Dawn's Digression.
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Last night after finishing Beauty Queen, I decided to start on Bodily Harm. Here is a direct quote from that book: "Several popular singers and rock groups -- including the Indigo Girls -- portray self-injury in their lyrics and album art."
WTF? What are they talking about? I thought of maybe two things: "I'm looking for a sacred hand to carve into my stone..." or maybe Blood and Fire. And then I thought maybe I'm an idiot and that is what Blood and Fire is about. You know what? I am an idiot. I forgot the very first line of Blood and Fire is "I have spent nights with matches and knives". Duh. I guess I was taken aback that the authors singled out my girls. A~, I've always loved the first line because it seems so desperate, and I am very aware how desperation feels. I typically think of lyrics as figurative, and I guess that is how I've always thought about that song. Maybe subconsciously I knew what it was really about, and hence it was on my set list last week or whenever that was. What do you think?
After more thought, I've always taken part of Blood and Fire literally. Like "leaning over ledges only two flights up". I also understood when she said she had spent nights with knives. I just didn't think about the relationship between matches and knives. How silly of me. Don't I feel like a goober. A naive goober.
My current fixation is self-injury. No, not injuring myself. The practice and psychology of doing so. I really like Bodily Harm (the book). I'm still in the first chapter, but I have hopes I will finish it. Sometimes, I swear I live under a rock. Did you know people actually take out their eyeballs as a form of self-mutilation? I found myself saying, "Ouch!" out loud several times while reading the book last night. People actually amputate stuff. Facial skinning. Geez. These are people who really hurt. What I never thought about is that head banging and hitting oneself are forms of self-injury. I'm sure if I'd thought about it, I would see a relationship, but once again, I've found I take things at surface level. It's just easier that way.
I just love the public library. Have I mentioned that? Today after work, I'm going to pick up A Bright Red Scream and Sybil. I love books about mental illness. I'm fascinated by it.
Speaking of mental illness... I went for my follow up with the shrink yesterday. We're leaving the dosage alone for now, even though some of the side effects have been notsogood. Four weeks just isn't really long enough to tell. I am going back in a month. That guy makes so much money. I have GOT to be a psychiatrist. I bet he made $150 in 10 minutes with me yesterday. That's what I'm talking about! Let's see.... At seven years per two years of school....I have 6 years left...That would be 21 years. Hey, I'd be 50. That's not so bad. ;)
I did nothing last night except read. I did spend a few minutes working on my math homework. I'm very disappointed because I have to turn in my homework with an answer that I KNOW is wrong, and I can NOT figure out what is wrong. I can't get there early to ask anyone today, so I am SOL. So much for my 99 average. Who knows after that test on Monday, anyway. I am very disappointed in myself.
WTF? What are they talking about? I thought of maybe two things: "I'm looking for a sacred hand to carve into my stone..." or maybe Blood and Fire. And then I thought maybe I'm an idiot and that is what Blood and Fire is about. You know what? I am an idiot. I forgot the very first line of Blood and Fire is "I have spent nights with matches and knives". Duh. I guess I was taken aback that the authors singled out my girls. A~, I've always loved the first line because it seems so desperate, and I am very aware how desperation feels. I typically think of lyrics as figurative, and I guess that is how I've always thought about that song. Maybe subconsciously I knew what it was really about, and hence it was on my set list last week or whenever that was. What do you think?
After more thought, I've always taken part of Blood and Fire literally. Like "leaning over ledges only two flights up". I also understood when she said she had spent nights with knives. I just didn't think about the relationship between matches and knives. How silly of me. Don't I feel like a goober. A naive goober.
My current fixation is self-injury. No, not injuring myself. The practice and psychology of doing so. I really like Bodily Harm (the book). I'm still in the first chapter, but I have hopes I will finish it. Sometimes, I swear I live under a rock. Did you know people actually take out their eyeballs as a form of self-mutilation? I found myself saying, "Ouch!" out loud several times while reading the book last night. People actually amputate stuff. Facial skinning. Geez. These are people who really hurt. What I never thought about is that head banging and hitting oneself are forms of self-injury. I'm sure if I'd thought about it, I would see a relationship, but once again, I've found I take things at surface level. It's just easier that way.
I just love the public library. Have I mentioned that? Today after work, I'm going to pick up A Bright Red Scream and Sybil. I love books about mental illness. I'm fascinated by it.
Speaking of mental illness... I went for my follow up with the shrink yesterday. We're leaving the dosage alone for now, even though some of the side effects have been notsogood. Four weeks just isn't really long enough to tell. I am going back in a month. That guy makes so much money. I have GOT to be a psychiatrist. I bet he made $150 in 10 minutes with me yesterday. That's what I'm talking about! Let's see.... At seven years per two years of school....I have 6 years left...That would be 21 years. Hey, I'd be 50. That's not so bad. ;)
I did nothing last night except read. I did spend a few minutes working on my math homework. I'm very disappointed because I have to turn in my homework with an answer that I KNOW is wrong, and I can NOT figure out what is wrong. I can't get there early to ask anyone today, so I am SOL. So much for my 99 average. Who knows after that test on Monday, anyway. I am very disappointed in myself.
Dawn, 9:24 AM
