Dawn's Digression.
Monday, November 25, 2002
My archives are pissing me off. I just want you to know it's not my fault. I didn't do it. Some system error.
Isn't that what everyone says? "It's not my fault." Just like "I had no choice." What a crock. (Of course, you realize I'm talking about myself here.) Maybe it is my fault that my archives are fucked up. Maybe if I subscribed to Blogger Pro my archives would work, but I'd rather not take responsibility for that, if you don't mind.
Thanks.
Now ~ for "I had no choice.". You always have a choice. Just sometimes one of the choices is so unreasonable, you can't imagine making it. But it is still your choice to make. So, "I have no choice." is really a cop-out. Let's see how often I use it. That will be fun. Ah, hypocrisy in it's purest form! ;) At least I can admit it.
Well, I'm going for Thanksgiving to meet the Muffin's parents. I'm not completely full of anxiety yet. There's just no point in freaking out about it until the time comes. Truth is, either they will like me or they won't. I'll be my usual charming self, and I can't control how they perceive that. Granted, I can control how I portray myself, and I will do the best I can to seem a stable responsible woman, but ... well.. Hmmm. You ever heard that song in Grease II, "Charade"? :)
I had a good day today. I went to Happy Hour with LaTonya, and then Chulie called. I feel all friendful today. I feel all loved and shit. How about that?
I read a decent book. I'm not calling it good; merely decent. I liked the twist at the end, but I still won't call it great or anything. It was Veronika Decides to Die. I, of course, decided to read it because it's about this girl how attempts to overdose on sleeping pills, but fails miserably. I love that whole tortured soul thing. I have a weakness for mental illness. Anyway, she survives her suicide attempt just to find out that she has damaged her heart and has about a week to live. Her outlook on life changes, and she begins to look at life with renewed interest. But, again, she only has a week to live. I'm not going to tell you what happened at the end, because I want you to read it so we can talk about it. Any takers? Yeah. Didn't think so. Can't blame a girl for trying though, can you?
I'll tell you, I've been feeling a little better the last week or so. I'm still not quite right, but I'm better. And I'll take that for now. I just feel so ... there just isn't another word besides alone. But I feel better. A friend called me last night and needed me. And it felt so great that she needed me. Everyone needs to feel needed. To feel useful. To feel like there is a purpose in this life outside of merely existing. And I'd love to say that to her, but it feels horribly dramatic. And, as previously stated, I am watching my drama these days. It isn't drama if you don't tell anyone, is it? I don't think it is. Drama is when you are trying to get attention and are saying to others, "Look at me, Look at ME!". I haven't done that.
I'll tell you about a couple of experiences, and you tell me if you do this. Or have done so. Tell me you have, so I feel better. Or even, tell me you don't so I know I'm a damned freak. Every now and then I just get tired. And I sit down wherever I am. Well, not in the grocery store or anything. But I'll be in the kitchen looking in the cabinet. Suddenly I'm tired. I don't have the energy anymore. So I just sit down. I think that's okay. ~Tell you what I haven't done in awhile that sounds nice sometimes. I haven't sat in the closet and been alone. I know that sounds a little out there, but there is something comforting about having walls so close to you. Feels safe and warm. Like things can't get to you.
Can I say something petty? Like I care what you think! I'll type it whether you think 'yes' or 'no'. I finish my Associates degree in two weeks. I fear that my mother will not awknowledge it. I don't want a big deal about it or anything, but I at least want someone to say they are proud of me. Because no matter how often I degrade myself for taking so long to finish it, the fact remains that it is being finished. And it is the same degree she has (well, she has two) and the same degree my dad has. But somehow I know it isn't enough. Maybe if you knew my brother you'd understand it. And I don't think it is that my parents imposed this whole 'perfection' thing on me. It's that I've done it. My point is that it will kill me if they don't awknowledge I've finished. And I know that it is only a two year degree. But I did it. And I want someone to pretend to be proud of me.
