Dawn's Digression.

"So many people have developed the stress-enhancing habit of disregarding the present as less important than what they hope and expect for the future. To them, life isn't about living today. It's about waiting and dreaming about tomorrow. Meanwhile, they feel discontented that they're not 'there' yet, and they are blinded to the possibilities for joy in the present moment. If you can relate to this, make a conscious decision to come back from the future and really live your life in the present."

Do you find yourself doing this? I definitely find myself doing that. That old saying, "Life is what happens while you're out making other plans" is so true, too.

I've been thinking a lot lately about regret. I don't have a lot of regrets anymore. To say I don't have any would be a boldfaced lie, and I know you'd be on to me. It feels like I have spent a lot of time living in the past, dwelling on how things could have been or might have been. The whole time I've been having regrets, life 'has been', and I should have been enjoying it instead of harping on the choices I've made. It's just silly to look back and beat myself up over and over again for the choices I made. Does rehashing them change anything? It doesn't. It just brings me down now. I don't want that for myself.

I said that being married didn't feel any different. It doesn't in terms of the relationship. It does, however, change the way I view things. I no longer feel as though I can listen to sappy songs and let them arouse the same feelings they used to. I feel like I've lost the right. I've lost the right to talk about lost love or longing. I've lost the right to complain too terribly much about Michele. Even when she is dead wrong. I don't have these rights anymore because they are disrespectful to my wife. My wife, for Pete's sake. My wife. How did I get one of those? I am the most volatile person I know. How I am the first of my close friends that has found herself in a marriage, I can't even imagine. I change my mind so often I confuse myself. I have no clue how my friends can even keep up with me. Anyway, I have been thinking about this a lot. I mean, the whole 'I don't have a right to discuss' thing. And the regret topic ties nicely in to that. To say I have regrets is to basically say that I am unhappy where I am in life now. In essence, to say I have regrets is to disrespect my wife. It is just far to early in our marriage to be disrespecting her in front of people, now, isn't it? :) Oh, sure, I feel like I can say that I should have gone to college or whatever. I don't feel too bad for saying that. But I'm going now, and that is what matters. Exactly what I told Alex, "Everyone screws up. It doesn't matter. What matters is how you recover from it." I like that advice from me.

I am bothered by the fact that my wife is feeling the consequences of the path I've chosen, though. She has done her time in school and beyond. She did what she was supposed to do, and is reaping the benefits. Because the person she has decided to spend her life with did not, she is forced to live actually BELOW her means, when she is used to so much more. She doesn't complain, but I know how she lived before. What, with her fancy name brand coffee and tea bags. hehe (I'm all about the store brand, Baby!) Now the poor baby rides around town in a purple truck named Barney and eats dollar store mac n cheese. Again, she doesn't complain. But I know.

I prefer to be a provider. I enjoy being the one to bring home the money. It makes me feel good about myself. I am not providing for my family the way I feel it deserves to be provided for. I may never be the provider I want to be, but things will get better. Going to school is the first step in ensuring a better future for all of us, and I'm glad I'm taking it. Baby steps. Not a damn thing wrong with that.

I think I had a dream about LeChat last night. Probably because when we went to PetSmart on Sunday, we saw a black kitten. I immediately thought about Chat and got misty-eyed. Isn't it amazing how much we grow to love our animals? LeChat has been gone for a year and a half, and I still miss him. He was the freakin' coolest cat ever. He would even walk on a leash. He used to open the bathroom drawers and pull out scrunchies and ponytail holders and carry them around the house. It was so cute! I can't tell you how many ponytail holders we had to buy because we could never find ours. We'd put the really big ponytail holders around his neck, and he would walk proudly around the house. Cute, cute, cute. And no, he was never in danger of hanging himself or anything else. That cat was so fat, he couldn't possibly jump. Isn't it weird when people talk about their dead animals?

Did I mention that Peanut has been wearing her Halloween bandana? So cute. She only gets to wear it when Mommy is home, though. I don't want her hanging herself.

We bought another mousey. (How the hell do you spell mousey? mousie? mousy?) Her name is Eve because when we saw her in the cage at PetSmart, she had her little hands together like she wasy praying. I first named her Mary to go with the other animal names (Martha, Muriel, McKenzie, Mabel), but Michele liked Eve better. Due to my wide religious background (NOT) Mary and Eve were the only biblical names I know. Besides Rachel. I don't think we're naming anything in my house Rachel.