Dawn's Digression.

One of my friends has again disappointed me. It's just a lack of morals. A friend of mine is 'hooked up' with a friend who is with someone else. Or so the story goes. I just don't get it. Why would you do that? I'm losing a lot of respect for someone I once regarded very highly. I feel bad for being so disappointed in her when she was the one there for me when I needed someone. She never failed me. Am I failing her by being disappointed? I think I am. I feel unfaithful and like a bad friend. I am just out of tolerance for those who don't seem to have morals.
Another friend of mine disappointed me when she slept with the person she was dating on the second date (it's no one who read this). Again, why would you do that? It seems it has worked out for her. Very well, in fact. She is incredibly happy. I suppose I had put her on a pedestal, and the realization that she isn't as perfect as I thought disturbed me. Shame on me. No one is perfect.
I asked Michele why people couldn't just be what I thought they were. She asked me why I'm not what people think I am, and that maybe I'm not living up to their expectations. True. But if I don't know your expectations, how can I fill them? *shrug* Then again, why would I want to? Why would anyone want to fill mine? They wouldn't. But I was really just joking when I asked her. But I appreciated her answer and how she turned it back on me.

I am so angry today. I want to throw something. Break something. I've noticed it all weekend. I have some aggression. Perhaps I need to make it to the gym. I bet that would help. Do you ever get that way? Like you want to throw things and don't know why? I am so angry. And it is that awful angry that is frustration. I want to hurt someone and cry at the same time. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, and fall in a crumpled heap into the floor and bawl my eyes out. But just sometimes.

I think I almost have Michele convinced to let me try to take Prozac again. How? I dunno. I mentioned it a couple of weeks ago, and have left her to her own thoughts. But for some reason, I feel like she is watching me. Not in a creepy way. Just in a tiny, caring way. I was laying in my bed staring at the ceiling again the other day, and she came in and was very sweet. *shrug* I don't know that I *need* medication. I think lots of people medicate when they don't really need to. But, I would really like it. I would like my moods to level out. I want to treat M better than I have been. I want to be....Just better. That's all. A better friend, a better co-worker, a better employee, a better fiance. Better than I have been. Wanting that is a good thing. Medicating to get there is not necessarily a good thing. I know that. But I just need a tiny bit of help to get me through October. That's okay, isn't it??

I slept until almost noon today. I couldn't get up. Saw no reason to. It was our last day of softball, and I wanted to rest up. Boy, this heat just takes it right out of you. I was only out there two hours today, and was completely beat when we got home.

Eleven days until moving time. Not that I'm counting or anything! ;) I was washing dishes tonight, and I was thinking how wonderful it will be to have a dishwasher. And a yard where you can go out back and grill without the neighbors being able to see you. *sigh* How wonderful.