Dawn's Digression.
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
I'm a fat, lazy cow!
I finally got my new book of questions on Monday. It only took it a month to arrive. I was so ticked. A~, last night we actually had a few minutes to answer some of them. One question was "What do you think I could do to enjoy life more?" Muffin said she thought that I would be happier if I was more involved in things. Like a hobby or a group or something. I can't decide what I think about that. In some ways, I can see why she would say that. She loves being a part of a group and having the busy schedule. I, on the other hand, LOVE it when I can come straight home from work and veg on the couch. I don't crave contact with people. Not like that, anyway. I enjoy being alone. Having time to reflect. Puttering around the house. And I enjoy conversations with people. But not on the superficial level. That's just not me. She said that when all you do is go to work and come home, that's all your life is. Is it? I'm really asking. I can see the point. I really do. And I have been looking for a group that fits my interests for quite awhile. Nothing pans out. Or I don't encourage things to pan out. Something like that. I tried those 'MeetUps' you see linked towards the bottom of the page. There weren't enough people this month for any of them to meet. I'm on the soccer team. Granted, I didn't play last week, and won't play this week, either, and we only have one game left. But I was doing that. I'm not annoyed by her answer at all. I'm really thinking about it. I want to be a happy girl. (Well, most of the time I want to be a happy girl...I do have my moments of self-pity, though.) If there are things I can do to improve my life, why shouldn't I be thinking about them?
I like our new book of questions. A lot of them could easily provoke a fight. I think a lot of it will be in the way that we approach the question. I look at it as a way of communicating things we wouldn't otherwise. If she answers a question in a way that pisses me off, it is probably something I need to think about. Because really, when something makes you angry, it could well be because it is the truth. Possibly a truth you are unhappy with. I am learning a lot about myself these days. Or the last few years, really. For example, yesterday at the gym I was ready to go at 6:25. So, I told her I was ready to go. She gave me a 'look' and mentioned that I used to stay until 6:45 and my time at the gym is getting shorter and shorter. Partly true. It pissed me off. I felt like she was calling me fat and lazy, when that is not at all what she said. But that is what I perceived. I get to the gym before she does. And I happen to think an hour at the gym is fine. I was staying longer at first. It was also taking me longer. I didn't have my 'groove' yet. I spend more time on the death machine than I did before. Half an hour. You may recall I was on for 10 minutes the first time and thought I was going to die. I'm feeling more productive when I go. And to be honest, I'm still proud that I'm actually going. This is the longest I've ever stuck to a health regimen. Even though I'm not losing weight or anything, I'm doing the right thing and I am damn proud. A~(Damn, that was a digression!), my point was that I got mad at her. I said, "You just pissed me off." Then I went home and started supper. I was trying to figure out what made me so mad. And it was the perceived "You're a fat lazy cow" statement that ticked me off. That isn't what she meant. She was probably trying to encourage me to stay longer for my own good. And as perfect as she's been I decided to cut her a break. By the time she got home everything was fine. She apologized for ticking me off, and we went about our business. I'm trying to learn to take the time to understand my motivation or what the trigger is. In the case of last night, it worked perfectly. YAY!
I like our new book of questions. A lot of them could easily provoke a fight. I think a lot of it will be in the way that we approach the question. I look at it as a way of communicating things we wouldn't otherwise. If she answers a question in a way that pisses me off, it is probably something I need to think about. Because really, when something makes you angry, it could well be because it is the truth. Possibly a truth you are unhappy with. I am learning a lot about myself these days. Or the last few years, really. For example, yesterday at the gym I was ready to go at 6:25. So, I told her I was ready to go. She gave me a 'look' and mentioned that I used to stay until 6:45 and my time at the gym is getting shorter and shorter. Partly true. It pissed me off. I felt like she was calling me fat and lazy, when that is not at all what she said. But that is what I perceived. I get to the gym before she does. And I happen to think an hour at the gym is fine. I was staying longer at first. It was also taking me longer. I didn't have my 'groove' yet. I spend more time on the death machine than I did before. Half an hour. You may recall I was on for 10 minutes the first time and thought I was going to die. I'm feeling more productive when I go. And to be honest, I'm still proud that I'm actually going. This is the longest I've ever stuck to a health regimen. Even though I'm not losing weight or anything, I'm doing the right thing and I am damn proud. A~(Damn, that was a digression!), my point was that I got mad at her. I said, "You just pissed me off." Then I went home and started supper. I was trying to figure out what made me so mad. And it was the perceived "You're a fat lazy cow" statement that ticked me off. That isn't what she meant. She was probably trying to encourage me to stay longer for my own good. And as perfect as she's been I decided to cut her a break. By the time she got home everything was fine. She apologized for ticking me off, and we went about our business. I'm trying to learn to take the time to understand my motivation or what the trigger is. In the case of last night, it worked perfectly. YAY!
Dawn, 12:06 PM
