Dawn's Digression.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
I'm Gonna Smack Somebody.
The fact that Melissa called me out during Michele's funeral service is still really eating at me. I think about it too much. I lived with Michele and her alcoholism for a long time. I put up with things I'm sure Melissa doesn't have a clue about. I tried harder than I have ever tried in a relationship and it was all one-sided. I think it is crap for Melissa to come into Michele's life for freaking 8 months and find fault with me for leaving.
I was ignored, screamed at and taken advantage of. Michele tried to kick me out of my home almost every other weekend. I used to feel sick when I was driving home because I never knew what would be waiting for me. Michele might be watching Cops while making dinner and doing laundry, or she might be in the bedroom stewing. Sometimes I would sit in my car when I got home trying to work up the courage to go in. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of. I started hiding alcohol myself. I kept it in the bathroom linen closet and would go in there and drink on the nights when she was drunk. I kept bottles of wine under my bed and in my closet. Sometimes, I would even drink on my home from work so that when I got home, I wouldn't care so much if Michele was mean.
I've been called fat and lazy. I've been told over and over how I'm not good enough. How I don't measure up. My accomplishments weren't anything to her because she had done better things in her life. Oh, and let's not forget how I'm self-centered because I don't volunteer within the community. Michele and I exchanged words that I can't believe came out of our mouths. Who the hell does this Melissa think she is? Who gave her authority to judge? And better yet, why would she think it is okay to fault me in front of the entire church?
I did the best I could. As usual, my best wasn't quite good enough. I guess maybe it seems like it was easy to leave. So easy I did it twice. I gave that woman another chance. And another chance and another chance. Anyone that knows me knows I struggled with that. And we know from the last posting that I still struggle with it. Leaving Michele made me question what I thought I knew about myself. It also told me that I think I deserve good things. I deserve to be loved and treated well. Now I know that I have a backbone and don't have to take shit from anyone.
Dammit.
I was ignored, screamed at and taken advantage of. Michele tried to kick me out of my home almost every other weekend. I used to feel sick when I was driving home because I never knew what would be waiting for me. Michele might be watching Cops while making dinner and doing laundry, or she might be in the bedroom stewing. Sometimes I would sit in my car when I got home trying to work up the courage to go in. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of. I started hiding alcohol myself. I kept it in the bathroom linen closet and would go in there and drink on the nights when she was drunk. I kept bottles of wine under my bed and in my closet. Sometimes, I would even drink on my home from work so that when I got home, I wouldn't care so much if Michele was mean.
I've been called fat and lazy. I've been told over and over how I'm not good enough. How I don't measure up. My accomplishments weren't anything to her because she had done better things in her life. Oh, and let's not forget how I'm self-centered because I don't volunteer within the community. Michele and I exchanged words that I can't believe came out of our mouths. Who the hell does this Melissa think she is? Who gave her authority to judge? And better yet, why would she think it is okay to fault me in front of the entire church?
I did the best I could. As usual, my best wasn't quite good enough. I guess maybe it seems like it was easy to leave. So easy I did it twice. I gave that woman another chance. And another chance and another chance. Anyone that knows me knows I struggled with that. And we know from the last posting that I still struggle with it. Leaving Michele made me question what I thought I knew about myself. It also told me that I think I deserve good things. I deserve to be loved and treated well. Now I know that I have a backbone and don't have to take shit from anyone.
Dammit.
Dawn, 9:54 AM
1 Comments:
oh, fuck Melissa. Twice. I'm still angry over it all also, because I was there the whole time and I know how hard you tried. Obviously, I am going to be on your "side" (not that there is a side, really) as your friend but I really think that others there could see through her also. And really, when it all comes down to it - you know what is true, and you know the whole truth is not what she presented. Others who were/are close will know that too, and the rest don't matter.
