Dawn's Digression.

My mind is funky today. Been funky for a couple of weeks. I think I've decided I'm depressed, but too drugged to feel the emotions. I would think that Prozac would even out the chemicals enough so that I don't have the physical symptoms. Maybe it is psychosomatic? Could be.
I'm tired. *yawn* So tired. One of my problems is probably that I don't get dressed often. I especially don't fix my hair or put on makeup. I wore my hair down yesterday for the first time in probably a month. I feel like poopy on a stick.

One of my friends keeps sending me those "You are special to me" emails that says "Send this to everyone special in your life..." Blah, blah, freakin' blah. I don't mind those when they have a nice message....I usually take out the verbiage to pass it on, though. At any rate, I read them. I think it is sad if you need to send an email to let someone know you care. Is that what the world has boiled down to? I like to think that my friends don't need me to send them an email. I was thinking about this yesterday when I was getting ready for class. If I died tonight, the important people would know they are important. It wouldn't be a question. I make a conscious effort to let people know how I feel. Usually, I make this effort when I'm drinking , but it doesn't make it less true. I even told a friend about a week ago that I "need" her. This was highly uncharacteristic on my part. But even more uncharacteristic is the "I need you, too" I got back. Very unanticipated. I was actually a little bit shocked. This is a person with a lot of pride, so it really meant something to me. I wonder if she even remembers yelling that across a parking lot at me? *shrug* Doesn't matter. I remember.

I have a very hard time telling someone I need them. That's harder for me than saying "I love you". Most of the time, anyway. Something about the last few months has pushed me harder than ever to see what is important. I have always had this relatively correct, but I wasn't making the extra effort.

I think one area where I can use some improvement is in forgiveness. I think I've done well for the most part. I've forgiven Rachel for whatever happened when we broke up and can't even bother to try to remember the bad stuff. I have forgiven Ruby for our stupid childhood antics. I can't say they have both forgiven me, but I am pretty sure they have. I can't say I forgive my parents for whatever I was missing in my childhood, because I don't need to. I was always well-loved and cared for. I have awesome parents. I forgive ...everything. Except there is one person I can't forgive. Maybe it is because it is so raw. Maybe because to forgive would be to become complacent. But see, this isn't true. There is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. Sometimes forgetting would be a mistake. I don't like that I'm not willing to forgive this time. Time may heal all wounds, but I've never heard the saying, "Time heals all scars."

I have no idea why I am going on and on about this stuff. First of all, no one reads this blog. This is actually a good thing. I can be self-indulgent and self-involved without someone being required to deal with it. :) I think I can handle that.