Dawn's Digression.
Monday, July 14, 2003
Be On My Side, I'll Be on Your Side, Baby!
I sat at my desk for over half an hour with an Indigo Girls CD in sight. I didn't put the CD in because I was stuck listening to The Twister. For anyone who might not be in Dallas, that is the new country station. Help me. I am addicted to country. Even Michele, who is from Oklahoma, has commented. It won't stop. First there was that Little Bitty song. It just keeps adding on. Finally, I have in 1200 Curfews. I forgot how good this CD is. Maybe this will help with the country addiction.
OH! Indigo Digression:
Love's Recovery. The song frickin' breaks my heart. The first time I saw IG in concert, this song made me cry. Damn those girls for singing this song. "Oh, how I wish I were a trinity, so that if I lost a part of me, I'd still have two of the same to live." Good God. I heard this at a time when I had just broken up with my girlfriend of 5 years, and was in a new relationship that had been several years in the making. I had them on each side. I cried like a damn baby. I really did. You ever feel like someone was so much a part of you that losing them was a death of part of yourself??
Damn. I just heard the first few lines of Mystery and got all teary eyed. It's good to know I'm in here somewhere. I swear, my life has been so surreal the past month or so, that I'm not sure who is living it. It seems like I am reading a book. I don't know what is real. Well, I guess that is untrue. I know what is real in my life, but it just doesn't seem it. First of all, I never thought I'd get married. I never foresaw myself in that dress. And I know that is what I always wanted, but I was never in a position to even daydream about it. Weddings are so expensive. If I were 100% financially responsible for this, it would never happen. I know I'd be fine with something simpler. I had something simpler once, and nothing could have been more perfect. But every girl has to dream about the dress and flowers, doesn't she? Right? Okay, well most girls that would actually WEAR a dress think of it, I think.
A~, I think the way I make it day by day is by not thinking about it. If I took a minute to stand back and take a look at what I've taken on, I know I'd bolt. Me? Seriously committing to someone for the rest of my life? No way. But I can't think of it that way. Don't lecture me on how I should take it that way. People are different. And thinking of it like that freaks my shit. But, I've been in this relationship for a while now, and day by day is how I take it. Otherwise, it is overwhelming.
"so what is love then is it dictated or chosen
...
and if it ever was there and it left
does it mean it was never true?"
~E. Saliers
I've asked this a million times. I say love is dictated and if it was there and it left it was never true. I can honest to God tell you that those I've loved I still love. And I can't imagine not loving those people. Not gonna happen. And if you could chose, my God, wouldn't life be easy? People can look incredibly good on paper. If you have ANYthing to say to this, please leave something in my comments. OR remember to bring it up the next time you see me. I love this topic. Love never dies. Love is energy. Energy doesn't die. It just turns into another form. Energy has to go somewhere. Which brings me to....
What happens when someone dies? Someone please help me with this. I don't believe energy ceases to exists. Nuh-unh. As previously stated, I don't know much about Physics, but I know that. I don't believe in Heaven. OR if I do, it's not really Heaven, but a state of ultimate consciousness where your soul has been perfected. Forgive me if that statement is a bit awkward. I don't know how to explain myself except to say that some souls seem 'old' to me, and some seem 'young'. I remember once, when I was having an Alternate State of Consciousness (ASC) that I felt or knew myself as an old spirit. I could see myself as very old. Even the person I was with at the time agreed. One belief I entertain, but don't necessarily endorse is that our souls are reborn over and over again until we become 'ultimate beings'. If this is true, I can tell you I am not yet there because "In my lifetime, I'm still not right!" (Extra points for knowing title and artist.)
Good gravy, I am craving some deep conversation. All of my deep conversationalists seem to live in Arlington, or some other place I can't seem to reach. (Yeah, you in Farmers Branch, too.)
Girls, I feel old. I know I'm not. I know 28 is SO young. I know this. Truly, I do. But I feel like I've been a grownup since forever. And I'm tired. For no apparent reason. It's so fucking stupid.
A~, my life is surreal. I feel like I should write a script and send it to some crazy producer like W00dy Allen or something. It's so bizarre. I don't recognize my life. And I suppose it is just a growing pain. I remember a couple of years ago, I had a huge falling out with some friends who had been a huge part of my life. I haven't spoken to them since, and I know it was just a growing pain. But it's weird to think that these girls where there, and now just a few emails I've saved. How freaky.
Damn IG. I think they depress me. Maybe that's why I'm listening to country.
Also, what I said up there, "Me? Seriously committing to someone for the rest of my life? No way. But I can't think of it that way." It is all too sad and true. I'm a flake. The kind of flake that knows she is a flake and tries not to be. If you've known me for awhile, you know I've said one thing, and done another. If you think you can tell me a fault of mine I don't know, you are insanely incorrect. No one is a better critic of me than myself. I just never thought I'd settle. Because I'm never 100% happy. And someone once said to me that she didn't think she could be with me knowing that I'd always be looking for more. What she didn't know is that even though I'll always be looking for more, I'll never find it. I don't know why I'm never happy. I'm just never perfect enough. (Never date a Virgo. We are harshly critical, even of ourselves.) It's not about the person I'm with, it's about the person I am. And there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about that.
My friend just watched "The Hours" and told me it sucked. Can you believe it? One of my most dramatic friends. (You know I love you anyhow! You make me feel all normal....) I'm sorry? The Hours sucked? No way, dude. That was a damn good movie. I guess I am a fatalist. I see, always, that life is hopeless, and an everyday struggle of "why". Thank God I don't ask myself. That movie made me feel okay. Like I wasn't alone in my hopelessness. And that is all anyone wants, is to feel like they aren't the only one.
