Dawn's Digression.
Monday, February 12, 2007
The Return of the Digressions?
I've had the blog on 'lock down' for about a week. I did this because I thought I was going to blog about some things that I'm not ready to share with the world at large. It's in my nature to share, and not being able to write or talk about what is on my mind feels like strangulation. So, I changed my mind. I'm going to share and hope I don't regret it later on. :)
Things are good. Really good. We got new carpet. The animals are good. The house is good. The family is good. Work is good (well, as good as work can be!). The relationship is great. I have to remind myself sometimes that things can be good and I don't have to wait for something to go wrong. Maybe it never will! Who knows.
I quit taking one of my medications back in November because Tracy and I have decided to start a family and Trileptal is not a drug you can take while pregnant. I've noticed some subtle differences, but nothing to be concerned about. I'm a tad more moody, and I've had some mini bouts of mild depression. The moments of hopelessness have been few and far between and I am very thankful for that. I've just been coping with the moods as they come and remembering that it is only a mood and will pass. As of right now, I would say I will not go back on the Trileptal unless my symptoms get much worse in the future. I think I'm handling it fine without the chemicals.
I'm trying not to get too worked up about trying to conceive. My cycle sent me for an ugly loop this month and it is looking as though I won't be ovulating this cycle. There goes one month of trying. Because of my odd cycle this month, I'm wondering if last month was an anovulatory month as well. This throws a little wrench in the plans, but certainly nothing to get worked up about, yet. I'll just keep peeing on sticks and hoping for that second line that says I'm about to ovulate to appear. I suppose the longer it takes to conceive, the further I will be along in my schooling.
Last week, Tracy told one of her friends about us TTC and her friend told us that they had been trying as well, but are on a break right now due to the massive expenses involved. It was really nice to be able to talk to someone who knew exactly what I was talking about.
I'm very grateful that Tracy has wonderful friends. Between the two of us we have a great support structure, which is amazing. Sometimes you find friends in places that you never thought you would and sometimes you lose friends that you didn't think you would. Rachel has decided that she no longer wants to be my friend. I don't recall all her reasons, but in a nutshell her reason is that I'm a mean negative bitch. Tracy and I talked about this. I read her the email Rach sent and asked her if she perceived me to be the things Rachel said. Tracy said that she doesn't see that in me, but maybe that is who I am around Rachel. Rachel does bring out a few things in me. None of this is her fault, it is just leftovers from the dynamics of our past relationship. Based on the things she said to me, I don't like who I am when I am with her. And I don't want to be that person. Rachel did what she needed to do, and I don't fault her for it at all. I think things could have been handled differently, but hindsight is always 20/20. A very sad result of this 'parting of ways' is the impact it has had on my relationship with Suzy. Or I should say the relationship I had with Suzy. I love Suzy to death and hate that we are barely able to speak anymore because of Rachel. That totally sucks.
A really good friend at work found out she was pregnant about two week ago. I've had a ton of fun talking to her about her pregnancy and sharing the info I have with her. We laugh all the time at the things I have to tell her about being pregnant and getting pregnant. In her case, the pregnancy was a surprise, and she has no idea how the whole conception thing works. So what does she do? She asks me. The lesbian who is not and has never been pregnant. Just way too funny.
Things are good. Really good. We got new carpet. The animals are good. The house is good. The family is good. Work is good (well, as good as work can be!). The relationship is great. I have to remind myself sometimes that things can be good and I don't have to wait for something to go wrong. Maybe it never will! Who knows.
I quit taking one of my medications back in November because Tracy and I have decided to start a family and Trileptal is not a drug you can take while pregnant. I've noticed some subtle differences, but nothing to be concerned about. I'm a tad more moody, and I've had some mini bouts of mild depression. The moments of hopelessness have been few and far between and I am very thankful for that. I've just been coping with the moods as they come and remembering that it is only a mood and will pass. As of right now, I would say I will not go back on the Trileptal unless my symptoms get much worse in the future. I think I'm handling it fine without the chemicals.
I'm trying not to get too worked up about trying to conceive. My cycle sent me for an ugly loop this month and it is looking as though I won't be ovulating this cycle. There goes one month of trying. Because of my odd cycle this month, I'm wondering if last month was an anovulatory month as well. This throws a little wrench in the plans, but certainly nothing to get worked up about, yet. I'll just keep peeing on sticks and hoping for that second line that says I'm about to ovulate to appear. I suppose the longer it takes to conceive, the further I will be along in my schooling.
Last week, Tracy told one of her friends about us TTC and her friend told us that they had been trying as well, but are on a break right now due to the massive expenses involved. It was really nice to be able to talk to someone who knew exactly what I was talking about.
I'm very grateful that Tracy has wonderful friends. Between the two of us we have a great support structure, which is amazing. Sometimes you find friends in places that you never thought you would and sometimes you lose friends that you didn't think you would. Rachel has decided that she no longer wants to be my friend. I don't recall all her reasons, but in a nutshell her reason is that I'm a mean negative bitch. Tracy and I talked about this. I read her the email Rach sent and asked her if she perceived me to be the things Rachel said. Tracy said that she doesn't see that in me, but maybe that is who I am around Rachel. Rachel does bring out a few things in me. None of this is her fault, it is just leftovers from the dynamics of our past relationship. Based on the things she said to me, I don't like who I am when I am with her. And I don't want to be that person. Rachel did what she needed to do, and I don't fault her for it at all. I think things could have been handled differently, but hindsight is always 20/20. A very sad result of this 'parting of ways' is the impact it has had on my relationship with Suzy. Or I should say the relationship I had with Suzy. I love Suzy to death and hate that we are barely able to speak anymore because of Rachel. That totally sucks.
A really good friend at work found out she was pregnant about two week ago. I've had a ton of fun talking to her about her pregnancy and sharing the info I have with her. We laugh all the time at the things I have to tell her about being pregnant and getting pregnant. In her case, the pregnancy was a surprise, and she has no idea how the whole conception thing works. So what does she do? She asks me. The lesbian who is not and has never been pregnant. Just way too funny.
Dawn, 9:37 PM
