Dawn's Digression.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Lost Beans.
I seem to have lost my beans. If you see them running around town, please capture them and bring my beans home.
These last few weeks have been harrowing. My coping style seems to be "Survival Only". Which, I know is better than the alternative. My mind is just so freaking busy and I can't keep up with it.
Michele's death has made me ask the some old questions again. You know the one.... am I a shithead for leaving her? If I still lived with her, it would have been me who found her and me taking care of her bills and stuff. What kind of shitty ass wife do I make? I couldn't wait out that last 8 months, hunh? Why not? I had already sat through some pretty nasty times. What would 8 more months had been? My comfort with that is that Melissa apparently had some gifts to share that I wouldn't be able to help Michele with. I'm glad she had that the last few months of her life. I'm glad she found her spiritual place in life. Can a death be considered a miracle? *nods* Sometimes. Michele wasn't going to get better. I'm not sure she had the funds to be able to deal with the medical problems coming her way.
Here's my deal. How can you marry someone and promise to share your life with them when you know you aren't well. Thank God we made up a little right before she left for OK. There's an "I love you" that I will regret not saying for a long time.
So, if I'm a shitty wife, what the heck am I doing here with Tracy? Will I leave her, too, when stuff gets hard? I don't believe in that. Sometimes, though, what you believe in and what you do are two different things. Is half-ass all I have to offer anyone? That can't be right.
Sometimes I think I'm okay and I understand that life goes on. It should. Other times, like tonight in class, I feel anxiety. I find I want to run home to bed and crawl under the covers and go mimi. Wish that was an option. Right now I just need a cushy bed or couch to lay on where I can see the rocky mountains in the distance. Little birdies chirping.
These last few weeks have been harrowing. My coping style seems to be "Survival Only". Which, I know is better than the alternative. My mind is just so freaking busy and I can't keep up with it.
Michele's death has made me ask the some old questions again. You know the one.... am I a shithead for leaving her? If I still lived with her, it would have been me who found her and me taking care of her bills and stuff. What kind of shitty ass wife do I make? I couldn't wait out that last 8 months, hunh? Why not? I had already sat through some pretty nasty times. What would 8 more months had been? My comfort with that is that Melissa apparently had some gifts to share that I wouldn't be able to help Michele with. I'm glad she had that the last few months of her life. I'm glad she found her spiritual place in life. Can a death be considered a miracle? *nods* Sometimes. Michele wasn't going to get better. I'm not sure she had the funds to be able to deal with the medical problems coming her way.
Here's my deal. How can you marry someone and promise to share your life with them when you know you aren't well. Thank God we made up a little right before she left for OK. There's an "I love you" that I will regret not saying for a long time.
So, if I'm a shitty wife, what the heck am I doing here with Tracy? Will I leave her, too, when stuff gets hard? I don't believe in that. Sometimes, though, what you believe in and what you do are two different things. Is half-ass all I have to offer anyone? That can't be right.
Sometimes I think I'm okay and I understand that life goes on. It should. Other times, like tonight in class, I feel anxiety. I find I want to run home to bed and crawl under the covers and go mimi. Wish that was an option. Right now I just need a cushy bed or couch to lay on where I can see the rocky mountains in the distance. Little birdies chirping.
Dawn, 9:26 PM
1 Comments:
hi, why do you have a blog?
