Dawn's Digression.
Monday, June 09, 2003
I think I have gotten boring. Or old. Or both. I’m not sure. It seems like I used to have much better conversations than I do now. It’s like I have nothing to talk about. It’s very sad. To me, anyway. This whole growing up thing is lovely and all, it’s just boring as hell.
I was looking at some pictures tonight from just 3 or 4 years ago. I used to have a lot of fun. Or maybe it just looks that way in retrospect. I can see that being the case. I was looking at pictures from the Grease party, and it seems like I’ve lost touch with almost everyone. I talk about how wonderful it is to have such great friends (I do), and that I don’t need or want acquaintances. But maybe I’m wrong. Like earlier today, I was writing about wanting to have some people over. Who the hell do I think would come?
All my life I’ve been waiting to grow up. I couldn’t wait until I graduated from high school so I could start ‘life’. I wanted to pay my own bills and be on my own. I don’t know what I was thinking. What did I think was out there? Whatever it was, I don’t think it is what I found.
I feel so disassociative. I don’t feel connections with people like I used to. I seldom get that warm fuzzy feeling I used to get all time. You know, the one you get when you feel like someone understands exactly where you are coming from and seems to read your mind. I feel like I hold everyone at arm’s length. I’ve noticed lately when I talk to people, I feel my mouth moving, and I hear words coming out, but I have no idea who is talking. Part of it is probably that I’m learning what it is people want to hear. And I give it to them. Why wouldn’t I? I couldn’t feel more fake. Maybe I just need to go out, get drunk, and make an ass out of myself. Then perhaps I would feel more like Dawn.
At least now I have quit looking for the perfect life I know doesn’t exist and I’ve learned to mostly enjoy the one I have. I have had a really nice run since January. I really hope that I have outgrown my childish bouts of depression and that this 5 month reprieve is going to last for a long time.
It is so amazing to me that through all the stress I have right this moment, I continue to function. And function well, I might add. There have been very few times when I took my stress out on others or became dramatic. Usually I just send an email to a friend, and then I’m over it.
Do you ever want to do something stupid like write a letter to someone, baring all the thoughts you really have no business sharing? I’ve been fighting the urge for months, and I haven’t been able to get the idea out of my head. I actually started a letter over a year ago. I’ve written in it a few times, but it just seems unfair to ever send it. What possible positive outcome could come from doing something like that? Nothing. It’s a completely selfish act. But, God, do I want to do it. I need to purge and say all the things I haven’t said. But at what cost? Not at the cost of anyone else’s feelings. Are you following me at all? Anybody know a good therapist? ;)
I was looking at some pictures tonight from just 3 or 4 years ago. I used to have a lot of fun. Or maybe it just looks that way in retrospect. I can see that being the case. I was looking at pictures from the Grease party, and it seems like I’ve lost touch with almost everyone. I talk about how wonderful it is to have such great friends (I do), and that I don’t need or want acquaintances. But maybe I’m wrong. Like earlier today, I was writing about wanting to have some people over. Who the hell do I think would come?
All my life I’ve been waiting to grow up. I couldn’t wait until I graduated from high school so I could start ‘life’. I wanted to pay my own bills and be on my own. I don’t know what I was thinking. What did I think was out there? Whatever it was, I don’t think it is what I found.
I feel so disassociative. I don’t feel connections with people like I used to. I seldom get that warm fuzzy feeling I used to get all time. You know, the one you get when you feel like someone understands exactly where you are coming from and seems to read your mind. I feel like I hold everyone at arm’s length. I’ve noticed lately when I talk to people, I feel my mouth moving, and I hear words coming out, but I have no idea who is talking. Part of it is probably that I’m learning what it is people want to hear. And I give it to them. Why wouldn’t I? I couldn’t feel more fake. Maybe I just need to go out, get drunk, and make an ass out of myself. Then perhaps I would feel more like Dawn.
At least now I have quit looking for the perfect life I know doesn’t exist and I’ve learned to mostly enjoy the one I have. I have had a really nice run since January. I really hope that I have outgrown my childish bouts of depression and that this 5 month reprieve is going to last for a long time.
It is so amazing to me that through all the stress I have right this moment, I continue to function. And function well, I might add. There have been very few times when I took my stress out on others or became dramatic. Usually I just send an email to a friend, and then I’m over it.
Do you ever want to do something stupid like write a letter to someone, baring all the thoughts you really have no business sharing? I’ve been fighting the urge for months, and I haven’t been able to get the idea out of my head. I actually started a letter over a year ago. I’ve written in it a few times, but it just seems unfair to ever send it. What possible positive outcome could come from doing something like that? Nothing. It’s a completely selfish act. But, God, do I want to do it. I need to purge and say all the things I haven’t said. But at what cost? Not at the cost of anyone else’s feelings. Are you following me at all? Anybody know a good therapist? ;)
Dawn, 9:57 PM
