Dawn's Digression.
Sunday, December 01, 2002
What do you want first?? Good news or bad? We're going with bad because I'm in an ASC that may end at any moment. Not responsible for misquotes, misspelled words, or rancid grammar. Dig?
I called my long estranged uncle on Wednesday. When I first called I asked for him by name and he said it was the wrong number. So, I called back again and it went to voicemail. I left, very pathetically, on the VM I was looking for my father and half-sister, and also, what are his children's names? He hasn't called my back yet. I'm sure he's just busy, right? The way we all get sometimes. Like when you save the hardest job for last. That last phone call you don't want to make. I am apparently that. Why? It's not my fucking fault. Okay, partly it is. I could have held on more. Just as you get older you want to try to meet your family. Nothing wrong with that. And to their credit, they did offer me over on Christmas Day. But I just couldn't. Seemed all wrong. Some of the Manuels are very nice, I know. I was quite tight with Derek when we were kids. I don't know what happened to that. Anyway, that's my sad news. I contacted the person who could get me in contact with my dad or little sister, and have heard nothing. Maybe they're just busy. Maybe they don't want to hear from me because of the whole lesbian thing. If that's the case, it's for the best...but .. well. I'm still hurt. I have a Daddy. And he's a wonderful Daddy, and I'd never EVER trade him in for my sperm donor. But .. I just don't know why. ...*shakes head pathetically* Why isn't the donor interested? I don't want anything from him. I'm too old for that. Just a "Hey, how are you, wanna go drink beer?". How hard is that? I really hope Derek calls me back.The older I get the more important family is to me. I know when I was just coming out, my friends were my family. Now -- they're all gone. Poof. But my family is still here and required to deal with my shit. It's in the contract. I know it is stupid but right now I am asking why I am so unimportant. When really all I want is a Christmas card that tells me what you've been up to and includes a phone number. I don't get why that would be so hard. For every action, there is a reaction. I'm wondering what I've done. Certainly they believe I've done something. Turned down one too many invitations. Or maybe they think I don't want anything to do with them. Nothing could be further from the truth. Mom was careful to make sure I was never turned against my dad. She said she wanted me to have my own perception of him.
Don't know why I'm going off so about that.
The good news was that Michele's parents did not, in fact, kill me. That's right. I'm still alive. I don't think they hated me. But I wouldn't vow that they loved me either. They tolerated me as much as possible. Honestly, It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I thought it would be a bunch of people sitting around pretending that nothing was wrong. Which they DID do. But not in an annoying way.
I've been called to bed. No doubt for the weekend summary of how things went. Wish me luck, ladies and gents...and keep reading... You know I get weird around the holidays....no telling what I might write!
~D
I called my long estranged uncle on Wednesday. When I first called I asked for him by name and he said it was the wrong number. So, I called back again and it went to voicemail. I left, very pathetically, on the VM I was looking for my father and half-sister, and also, what are his children's names? He hasn't called my back yet. I'm sure he's just busy, right? The way we all get sometimes. Like when you save the hardest job for last. That last phone call you don't want to make. I am apparently that. Why? It's not my fucking fault. Okay, partly it is. I could have held on more. Just as you get older you want to try to meet your family. Nothing wrong with that. And to their credit, they did offer me over on Christmas Day. But I just couldn't. Seemed all wrong. Some of the Manuels are very nice, I know. I was quite tight with Derek when we were kids. I don't know what happened to that. Anyway, that's my sad news. I contacted the person who could get me in contact with my dad or little sister, and have heard nothing. Maybe they're just busy. Maybe they don't want to hear from me because of the whole lesbian thing. If that's the case, it's for the best...but .. well. I'm still hurt. I have a Daddy. And he's a wonderful Daddy, and I'd never EVER trade him in for my sperm donor. But .. I just don't know why. ...*shakes head pathetically* Why isn't the donor interested? I don't want anything from him. I'm too old for that. Just a "Hey, how are you, wanna go drink beer?". How hard is that? I really hope Derek calls me back.The older I get the more important family is to me. I know when I was just coming out, my friends were my family. Now -- they're all gone. Poof. But my family is still here and required to deal with my shit. It's in the contract. I know it is stupid but right now I am asking why I am so unimportant. When really all I want is a Christmas card that tells me what you've been up to and includes a phone number. I don't get why that would be so hard. For every action, there is a reaction. I'm wondering what I've done. Certainly they believe I've done something. Turned down one too many invitations. Or maybe they think I don't want anything to do with them. Nothing could be further from the truth. Mom was careful to make sure I was never turned against my dad. She said she wanted me to have my own perception of him.
Don't know why I'm going off so about that.
The good news was that Michele's parents did not, in fact, kill me. That's right. I'm still alive. I don't think they hated me. But I wouldn't vow that they loved me either. They tolerated me as much as possible. Honestly, It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I thought it would be a bunch of people sitting around pretending that nothing was wrong. Which they DID do. But not in an annoying way.
I've been called to bed. No doubt for the weekend summary of how things went. Wish me luck, ladies and gents...and keep reading... You know I get weird around the holidays....no telling what I might write!
~D
Dawn, 11:05 PM
