Dawn's Digression.
Friday, November 15, 2002
"and the next time I fall, I'm gonna have to recall...it isn't love, it's only something new" ~Emily Saliers
Tonight I hung out with Rachel and it was nice. Completely unforced conversation. I told her that I can't imagine my life with out her or Ruby in it. How can people not be friends with their exes? Okay, maybe I understand a little -- some exes are psychos. Or sometimes it is just too new to deal with. But geez, who knows me better? Who can I really be myself with besides them? No one. Those two know me inside and out. They know my hang ups, joys, and sadness. I feel bad for people who don't have friends like that. And even after I say that, I'm sad because even though I know I have these friends, I don't get the opportunity to connect with them like I want to. There is such a fine line between talking with someone and dumping on them. Sometimes I just don't know the difference. So, over the past year or so, I've learned to share with no one, and it definitely is not paying off. I know people dislike drama, but at least it gives them an opportunity to participate in my life. Everyone wants to feel needed. I know it makes me feel good when I can be a friend to someone who is sad or just wants to talk.
I am a lucky girl, I know. I have friends, family, and a job. I'm in debt; who isn't? The only thing wrong with my life is that I'm not happy in it. I know that you could take someone else and set them where I am right now, and they would feel so blessed. And I just can't get there. I don't know what I want or what I expect, and I sure don't know how to get there. I think, that instead of being so sad about the wonderful things I have (this makes no sense) I should think about what I have that is wonderful.... this will be in no particular order....
1) My family. They're not perfect. Some of them are homophobic, and all of them are Republicans. But you know what? I love them anyway. And I know that they love me even though they may not agree with my lifestyle. Mom, Dad, Alex, Laura. LuAnn. Diane. Granny.
2) I have a job. 'Nuf said.
3) That whole 'food on the table' thing.
4) I am going to school to make myself a better person.
5) Ruby - my best friend for 1/2 my life now. Too many states away, but she never forgets me.
6) Rachel - knows me best, and doesn't hold it against me. Understands me more than anyone.
7) Chulie - never minds when I become overly dramatic. Allows me to complain as necessary. And always...I repeat, ALWAYS, makes me laugh.
8) Boo-Boo - Hims sure is a cute kitty.
9) McJenny - My savior at work. I wonder sometimes what I did before her. McJenny understands sad without reason.
10) My truck still moves and appears to have no serious mechanical defects.
Yet somehow, even after listing just the first 10 that came into my mind, it doesn't make me want to jump out of the bed first thing in the morning and shout, "Oh Glory! Another day! Let me arise and greet you!". Nope. Matter of fact, just this morning, I was crying so hard by the time I got to work, I pulled into the parking lot, did a U-ee, and drove around for awhile. I couldn't sit in the parking lot like that, and I sure as hell couldn't go in.
Tonight I hung out with Rachel and it was nice. Completely unforced conversation. I told her that I can't imagine my life with out her or Ruby in it. How can people not be friends with their exes? Okay, maybe I understand a little -- some exes are psychos. Or sometimes it is just too new to deal with. But geez, who knows me better? Who can I really be myself with besides them? No one. Those two know me inside and out. They know my hang ups, joys, and sadness. I feel bad for people who don't have friends like that. And even after I say that, I'm sad because even though I know I have these friends, I don't get the opportunity to connect with them like I want to. There is such a fine line between talking with someone and dumping on them. Sometimes I just don't know the difference. So, over the past year or so, I've learned to share with no one, and it definitely is not paying off. I know people dislike drama, but at least it gives them an opportunity to participate in my life. Everyone wants to feel needed. I know it makes me feel good when I can be a friend to someone who is sad or just wants to talk.
I am a lucky girl, I know. I have friends, family, and a job. I'm in debt; who isn't? The only thing wrong with my life is that I'm not happy in it. I know that you could take someone else and set them where I am right now, and they would feel so blessed. And I just can't get there. I don't know what I want or what I expect, and I sure don't know how to get there. I think, that instead of being so sad about the wonderful things I have (this makes no sense) I should think about what I have that is wonderful.... this will be in no particular order....
1) My family. They're not perfect. Some of them are homophobic, and all of them are Republicans. But you know what? I love them anyway. And I know that they love me even though they may not agree with my lifestyle. Mom, Dad, Alex, Laura. LuAnn. Diane. Granny.
2) I have a job. 'Nuf said.
3) That whole 'food on the table' thing.
4) I am going to school to make myself a better person.
5) Ruby - my best friend for 1/2 my life now. Too many states away, but she never forgets me.
6) Rachel - knows me best, and doesn't hold it against me. Understands me more than anyone.
7) Chulie - never minds when I become overly dramatic. Allows me to complain as necessary. And always...I repeat, ALWAYS, makes me laugh.
8) Boo-Boo - Hims sure is a cute kitty.
9) McJenny - My savior at work. I wonder sometimes what I did before her. McJenny understands sad without reason.
10) My truck still moves and appears to have no serious mechanical defects.
Yet somehow, even after listing just the first 10 that came into my mind, it doesn't make me want to jump out of the bed first thing in the morning and shout, "Oh Glory! Another day! Let me arise and greet you!". Nope. Matter of fact, just this morning, I was crying so hard by the time I got to work, I pulled into the parking lot, did a U-ee, and drove around for awhile. I couldn't sit in the parking lot like that, and I sure as hell couldn't go in.
Dawn, 11:30 PM