I think sometimes I ask too much from people. I think I do alot. I have been telling myself for the past couple of years to never expect anything from anyone, but no matter how much you tell yourself that, you just can't talk yourself out of it. I get so upset that people can't read my mind. Why doesn't someone know when I'm desperate? Why doesn't someone know exactly what it is I want to talk about? God, I'm such a woman. Or maybe if someone was asking....probing. But there is no probing. So, the less I ask of people, I find I should expect even less. And it is almost to the point where I am touched when someone calls. Or asks about my day. It could have something to do with the fact that I've worn them out with my past drama. But I'd like someone to ask me those hard questions. I want a heart to heart with a drunk friend. That is the one thing I think I miss most from my younger days. I remember friends spending the night, and we would stay up ALL night just talking about our feelings about things. Maybe it is over-analyzing, but it's cathartic, too.
Something stupid: I miss LeChat. I miss the dickens out of that cat. I can't say anything else right now because I'll cry. I'd just like to mention Chitty Chat Chat, The Big Ol' Fat Cat, and how he is missed. He was my beautiful baby.
I did get to see Peanut Princesslein when I visited Rachel last week. I miss my babydoll. I love Ally and Boo. I do. No really, I do. But they don't replace my other babies. Seems I have room in my heart for an entire ark of animals.
I want to volunteer at the animal shelter right by my house. I am just afraid I won't 'find' time to do like I should. I want to touch the kitties, pet them, change their litter, and bring them a few moments of love before I lock them back in their little cages. But let me ask you this... Is it better to experience that kind of love and have it taken away, or not experience it at all? I say choice B. You don't miss what you never had. But even after saying that... there have been things I've experienced that have hurt me more deeply than I can express that I wouldn't trade for a damn thing in the world. And would even go back a repeat a few minutes (not all..I'm not psycho) of the experience...just to remember how I felt at the time. I think it is important to remember how you feel at different parts of your life. Take the feelings and hang on to them. Later you may be in a situation where you can find some solace in the memory. And also remember what pissed you off so fucking bad. Retrospect is a wonderful thing.
Isn't that what everyone says? "It's not my fault." Just like "I had no choice." What a crock. (Of course, you realize I'm talking about myself here.) Maybe it is my fault that my archives are fucked up. Maybe if I subscribed to Blogger Pro my archives would work, but I'd rather not take responsibility for that, if you don't mind.
Thanks.
Now ~ for "I had no choice.". You always have a choice. Just sometimes one of the choices is so unreasonable, you can't imagine making it. But it is still your choice to make. So, "I have no choice." is really a cop-out. Let's see how often I use it. That will be fun. Ah, hypocrisy in it's purest form! ;) At least I can admit it.
Well, I'm going for Thanksgiving to meet the Muffin's parents. I'm not completely full of anxiety yet. There's just no point in freaking out about it until the time comes. Truth is, either they will like me or they won't. I'll be my usual charming self, and I can't control how they perceive that. Granted, I can control how I portray myself, and I will do the best I can to seem a stable responsible woman, but ... well.. Hmmm. You ever heard that song in Grease II, "Charade"? :)
I had a good day today. I went to Happy Hour with LaTonya, and then Chulie called. I feel all friendful today. I feel all loved and shit. How about that?
I read a decent book. I'm not calling it good; merely decent. I liked the twist at the end, but I still won't call it great or anything. It was Veronika Decides to Die. I, of course, decided to read it because it's about this girl how attempts to overdose on sleeping pills, but fails miserably. I love that whole tortured soul thing. I have a weakness for mental illness. Anyway, she survives her suicide attempt just to find out that she has damaged her heart and has about a week to live. Her outlook on life changes, and she begins to look at life with renewed interest. But, again, she only has a week to live. I'm not going to tell you what happened at the end, because I want you to read it so we can talk about it. Any takers? Yeah. Didn't think so. Can't blame a girl for trying though, can you?
