Dawn's Digression.

Guess what was on TV last night? The Little House on the Prairie pilot episode! Can you believe my good fortune? I had never seen it. I didn't recall if I had even seen that first house before. But then, Mr. Edwards gave the girls their very own drinking cups and candy canes, and I remembered that. But maybe I remembered it from reading the books. Why is it that every single time I watch that show I want to cry? Seriously. No matter what happens, I want to cry. Someone dies, I want to cry. It rains on the Ingalls' while their house in on fire. Ma is laughing and crying as the rain comes down on the house, thus saving the family fortune, which is hardly anything at all, but it is all they have. And I want to cry. The indians come and scare the Ingalls' and then befriend them. And I want to cry. Thank goodness Michele was home to save me from all that ugliness. I think it comes on again today at 5. I gotta hurry home. And I'm thinking, too, that perhaps I should re-read the Little House books. I've been thinking I should re-read the whole Flowers in the Attic series, too. That is such a good series. I just love the way the main character dies in the end. So...fitting. And dramatic. Yet peaceful.

I think I'm in a weird mood.

Last night Michele told me I was cranky, and I didn't even know it. I had to think about it for quite awhile before I figured out that -- Hey! I was cranky! I keep waiting for all emotions to stop. After you take some of this medication for awhile, you can tend to get numb and not give a crap about anything. That hasn't happened yet. To be honest, I'm not sure how much of a difference I feel. But I can tell you that I'm not terribly freaked out about getting married next weekend and the things that haven't been done, so maybe it is working. I just don't know.

That's LeeAnn and Nicole, her girlfriend. Nicole is sweet as pie. I'm kind of sad I haven't really gotten to talk to her before. And that Lee. I just wish I knew what it was that draws me to her. Have you ever had one of those friends that you just knew you had known longer than you've lived? LeeAnn is that to me. She and I used to kid that maybe I was her dog in a past life or something. I met Lee in 1994, I think. We weren't instant friends. I'm hardly ever instant friends with anyone. But at some point we must have had a great conversation because I have loved her to pieces for years. Part of it may have to do with the fact that she lived in CO when Rachel and I did and was a big part of my life at that difficult time. A~, she gets me. And there are so few who do. I suddenly feel the desire to write her a mushy Wish-I-Saw-You-More email. I'm going to refrain. Damn Paxil. (See? I have been feeling love. I told you!)

So, I'm thinking I'm such a lucky girl. I have great connections with people. I don't know how much is due to luck and how much is due to interpersonal skills. I'm banking on the luck. Like I always say, I may not have just tons of friends, but the friends I have are indeed friends. Not that fake bullshit. And it's funny because my friends are different. Like I have Melody, who saves me from my mental anguish on at least a weekly basis. I have Rachel who reminds me who I am. I have Chulie who encourages me and makes me laugh. If I need to debate politics, I call Tonya. I call different people for different needs. I suppose my friends better be glad I have all of them, or I'd overload someone. I am a high-maintenance girl.

Oh! (I don't think I was done with that stream of consciousness, but I am now!) Did I tell you Michele said I could maybe play "Hey Kind Friend" at the end of the reception?? (I said, "who reminds me who I am" so then I started singing:
"kind friend,
help me forget where I been,
hey kind friend
help me remember who I am",
and now, I have a song stuck in my head.) I love that song. A lot of it is probably inappropriate for the occasion, but it is for my friends and they will know what I'm saying. They'll know that I'm saying "Thank You" for putting up with me last few months and that I'm asking them to let me know when I get off track. And, holy smokes, why does this make me want to cry, too?