Dawn's Digression.
Monday, May 09, 2005
PS
I'm having a hard time.
Not that anything is new about that. Except that I'm not feeling quite as dramatic about it. The thing is, I love living alone. This is my home and safe place. No one can hurt me here. I haven't felt that way in a long time. Everything here is mine and exactly where I left it. I have nothing to fear. I wish someone close to me could relate, but I'm not sure they do. Moving back to the house is a huge deal for me. HUGE. It wasn't an easy decision. Honestly, I'm not 100% sure it is the right decision. But it is the right decision for me and my family. Life is not a fairy tale. There will not be a knight in shining armor who will save me from this existence. It is what it is, and that is all that it is. I just have to be happy with what I have.
I do better these days than I used to. I mean well. I'm not as dramatic. I understand what it means to be an adult and have adult problems and issues. For the most part, I don't even have feelings about it. Except about once a month. ;)
I'm scared shitless. Scared of being hurt again. Scared of being unhappy. Afraid of finding out the unhappiness lies within me, and scared of the unknown. All I know is that life is bigger than my moments of fear. Bigger than any single moment.
Actually, I want to disagree with myself. Life is a conglomeration of moments. Tonight with Rach and Suzy was a moment. Saturday cleaning at the house was a moment. There are all kinds of moments. These moments strung together make my life. Moments both good and bad. How can I say any one thing is bad when I have such great moments as I had tonight?
I don't know. I'm just grateful. And sad. Sad and grateful. I am such a lucky woman. I don't doubt this for a moment.
Not that anything is new about that. Except that I'm not feeling quite as dramatic about it. The thing is, I love living alone. This is my home and safe place. No one can hurt me here. I haven't felt that way in a long time. Everything here is mine and exactly where I left it. I have nothing to fear. I wish someone close to me could relate, but I'm not sure they do. Moving back to the house is a huge deal for me. HUGE. It wasn't an easy decision. Honestly, I'm not 100% sure it is the right decision. But it is the right decision for me and my family. Life is not a fairy tale. There will not be a knight in shining armor who will save me from this existence. It is what it is, and that is all that it is. I just have to be happy with what I have.
I do better these days than I used to. I mean well. I'm not as dramatic. I understand what it means to be an adult and have adult problems and issues. For the most part, I don't even have feelings about it. Except about once a month. ;)
I'm scared shitless. Scared of being hurt again. Scared of being unhappy. Afraid of finding out the unhappiness lies within me, and scared of the unknown. All I know is that life is bigger than my moments of fear. Bigger than any single moment.
Actually, I want to disagree with myself. Life is a conglomeration of moments. Tonight with Rach and Suzy was a moment. Saturday cleaning at the house was a moment. There are all kinds of moments. These moments strung together make my life. Moments both good and bad. How can I say any one thing is bad when I have such great moments as I had tonight?
I don't know. I'm just grateful. And sad. Sad and grateful. I am such a lucky woman. I don't doubt this for a moment.
Dawn, 10:37 PM