You know what I love? Even after years of listening to My Girls (IG), I still say, "I love you!" when they say, "Thanks, ya'll, we've had a great time tonight."
OH! Indigo Digression:
Love's Recovery. The song frickin' breaks my heart. The first time I saw IG in concert, this song made me cry. Damn those girls for singing this song. "Oh, how I wish I were a trinity, so that if I lost a part of me, I'd still have two of the same to live." Good God. I heard this at a time when I had just broken up with my girlfriend of 5 years, and was in a new relationship that had been several years in the making. I had them on each side. I cried like a damn baby. I really did. You ever feel like someone was so much a part of you that losing them was a death of part of yourself??
Damn. I just heard the first few lines of Mystery and got all teary eyed. It's good to know I'm in here somewhere. I swear, my life has been so surreal the past month or so, that I'm not sure who is living it. It seems like I am reading a book. I don't know what is real. Well, I guess that is untrue. I know what is real in my life, but it just doesn't seem it. First of all, I never thought I'd get married. I never foresaw myself in that dress. And I know that is what I always wanted, but I was never in a position to even daydream about it. Weddings are so expensive. If I were 100% financially responsible for this, it would never happen. I know I'd be fine with something simpler. I had something simpler once, and nothing could have been more perfect. But every girl has to dream about the dress and flowers, doesn't she? Right? Okay, well most girls that would actually WEAR a dress think of it, I think.
A~, I think the way I make it day by day is by not thinking about it. If I took a minute to stand back and take a look at what I've taken on, I know I'd bolt. Me? Seriously committing to someone for the rest of my life? No way. But I can't think of it that way. Don't lecture me on how I should take it that way. People are different. And thinking of it like that freaks my shit. But, I've been in this relationship for a while now, and day by day is how I take it. Otherwise, it is overwhelming.
"so what is love then is it dictated or chosen
...
and if it ever was there and it left
does it mean it was never true?"
~E. Saliers
I've asked this a million times. I say love is dictated and if it was there and it left it was never true. I can honest to God tell you that those I've loved I still love. And I can't imagine not loving those people. Not gonna happen. And if you could chose, my God, wouldn't life be easy? People can look incredibly good on paper. If you have ANYthing to say to this, please leave something in my comments. OR remember to bring it up the next time you see me. I love this topic. Love never dies. Love is energy. Energy doesn't die. It just turns into another form. Energy has to go somewhere. Which brings me to....
What happens when someone dies? Someone please help me with this. I don't believe energy ceases to exists. Nuh-unh. As previously stated, I don't know much about Physics, but I know that. I don't believe in Heaven. OR if I do, it's not really Heaven, but a state of ultimate consciousness where your soul has been perfected. Forgive me if that statement is a bit awkward. I don't know how to explain myself except to say that some souls seem 'old' to me, and some seem 'young'. I remember once, when I was having an Alternate State of Consciousness (ASC) that I felt or knew myself as an old spirit. I could see myself as very old. Even the person I was with at the time agreed. One belief I entertain, but don't necessarily endorse is that our souls are reborn over and over again until we become 'ultimate beings'. If this is true, I can tell you I am not yet there because "In my lifetime, I'm still not right!" (Extra points for knowing title and artist.)
Good gravy, I am craving some deep conversation. All of my deep conversationalists seem to live in Arlington, or some other place I can't seem to reach. (Yeah, you in Farmers Branch, too.)
Girls, I feel old. I know I'm not. I know 28 is SO young. I know this. Truly, I do. But I feel like I've been a grownup since forever. And I'm tired. For no apparent reason. It's so fucking stupid.
A~, my life is surreal. I feel like I should write a script and send it to some crazy producer like W00dy Allen or something. It's so bizarre. I don't recognize my life. And I suppose it is just a growing pain. I remember a couple of years ago, I had a huge falling out with some friends who had been a huge part of my life. I haven't spoken to them since, and I know it was just a growing pain. But it's weird to think that these girls where there, and now just a few emails I've saved. How freaky.
Damn IG. I think they depress me. Maybe that's why I'm listening to country.
Also, what I said up there, "Me? Seriously committing to someone for the rest of my life? No way. But I can't think of it that way." It is all too sad and true. I'm a flake. The kind of flake that knows she is a flake and tries not to be. If you've known me for awhile, you know I've said one thing, and done another. If you think you can tell me a fault of mine I don't know, you are insanely incorrect. No one is a better critic of me than myself. I just never thought I'd settle. Because I'm never 100% happy. And someone once said to me that she didn't think she could be with me knowing that I'd always be looking for more. What she didn't know is that even though I'll always be looking for more, I'll never find it. I don't know why I'm never happy. I'm just never perfect enough. (Never date a Virgo. We are harshly critical, even of ourselves.) It's not about the person I'm with, it's about the person I am. And there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about that.
My friend just watched "The Hours" and told me it sucked. Can you believe it? One of my most dramatic friends. (You know I love you anyhow! You make me feel all normal....) I'm sorry? The Hours sucked? No way, dude. That was a damn good movie. I guess I am a fatalist. I see, always, that life is hopeless, and an everyday struggle of "why". Thank God I don't ask myself. That movie made me feel okay. Like I wasn't alone in my hopelessness. And that is all anyone wants, is to feel like they aren't the only one.
You know what I love? Even after years of listening to My Girls (IG), I still say, "I love you!" when they say, "Thanks, ya'll, we've had a great time tonight."
Dawn, 9:49 PM
