Dawn's Digression.
Thursday, August 21, 2003
I am a happy camper. I know, it seems as though that could not be true, but it is.
My muffin is home. And last night we didn't do anything. We made dinner and then watched Chicago. I had a moment of disappointment because she didn't like it, and I hate that we don't like the same movies, but I got over it. It was nice to not have to take care of everything. She did laundry. I fed the animals. She made the pasta, I made the chicken. Thank goodness. We just sat on the couch and watched the movie. Then we watched some footage from my Grease party a couple of years back. We both looked much younger. Interesting what a couple of years will do to you. I also think I looked fatter then. I'm not sure I was any heavier, but man, I looked bad. And my hair -- I'm SO glad it has grown out. Ugh. Then we went to bed and actually had conversations about things.
Yesterday we practiced good communication skills. We actually discussed the whole Paxil issue. And she was much more supportive than I thought she would be. More supportive in that she didn't throw a fit and tell me she wasn't going to see me if I continued to take it. I told her, the nicest way I knew how, that she didn't have a choice and that 'we' are going to try it, and if it doesn't work for 'us', I'll quit taking it, but I am afraid I'll destroy what we have if I don't do something.
I don't know what made the difference. I don't know if it is because we're both realizing that we are becoming a single unit next month (!), because we hadn't seen each other in a few days, or because we're just tired of fighting...But I consider it a victory for both of us that neither of us blew the conversation. We did good. She doesn't understand why I would take it. She thinks I should just be able to deal with it. SO, I brought up Xanax and the fact that she takes it when she flies. I told her she takes it so she can chill out. To make life easier for herself. Well, that's all I'm doing. Why makes things harder than they have to be. I also pointed out that I've tried her way for over 2 years. For the most part, it's been fine. But right this minute, I need a little help. And I think that is okay.
I think maybe I'll try to make this an interactive activity. My first instinct is to quietly take the medication, and not rub her nose in the fact that I'm taking it. But if she wants to be more involved in what is going on in my head (she says she does), then I perhaps need to expose her to a little more of it. I should say things like, "Something like this would usually upset me, but...." Or, "Geez. I seem to have cotton mouth again today. It'll be great when my body adjusts!"
I asked her if she needed me to share more of my feelings with her, and she said that she does because I never tell her how I feel. And I went through the whole 'drama' conversation with her, and used the words "we" and "us" a lot. We're both going to try. She also asked me if I have anxiety about marrying her, and I honestly answered 'Yes'. Instead of just leaving it at that I told her that I'm afraid I'm not marrying my friend. We discussed that and it came out okay. She said the things she was supposed to say. We haven't been friends lately, and that isn't what either of us wants. We're just both over-whelmed.
I am so glad that she left. It seems we both have a little more perspective. We have seen things going in a nasty direction, and have acknowledged, calmly, that we can do better. I may need to force the issue a bit. It's easy to talk about trying. It's something else completely to take the action. Maybe it's time to pull out the books of questions again. We're just going to have to find a way to make time for each other during this busy time.
I have faith that things will again be blissful.
Good gravy, I feel good today. How will I know (when the medication kicks in) if I am happier because of the medication or because things are going better? Or if things are going better because I'm medicated? How will I know when it's okay to not take it anymore? That is always a tough call, IMHO.
I'm having dinner with Alex today. The last time I see my baby brother before he goes off to become an Aggie. What kind of big-sisterly advice will I give him? I think maybe just to call me. Maybe I didn't go to college, and I won't know exactly where he is coming from about everything, but I have been out here in this crazy world for 10 years, and I did learn a few things. I thought about giving the kid a calling card, but he has a cell phone, so that's a no go.
My muffin is home. And last night we didn't do anything. We made dinner and then watched Chicago. I had a moment of disappointment because she didn't like it, and I hate that we don't like the same movies, but I got over it. It was nice to not have to take care of everything. She did laundry. I fed the animals. She made the pasta, I made the chicken. Thank goodness. We just sat on the couch and watched the movie. Then we watched some footage from my Grease party a couple of years back. We both looked much younger. Interesting what a couple of years will do to you. I also think I looked fatter then. I'm not sure I was any heavier, but man, I looked bad. And my hair -- I'm SO glad it has grown out. Ugh. Then we went to bed and actually had conversations about things.
Yesterday we practiced good communication skills. We actually discussed the whole Paxil issue. And she was much more supportive than I thought she would be. More supportive in that she didn't throw a fit and tell me she wasn't going to see me if I continued to take it. I told her, the nicest way I knew how, that she didn't have a choice and that 'we' are going to try it, and if it doesn't work for 'us', I'll quit taking it, but I am afraid I'll destroy what we have if I don't do something.
I don't know what made the difference. I don't know if it is because we're both realizing that we are becoming a single unit next month (!), because we hadn't seen each other in a few days, or because we're just tired of fighting...But I consider it a victory for both of us that neither of us blew the conversation. We did good. She doesn't understand why I would take it. She thinks I should just be able to deal with it. SO, I brought up Xanax and the fact that she takes it when she flies. I told her she takes it so she can chill out. To make life easier for herself. Well, that's all I'm doing. Why makes things harder than they have to be. I also pointed out that I've tried her way for over 2 years. For the most part, it's been fine. But right this minute, I need a little help. And I think that is okay.
I think maybe I'll try to make this an interactive activity. My first instinct is to quietly take the medication, and not rub her nose in the fact that I'm taking it. But if she wants to be more involved in what is going on in my head (she says she does), then I perhaps need to expose her to a little more of it. I should say things like, "Something like this would usually upset me, but...." Or, "Geez. I seem to have cotton mouth again today. It'll be great when my body adjusts!"
I asked her if she needed me to share more of my feelings with her, and she said that she does because I never tell her how I feel. And I went through the whole 'drama' conversation with her, and used the words "we" and "us" a lot. We're both going to try. She also asked me if I have anxiety about marrying her, and I honestly answered 'Yes'. Instead of just leaving it at that I told her that I'm afraid I'm not marrying my friend. We discussed that and it came out okay. She said the things she was supposed to say. We haven't been friends lately, and that isn't what either of us wants. We're just both over-whelmed.
I am so glad that she left. It seems we both have a little more perspective. We have seen things going in a nasty direction, and have acknowledged, calmly, that we can do better. I may need to force the issue a bit. It's easy to talk about trying. It's something else completely to take the action. Maybe it's time to pull out the books of questions again. We're just going to have to find a way to make time for each other during this busy time.
I have faith that things will again be blissful.
Good gravy, I feel good today. How will I know (when the medication kicks in) if I am happier because of the medication or because things are going better? Or if things are going better because I'm medicated? How will I know when it's okay to not take it anymore? That is always a tough call, IMHO.
I'm having dinner with Alex today. The last time I see my baby brother before he goes off to become an Aggie. What kind of big-sisterly advice will I give him? I think maybe just to call me. Maybe I didn't go to college, and I won't know exactly where he is coming from about everything, but I have been out here in this crazy world for 10 years, and I did learn a few things. I thought about giving the kid a calling card, but he has a cell phone, so that's a no go.
Dawn, 12:55 PM
