Dawn's Digression.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Yikes. Long!
"If you make yourself really small, you can externalize virtually everything."
Howard died today. (See March 26, 2006) A couple of weeks ago, Tracy was over and I had the birds on the bar. I told her that I would be heart-broken when Howard died. I’m not sure if it was a week or a few days later when he started not looking too good. Poor fella. I was on the phone with Mom today and she asked how he was. I turned around and was looking at him and he FELL off his perch and hit the bottom of the cage. It was loud. I was sad. I cried. Goofy as I’m sure it is, I loved that little bird. I shall miss his little tweets in the morning. I still have Honky, but as you can tell by his name, his call is not quite as sweet. I took Howard to Rachel and Suzy’s and buried him in their side yard. I was lucky enough that Rachel got home right when I got there, so she distracted me and kept me from being dramatic. Tonight I will add Rach & Sue to my gratitude journal. Those girls are good to me. They even came over during the weekend to check on little Howard. I love my girls. Indeed.
So, the weekend.
Tracy had a bowling tournament in Oklahoma City last weekend, and she invited me to go, which I found to be OhSoSweet. (Either I’m easily impressed or I’ve won the damn lottery. ) It’s nice to know (or at least ‘think’ I guess) that I don’t make her feel boxed in. She actually wants me around her and her friends. I love it.
Anyhoo, Tracy, her friend Lee, and I set off for OKC Friday afternoon. Would you believe I frickin’ got pulled over in frickin’ Keller? Keller is about 30 mins from my house. I got a ticket for crossing the double white line. The cop busted me crossing two, but since he was feeling just soooo generous on Friday, he just wrote me 1 ticket. Ain’t that sweet? Oy. I’m actually not worked up about this. I haven’t had a ticket in years, and if we’re being honest, I’ve been doing some really dumbass things in the car. I’ve been paranoid of being pulled over for quite awhile. The laws of the universe say I totally deserve a ticket. I have to say, though, that I would have felt better about it if I was alone in the car. Embarrassment City, ya’ll. :( Poor, poor me. Oh, and I got a ticket for not having the correct address on my license as well. *sigh* Whatever. I shall take care of it.
Friday night, we hung out at Tracy’s best friend’s girlfriend’s house. (Did you follow that? Haha. ) Cindy/i? (bfgf) made dinner and I think we sat outside after that. Yes, I think that’s right. Pretty groovy, IMO. I miss sitting outside and talking. Love it. The girls bowled six games Saturday morning and then we went back to Cindy’s to watch the Stars get spanked by the Avalanche. Very sad. (Speaking of, CO is beating us 0-3 in the first period now….for cryin’ out LOUD!) We were supposed to go out to the bar, but for some reason the ladies decided to stay home. Ahhhhh. I got to put on elastic pants and put my hair in a ponytail. You know what I just realized? I really really didn’t mind looking like poopy on a stick in front of them. Hunh. So, we stayed home and watched Shark Tale and Ice Age and played SkipBo. How cool is that? I got a little giggle out of it in my head. Me sitting in a living room in Moore, OK playing cards and watching animated movies with people 15 years older than me. Not a mean giggle. More like a “whew:” giggle. I don’t know how to explain this except that I’ve been lame a really long time and have had people poke fun at me for it. I dunno, it was just nice.
I worry about this whole social thing. I try to do it, but it breaks me down whereas Tracy can go and go and go. Me? Notsomuch. I suppose it doesn’t really matter since I could care less if she goes out without me. I just don’t want to be a reason why she stays home. Oh….clarification. I care if she wants me to go. I care if she goes. I do not care if … Oh, hell. Nevermind. It was all well-intended. I trust my woman and want her to have a good time. That oughtta take care of all of that.
Damn -- I digressed. Imagine that. Sunday was more bowling. Team day. I drank beer, yes, real beer and watched them bowl. (Did you know caffeine enhances memory? But only for a short time…. I do not support caffeine as a memory aid.) After bowling was lunch, where I ate entirely too much. Ohhh. We went to a sports bar. They had lounge chairs in front of a wall of TVs with a few different channels on. OMG. Extreme Picture-In-Picture. The sporty lesbians were pretty happy and I was fine since I had a beverage and the Travel Channel. Lord, how I would love to have a wall of TVs. Since my attention span sucks anyway, I’d probably really enjoy watching a bunch of stuff at once. I need someone to buy that for me. Still looking for my Sugar Momma. ;) As if.
I’m freaking myself out with the kid thing again. I am sure there is a fear behind it. If I am a mother, what will happen when I need to ‘reboot’. If there is one thing I know, it’s that you can only count on yourself. Expecting someone else to step up is presumptuous and often disappointing. (YES! 1-3) You have to be prepared to do everything yourself. Even as I type this, I know you do what you have to do when you have to do it. You find the energy, the will, etc. (YES! 2-3!) I’ve seen a little of this in myself. Plus, I think when you’re a parent, it changes the way you see things. It’s a valid concern, though. I’m not dwelling. Trying to be realistic is all.
Debbie Ford (DF) update: Gosh, I am thankful I stumbled upon the course. I really feel like it is helping me. I had a card a couple of weeks ago about shame. Sharing your shame. EW. EW.
But you know what? I did. (3-3!) I shared and nothing bad happened. Yet. There could be some very upsetting consequences, but I did the right thing. It was terribly hard, and actually physically painful. The good news is that I think I’ve disclosed everything I need to. Other good news is that my recent experiences in sharing have been very positive.
Mom said that she has noticed a difference in me over the last few months. I like this. It's progress because the change she has seen in me has been positive. I feel like a new person and I sincerely hope this is true because the Jekyl/Hyde routine is not for me. It's hard for me to believe I've changed because I don't believe that people really change. Hmm. You know what? That's not true. I see change in Michele. How about this: I do not trust change in people to be permanent. I feel a change in spirit, though. I'm not angry anymore. I'm happy. Life is good. I'm blessed. I'm in love. And it feels. so. good.
Dawn, 7:23 PM