I'll tell you, I've been feeling a little better the last week or so. I'm still not quite right, but I'm better. And I'll take that for now. I just feel so ... there just isn't another word besides alone. But I feel better. A friend called me last night and needed me. And it felt so great that she needed me. Everyone needs to feel needed. To feel useful. To feel like there is a purpose in this life outside of merely existing. And I'd love to say that to her, but it feels horribly dramatic. And, as previously stated, I am watching my drama these days. It isn't drama if you don't tell anyone, is it? I don't think it is. Drama is when you are trying to get attention and are saying to others, "Look at me, Look at ME!". I haven't done that.
I'll tell you about a couple of experiences, and you tell me if you do this. Or have done so. Tell me you have, so I feel better. Or even, tell me you don't so I know I'm a damned freak. Every now and then I just get tired. And I sit down wherever I am. Well, not in the grocery store or anything. But I'll be in the kitchen looking in the cabinet. Suddenly I'm tired. I don't have the energy anymore. So I just sit down. I think that's okay. ~Tell you what I haven't done in awhile that sounds nice sometimes. I haven't sat in the closet and been alone. I know that sounds a little out there, but there is something comforting about having walls so close to you. Feels safe and warm. Like things can't get to you.
Can I say something petty? Like I care what you think! I'll type it whether you think 'yes' or 'no'. I finish my Associates degree in two weeks. I fear that my mother will not awknowledge it. I don't want a big deal about it or anything, but I at least want someone to say they are proud of me. Because no matter how often I degrade myself for taking so long to finish it, the fact remains that it is being finished. And it is the same degree she has (well, she has two) and the same degree my dad has. But somehow I know it isn't enough. Maybe if you knew my brother you'd understand it. And I don't think it is that my parents imposed this whole 'perfection' thing on me. It's that I've done it. My point is that it will kill me if they don't awknowledge I've finished. And I know that it is only a two year degree. But I did it. And I want someone to pretend to be proud of me.
I think sometimes I ask too much from people. I think I do alot. I have been telling myself for the past couple of years to never expect anything from anyone, but no matter how much you tell yourself that, you just can't talk yourself out of it. I get so upset that people can't read my mind. Why doesn't someone know when I'm desperate? Why doesn't someone know exactly what it is I want to talk about? God, I'm such a woman. Or maybe if someone was asking....probing. But there is no probing. So, the less I ask of people, I find I should expect even less. And it is almost to the point where I am touched when someone calls. Or asks about my day. It could have something to do with the fact that I've worn them out with my past drama. But I'd like someone to ask me those hard questions. I want a heart to heart with a drunk friend. That is the one thing I think I miss most from my younger days. I remember friends spending the night, and we would stay up ALL night just talking about our feelings about things. Maybe it is over-analyzing, but it's cathartic, too.
Something stupid: I miss LeChat. I miss the dickens out of that cat. I can't say anything else right now because I'll cry. I'd just like to mention Chitty Chat Chat, The Big Ol' Fat Cat, and how he is missed. He was my beautiful baby.
I did get to see Peanut Princesslein when I visited Rachel last week. I miss my babydoll. I love Ally and Boo. I do. No really, I do. But they don't replace my other babies. Seems I have room in my heart for an entire ark of animals.
I want to volunteer at the animal shelter right by my house. I am just afraid I won't 'find' time to do like I should. I want to touch the kitties, pet them, change their litter, and bring them a few moments of love before I lock them back in their little cages. But let me ask you this... Is it better to experience that kind of love and have it taken away, or not experience it at all? I say choice B. You don't miss what you never had. But even after saying that... there have been things I've experienced that have hurt me more deeply than I can express that I wouldn't trade for a damn thing in the world. And would even go back a repeat a few minutes (not all..I'm not psycho) of the experience...just to remember how I felt at the time. I think it is important to remember how you feel at different parts of your life. Take the feelings and hang on to them. Later you may be in a situation where you can find some solace in the memory. And also remember what pissed you off so fucking bad. Retrospect is a wonderful thing.
Dawn, 10:29 PM
