Dawn's Digression.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Poopy Post
Well, Hi.
It's been so long since I posted, I figure I've lost most of my audience. I don't mind. I imagine Melody and Madison might check here at some point, but I'm cool with that.
I had a dream about Michele last night. She wasn't really dead, she had just been 'away' or whatever. I was talking to her and I asked her, "So, what are you doing? I mean, how are you doing anything? They took all your stuff! You don't have anything anymore." I can't remember her reply, but the dream was disturbing enough for me to blog about it. In the dream, I went to spend some time with her (It seems like it was early morning, like about 4am) and Tracy got really mad at me. Threatened or something. My grief over Michele dying has never been about "but we could have been....". *thinking*
*thinking*
I think about what we could have had if things had been different years ago, but there was no turning back in the last couple of years. She lost all the trust I had.
My grief is about, "what a tragedy". I thought about her parents a lot on Thanksgiving. How did they spend their first holiday without her? Then I remembered how she felt so betrayed by them and I get mad. But they did the best they could, just like I did. I miss her sometimes. I've found recently that the memories I have aren't always of the really bad times. Sometimes they are of the sweet, romantic things she did for me that we all know I am such a fan of.
Michele made me who I am, and I will always owe her that. She made me the mean callous bitch. The mean callous bitch that understands and knows what there is to be grateful in for in life. The one that sees there is an upside. I know how to be grateful for all the intricacies that make Tracy Tracy. It's the tiny things I see, now.
A couple of months ago, Tracy and I had to drop my car off for an oil change. It took awhile for me to check in and be ready to go for breakfast. When I got back in the car, I apologized and Tracy looked at me like I was a mental case. You see, something like this would have started a fight with Michele.
I've learned a lot about myself and what it means to be me. I absolutely abhor that I left Michele, but this tells me I have some strength about me and I can say "enough is enough".
Not too long ago, someone insinuated that I thought I was over her dying. Ha. I didn't bother to correct that person, but I was insulted. Like how stupid does he/she think I am? The death of someone I loved and MARRIED and I think I'm over it in 3 months? Seriously? That is the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard. I was genuinely offended by that. If there is someone reading this who has been in these shoes, or even a relative of these shoes, give me a shout, because that is horse shit. Leaving her or not, I had implied responsibilities and I'm going to assert that unless you've had the experience you don't have a damn idea how it feels.
I think this is something I'll be dealing with for a long time. I also think "So what?" It is freaking expected, and it is okay. It is a trauma, as many life events are.
It's been so long since I posted, I figure I've lost most of my audience. I don't mind. I imagine Melody and Madison might check here at some point, but I'm cool with that.
I had a dream about Michele last night. She wasn't really dead, she had just been 'away' or whatever. I was talking to her and I asked her, "So, what are you doing? I mean, how are you doing anything? They took all your stuff! You don't have anything anymore." I can't remember her reply, but the dream was disturbing enough for me to blog about it. In the dream, I went to spend some time with her (It seems like it was early morning, like about 4am) and Tracy got really mad at me. Threatened or something. My grief over Michele dying has never been about "but we could have been....". *thinking*
*thinking*
I think about what we could have had if things had been different years ago, but there was no turning back in the last couple of years. She lost all the trust I had.
My grief is about, "what a tragedy". I thought about her parents a lot on Thanksgiving. How did they spend their first holiday without her? Then I remembered how she felt so betrayed by them and I get mad. But they did the best they could, just like I did. I miss her sometimes. I've found recently that the memories I have aren't always of the really bad times. Sometimes they are of the sweet, romantic things she did for me that we all know I am such a fan of.
Michele made me who I am, and I will always owe her that. She made me the mean callous bitch. The mean callous bitch that understands and knows what there is to be grateful in for in life. The one that sees there is an upside. I know how to be grateful for all the intricacies that make Tracy Tracy. It's the tiny things I see, now.
A couple of months ago, Tracy and I had to drop my car off for an oil change. It took awhile for me to check in and be ready to go for breakfast. When I got back in the car, I apologized and Tracy looked at me like I was a mental case. You see, something like this would have started a fight with Michele.
I've learned a lot about myself and what it means to be me. I absolutely abhor that I left Michele, but this tells me I have some strength about me and I can say "enough is enough".
Not too long ago, someone insinuated that I thought I was over her dying. Ha. I didn't bother to correct that person, but I was insulted. Like how stupid does he/she think I am? The death of someone I loved and MARRIED and I think I'm over it in 3 months? Seriously? That is the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard. I was genuinely offended by that. If there is someone reading this who has been in these shoes, or even a relative of these shoes, give me a shout, because that is horse shit. Leaving her or not, I had implied responsibilities and I'm going to assert that unless you've had the experience you don't have a damn idea how it feels.
I think this is something I'll be dealing with for a long time. I also think "So what?" It is freaking expected, and it is okay. It is a trauma, as many life events are.
Dawn, 9:34 PM
