Dawn's Digression.
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
It looks like I need to speak to my post on Sunday when I said I needed someone to be there for me and the person that needs to be can't because she has her own things going on.
I was talking about Michele, but trying not to point any fingers. My intent was not to be vague, just not to place blame. In the future I'll try to place more blame. ;)
So, I went to the doctor yesterday. Fun, fun. Actually, I was very excited to go. I hadn't been in over two years. I told the doctor about my little episode last week. I had an EKG and he took some blood to check various enzymes and to check my glucose level. He prescribed Paxil and told me to come back in two weeks.
Yes, friends, Paxil. This means I have to think of a way to approach the muffin. I told her last night that the doctor had given me Paxil. She asked "What for?" "Anxiety and depression." "Do you have anxiety and depression?" "Yes."
That's it. She didn't say anything else after that, and the topic has not even come up, which bothers me. I suppose I should be glad she didn't tell me she didn't want me to take it. I should be glad she wasn't argumentative. Instead I'm sad because she wouldn't discuss it with me. She won't ask why I have either or how I feel. Why doesn't she want to know how I feel? I hate that each time I have an actual feeling, it is regarded as 'drama'. I told her last week, as I was crying, that crying isn't always drama. Having feelings isn't always drama. Sometimes it is. But sometimes people are genuinely upset. And have a right to be so. Why is it so awful? I can see if someone is constantly bringing up things, and trying to create upsets. I've done it before and I know it. Here is the difference: Drama is when you tell everyone you know each time you have a feeling. When you confide in just one or two and only provide the highlights, and truly just want to talk, it's not drama. This is how I see it, anyway.
Now having said that, I can say I've been really dramatic! ;) I cried on the way to work today. I cried in bed last night. I have cried almost every day for week. My eye has been twitching for 24 hours now. It blows. It's just stress and I know it, but that doesn't make it stop. Cross your fingers for me that this Paxil will make a difference.
I had dinner with Melody last night. We always have such fun and stay longer than I think either of us means to. We just never run out of stuff to talk about. That's probably mostly because we usually agree with one another. :) Anyway, I was all happy after dinner. And then I got home and realized I still had laundry to do and a dog to let out and other stuff to do. I did the laundry, but decided I didn't give a shit about the rest of it. Mich called, I got upset, I cried, I went to sleep.
Michele comes home tomorrow. I'd like to say I can't wait, but I haven't even gotten bored, yet! I've been constantly busy while she's gone. It seems like one thing after another. I even have an appointment tonight for alterations. I've decided to cancel the appointment, but for some reason, I cannot get myself to call and cancel. It would make my day if someone would do that one thing for me. It's so funny the things that I put off. It's a phone call. Big whoop. Yet it is what I dread most today. Well, besides changing three litter boxes. That kinda sucks. But tonight I'm going to watch The Hours, which I bought on Friday and throw some stuff away before Mich gets home. I'll kinda clean up the house a little, but not a lot, and do a load of laundry since I wore her socks yesterday. I'm not unpacking crap. I'm not organizing anything. I'm going to sit. And not drink. I have GOT to quit drinking. I've drank the 4 last nights in a row. No wonder I feel crappy, hunh?
We're having fajitas today at work, and I could not be more pleased. (Nevermind I've had Mexican food the last 4 days in a row as well.) I am hungry. HUNGRY. Been hungry for a solid week. Dunno what's up with that. But that's not the point. The point is I get free fajitas, and I'm very happy about it. Yummy!
I was talking about Michele, but trying not to point any fingers. My intent was not to be vague, just not to place blame. In the future I'll try to place more blame. ;)
So, I went to the doctor yesterday. Fun, fun. Actually, I was very excited to go. I hadn't been in over two years. I told the doctor about my little episode last week. I had an EKG and he took some blood to check various enzymes and to check my glucose level. He prescribed Paxil and told me to come back in two weeks.
Yes, friends, Paxil. This means I have to think of a way to approach the muffin. I told her last night that the doctor had given me Paxil. She asked "What for?" "Anxiety and depression." "Do you have anxiety and depression?" "Yes."
That's it. She didn't say anything else after that, and the topic has not even come up, which bothers me. I suppose I should be glad she didn't tell me she didn't want me to take it. I should be glad she wasn't argumentative. Instead I'm sad because she wouldn't discuss it with me. She won't ask why I have either or how I feel. Why doesn't she want to know how I feel? I hate that each time I have an actual feeling, it is regarded as 'drama'. I told her last week, as I was crying, that crying isn't always drama. Having feelings isn't always drama. Sometimes it is. But sometimes people are genuinely upset. And have a right to be so. Why is it so awful? I can see if someone is constantly bringing up things, and trying to create upsets. I've done it before and I know it. Here is the difference: Drama is when you tell everyone you know each time you have a feeling. When you confide in just one or two and only provide the highlights, and truly just want to talk, it's not drama. This is how I see it, anyway.
Now having said that, I can say I've been really dramatic! ;) I cried on the way to work today. I cried in bed last night. I have cried almost every day for week. My eye has been twitching for 24 hours now. It blows. It's just stress and I know it, but that doesn't make it stop. Cross your fingers for me that this Paxil will make a difference.
I had dinner with Melody last night. We always have such fun and stay longer than I think either of us means to. We just never run out of stuff to talk about. That's probably mostly because we usually agree with one another. :) Anyway, I was all happy after dinner. And then I got home and realized I still had laundry to do and a dog to let out and other stuff to do. I did the laundry, but decided I didn't give a shit about the rest of it. Mich called, I got upset, I cried, I went to sleep.
Michele comes home tomorrow. I'd like to say I can't wait, but I haven't even gotten bored, yet! I've been constantly busy while she's gone. It seems like one thing after another. I even have an appointment tonight for alterations. I've decided to cancel the appointment, but for some reason, I cannot get myself to call and cancel. It would make my day if someone would do that one thing for me. It's so funny the things that I put off. It's a phone call. Big whoop. Yet it is what I dread most today. Well, besides changing three litter boxes. That kinda sucks. But tonight I'm going to watch The Hours, which I bought on Friday and throw some stuff away before Mich gets home. I'll kinda clean up the house a little, but not a lot, and do a load of laundry since I wore her socks yesterday. I'm not unpacking crap. I'm not organizing anything. I'm going to sit. And not drink. I have GOT to quit drinking. I've drank the 4 last nights in a row. No wonder I feel crappy, hunh?
We're having fajitas today at work, and I could not be more pleased. (Nevermind I've had Mexican food the last 4 days in a row as well.) I am hungry. HUNGRY. Been hungry for a solid week. Dunno what's up with that. But that's not the point. The point is I get free fajitas, and I'm very happy about it. Yummy!
Dawn, 10:03 AM
