Dawn's Digression.
Thursday, September 12, 2002
Yeah. I have yet to talk myself into going to bed.
Today I took a test at www.emode.com that was supposed to tell me what I fear most. Wanna know what it said?? It said: Dawn, your primary fear is not being good enough
Well, that was right on. If I had been given a list of fears prior to taking that quiz, I'm sure I would have chosen that one. It's true. I can go back to my journal from 1989 and all it talks about is how I'll never be good enough. The funny thing about that is that I can't recall a time in my life when someone told me I wasn't. I have put some kind of pressure on myself. And anytime I get depressed, it is suddenly pity party time with me as the guest of honor, asking the sky why I'm not good enough. Where does this come from? I wish I knew. I couple of weeks ago I had a little mini-meltdown complete with tears and cigarettes. I was crying because it seems I screw up all the time. I want to be perfect. And I'm not. Couldn't be further from it. And I know no one is. But for some reason I expect that much from myself. And it's awful, because I set myself up for failure. My episodes of depression seem to have lessened over the past few months. I know in the last month I've gotten teary a couple of times. Last weekend I found myself lying in bed and staring at the ceiling and crying for no reason I could put my finger on. That only lasted a couple of hours, but it bothered me. I don't think of myself as a big crier. Well, unless you count watching My Dog Skip. Geez. That movie came on tv last night and once again, I cried like a baby. I love that damn movie. Poor Skip. Him Boy went away to college and left him there to grow old and die. And then, of course, I have to cry because I miss my dog. People, my dog died in 1998. Damn movie. And then I'm all talking to the tv. "No, you'll never have another best friend like Skip, Willie. Hims loved you. You will never have that with anyone/anything else." And then I cry more because I decide I'm right, and Lord, isn't life tragic? hehe
At least I can find humor in it!
Today I took a test at www.emode.com that was supposed to tell me what I fear most. Wanna know what it said?? It said: Dawn, your primary fear is not being good enough
Well, that was right on. If I had been given a list of fears prior to taking that quiz, I'm sure I would have chosen that one. It's true. I can go back to my journal from 1989 and all it talks about is how I'll never be good enough. The funny thing about that is that I can't recall a time in my life when someone told me I wasn't. I have put some kind of pressure on myself. And anytime I get depressed, it is suddenly pity party time with me as the guest of honor, asking the sky why I'm not good enough. Where does this come from? I wish I knew. I couple of weeks ago I had a little mini-meltdown complete with tears and cigarettes. I was crying because it seems I screw up all the time. I want to be perfect. And I'm not. Couldn't be further from it. And I know no one is. But for some reason I expect that much from myself. And it's awful, because I set myself up for failure. My episodes of depression seem to have lessened over the past few months. I know in the last month I've gotten teary a couple of times. Last weekend I found myself lying in bed and staring at the ceiling and crying for no reason I could put my finger on. That only lasted a couple of hours, but it bothered me. I don't think of myself as a big crier. Well, unless you count watching My Dog Skip. Geez. That movie came on tv last night and once again, I cried like a baby. I love that damn movie. Poor Skip. Him Boy went away to college and left him there to grow old and die. And then, of course, I have to cry because I miss my dog. People, my dog died in 1998. Damn movie. And then I'm all talking to the tv. "No, you'll never have another best friend like Skip, Willie. Hims loved you. You will never have that with anyone/anything else." And then I cry more because I decide I'm right, and Lord, isn't life tragic? hehe
At least I can find humor in it!
Dawn, 11:12 PM
