Dawn's Digression.
Thursday, March 20, 2003
I feel like shit. Not physically, but emotionally. I'm not upset about anything in particular, I'm just needy and tired. What I want more than anything right now is to go home and crawl in bed with Michele and take a nap. Then get up and watch some movies and eat dinner. I am just exhausted.
I haven't been going to bed at a decent time. Last night I didn't make it to bed until midnight, and the night before it was after 11. Last night I had every intention of going to bed early, but I upset myself by thinking about Granny, and then Michele was watching CNN, so I watched that for half a hour or so. So much for that. I need to make sure I get to bed early tonight. I know I won't want to, because Michele gets home late, and I hate going to bed without her. Pathetic, no? Yes. Yes, I know it is. I just need attention. Damn hormones! I'm drinking a Diet Coke right now. Trying to get some caffeine so that I'll be in the mood to go to the gym. I'd give anything not to go tonight, but I know I will feel bad about myself if I don't go.
Rachel is having her knee surgery today. Poor baby. I feel awful that I am not much of a friend to her. It just shows that I've let her down too many times. I suppose I knew that. She doesn't even bother to call me to ask for favors anymore. How shitty is that? I'm tired of feeling like I let people down. I question if I am there for anybody anymore. A~, Rachel needed a ride to the hospital and didn't even think to ask me since I am rarely able to help her. I work maybe 2 miles from her home. The hospital is probably 2 miles from there. Had she called to ask me earlier in the week, I'd have worked it out with the boss. But, I talked to her last night, and she had to be there this morning, plus she already found a ride, so I didn't take her. And I feel bad about it. I want so badly to take care of her at times, but I know I can't be the one to do that. It's too complicated. Unfortunately, there still is a line I can't cross. It becomes a question of if I do it out of friendship or love. And I know it can be both, but it doesn't look that way to our current girlfriends. And whether we like it or not, how they feel about the time we spend together counts. I asked if she needed me to pick her up when she was done at the hospital today, but her girlfriend has that covered. I plan to go over there tomorrow after work to hang out with her for a bit and meet her new kitty. I am filled with guilt for not being the friend I should be to her. And I miss my friend more often than I care to admit. I was thinking yesterday how bizarre it is that we broke up. I am certainly not meaning to say I don't like the life I have now. I wouldn't trade Michele for anything. Things are just different than I imagined. As I've mentioned before, I am grateful that we remain friends and on good terms.
I've been thinking about the importance of friends lately. Granny has tons of visitors. We have so many family friends, I couldn't possibly name them all. Two of her friends from way back when, I mean at least 50 years, visit her three times a week. That's more than I visit. Neighbors from years ago visit her all the time. The maintenance man from her assisted living home came to visit her. One of her home healthcare aides who lived with her 10 years ago has been visiting as well. And I keep thinking over and over about what an obvious impact she has had on other's lives. She is a lucky woman to have such friends. Especially since these friends have been coming to her for the last 15 or so years since she hasn't been able to go to them. That is a heck of a strong friendship, folks. I didn't realize until recently that not everyone has true friendships. I can't imagine a life without them. As much as it warms my heart to know that everyone loves my grandmother, it just breaks it to see what we're all losing.
It takes quite a bit to really make me angry lately. Everything seems trivial. Like the near-fight with Michele a couple of nights ago. It wasn't in my heart to try to get angry. I was pissed, yes, but as quickly as I became angry, I let it go. It just wasn't worth it. So few things are worth it. I've been reading Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, which is an excellent book if you haven't read it. It says the same thing. Much of what upsets people is really not that important. We let details of life beat us down, when they aren't what matters.
I like my new outlook, even if it is surrounded by sadness. I doubt this is a permanent change in temperament for me, but it is certainly a good lesson to learn. I am truly appreciating those who are supporting me. I suppose this is one of those times when you learn who you can count on. Every now and then someone will surprise you in a good way.
I haven't been going to bed at a decent time. Last night I didn't make it to bed until midnight, and the night before it was after 11. Last night I had every intention of going to bed early, but I upset myself by thinking about Granny, and then Michele was watching CNN, so I watched that for half a hour or so. So much for that. I need to make sure I get to bed early tonight. I know I won't want to, because Michele gets home late, and I hate going to bed without her. Pathetic, no? Yes. Yes, I know it is. I just need attention. Damn hormones! I'm drinking a Diet Coke right now. Trying to get some caffeine so that I'll be in the mood to go to the gym. I'd give anything not to go tonight, but I know I will feel bad about myself if I don't go.
Rachel is having her knee surgery today. Poor baby. I feel awful that I am not much of a friend to her. It just shows that I've let her down too many times. I suppose I knew that. She doesn't even bother to call me to ask for favors anymore. How shitty is that? I'm tired of feeling like I let people down. I question if I am there for anybody anymore. A~, Rachel needed a ride to the hospital and didn't even think to ask me since I am rarely able to help her. I work maybe 2 miles from her home. The hospital is probably 2 miles from there. Had she called to ask me earlier in the week, I'd have worked it out with the boss. But, I talked to her last night, and she had to be there this morning, plus she already found a ride, so I didn't take her. And I feel bad about it. I want so badly to take care of her at times, but I know I can't be the one to do that. It's too complicated. Unfortunately, there still is a line I can't cross. It becomes a question of if I do it out of friendship or love. And I know it can be both, but it doesn't look that way to our current girlfriends. And whether we like it or not, how they feel about the time we spend together counts. I asked if she needed me to pick her up when she was done at the hospital today, but her girlfriend has that covered. I plan to go over there tomorrow after work to hang out with her for a bit and meet her new kitty. I am filled with guilt for not being the friend I should be to her. And I miss my friend more often than I care to admit. I was thinking yesterday how bizarre it is that we broke up. I am certainly not meaning to say I don't like the life I have now. I wouldn't trade Michele for anything. Things are just different than I imagined. As I've mentioned before, I am grateful that we remain friends and on good terms.
I've been thinking about the importance of friends lately. Granny has tons of visitors. We have so many family friends, I couldn't possibly name them all. Two of her friends from way back when, I mean at least 50 years, visit her three times a week. That's more than I visit. Neighbors from years ago visit her all the time. The maintenance man from her assisted living home came to visit her. One of her home healthcare aides who lived with her 10 years ago has been visiting as well. And I keep thinking over and over about what an obvious impact she has had on other's lives. She is a lucky woman to have such friends. Especially since these friends have been coming to her for the last 15 or so years since she hasn't been able to go to them. That is a heck of a strong friendship, folks. I didn't realize until recently that not everyone has true friendships. I can't imagine a life without them. As much as it warms my heart to know that everyone loves my grandmother, it just breaks it to see what we're all losing.
It takes quite a bit to really make me angry lately. Everything seems trivial. Like the near-fight with Michele a couple of nights ago. It wasn't in my heart to try to get angry. I was pissed, yes, but as quickly as I became angry, I let it go. It just wasn't worth it. So few things are worth it. I've been reading Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, which is an excellent book if you haven't read it. It says the same thing. Much of what upsets people is really not that important. We let details of life beat us down, when they aren't what matters.
I like my new outlook, even if it is surrounded by sadness. I doubt this is a permanent change in temperament for me, but it is certainly a good lesson to learn. I am truly appreciating those who are supporting me. I suppose this is one of those times when you learn who you can count on. Every now and then someone will surprise you in a good way.
Dawn, 3:30 PM
