Dawn's Digression.
Friday, November 04, 2005
Drinking, Part II. Be afraid, Be Very Afraid. And Forgiving of Typos Cuz I Don't Care.
Good day
It was a damn good day. It could have been thrown off track by Michele annoying asking me to stay. Ha. It could have been ruined by the fact that work is kicking my ass. Could have been.
Instead, I see other stuff. Ally slept with me and let me put my arms around her. I love when she does that and will miss her like the dickens. (WTF does that mean, anyway? Is it with a capital 'D'?) I made a new friend. Someone who is also on drugs. Someone who seems to think I'm the Bees Knees when I don't feel that way at all. I had some great conversations and self-disclosure with someone I really like.
It was a damn good day.
Dammit.
I think I've been avoiding blogging because I'd have to be truthful. For quite awhile I've seen blogging as self-indulging and dramatic. The thing is that if you don't want to read it then don't. So what? If you want to hear my crazy, irrational thoughts, then do. Simple choice. I'm allowed to be self-indulgent. A~, I've been afraid of my feelings I think. I think I want to say I made good choices when I didn't. I want to say things will be okay when they won't. I want you to think I'm not a dumbass.
I made bad choices. We all do sometimes. I need to forgive myself. I'm working on it. In the meantime, I gotta dig myself out of this friggin' hole. And I'm going to. I'm a little bit afraid of the consequences. I think it'll be okay, though. I'm afraid I'll have to be a single mother when I don't want to be. I'm afraid home ownership on my own will be overwhelming. I'm afraid of a 30 year committment. Afraid of the changes coming my way. At the same time, I welcome this. I want change, I need change. I want to feel whole. Ya know? The only thing that matters to me is family, friends, and not being a dumbass. So, let's do it then. I can do that. I'm doing good with the family. I'll continue to step it up. No problems. The friends need some work, but I'm working on that, too. The thing is, I've built a solid foundation. I have good friends, true friends, and I am SO incredibly lucky. I'm not confused about that. Not for a minute. I've made two new friends in the last month, and I feel good about that. I feel good about being alone and free. I feel good about whatever is coming my way, and I say, "Bring it ON!" because it is going to be good. My next love will be true and right and everything I want (within reason). My next love will make a wonderful mother. (Michele would have made one, too, if she could quit drinking. She would have...it's very sad.) I will find what I need. I just need to look in the right place. I've gotten too big for my britches and it is time to make the change before it gets too terribly ugly.
Anyway, I feel pretty damn good, in case you missed it. Life is friggin' hard right now. So hard. michele gives me crap everyday. I can't stand the thought of leaving any of my children. I can't stand the thought of 'abandoning' her. I have to take care of me. I can't/won't go down with the ship. My heart is broken by the path I've taken and the path I must take. But things will be okay. I will be fine alone. Or not. Either way, I'm going to be okay. Things will be good. I will be good. My future family will be good, even if it is just two of us. (Gosh, I hope not.) Am I scared? Am I weary? I am terrified. I am tired, beat down, and overwhelmed. I am defeated, out of energy, and weak. I need help. I need my friends and family. I'm sad, tired, and lonely. But I'll be okay. That which doesn't kill me.....
A~
It was a damn good day. It could have been thrown off track by Michele annoying asking me to stay. Ha. It could have been ruined by the fact that work is kicking my ass. Could have been.
Instead, I see other stuff. Ally slept with me and let me put my arms around her. I love when she does that and will miss her like the dickens. (WTF does that mean, anyway? Is it with a capital 'D'?) I made a new friend. Someone who is also on drugs. Someone who seems to think I'm the Bees Knees when I don't feel that way at all. I had some great conversations and self-disclosure with someone I really like.
It was a damn good day.
Dammit.
I think I've been avoiding blogging because I'd have to be truthful. For quite awhile I've seen blogging as self-indulging and dramatic. The thing is that if you don't want to read it then don't. So what? If you want to hear my crazy, irrational thoughts, then do. Simple choice. I'm allowed to be self-indulgent. A~, I've been afraid of my feelings I think. I think I want to say I made good choices when I didn't. I want to say things will be okay when they won't. I want you to think I'm not a dumbass.
I made bad choices. We all do sometimes. I need to forgive myself. I'm working on it. In the meantime, I gotta dig myself out of this friggin' hole. And I'm going to. I'm a little bit afraid of the consequences. I think it'll be okay, though. I'm afraid I'll have to be a single mother when I don't want to be. I'm afraid home ownership on my own will be overwhelming. I'm afraid of a 30 year committment. Afraid of the changes coming my way. At the same time, I welcome this. I want change, I need change. I want to feel whole. Ya know? The only thing that matters to me is family, friends, and not being a dumbass. So, let's do it then. I can do that. I'm doing good with the family. I'll continue to step it up. No problems. The friends need some work, but I'm working on that, too. The thing is, I've built a solid foundation. I have good friends, true friends, and I am SO incredibly lucky. I'm not confused about that. Not for a minute. I've made two new friends in the last month, and I feel good about that. I feel good about being alone and free. I feel good about whatever is coming my way, and I say, "Bring it ON!" because it is going to be good. My next love will be true and right and everything I want (within reason). My next love will make a wonderful mother. (Michele would have made one, too, if she could quit drinking. She would have...it's very sad.) I will find what I need. I just need to look in the right place. I've gotten too big for my britches and it is time to make the change before it gets too terribly ugly.
Anyway, I feel pretty damn good, in case you missed it. Life is friggin' hard right now. So hard. michele gives me crap everyday. I can't stand the thought of leaving any of my children. I can't stand the thought of 'abandoning' her. I have to take care of me. I can't/won't go down with the ship. My heart is broken by the path I've taken and the path I must take. But things will be okay. I will be fine alone. Or not. Either way, I'm going to be okay. Things will be good. I will be good. My future family will be good, even if it is just two of us. (Gosh, I hope not.) Am I scared? Am I weary? I am terrified. I am tired, beat down, and overwhelmed. I am defeated, out of energy, and weak. I need help. I need my friends and family. I'm sad, tired, and lonely. But I'll be okay. That which doesn't kill me.....
A~
Dawn, 12:15 AM