Dawn's Digression.

Back to the Real World

Well, vacation was nice. AND it's nice to be back. Kind of. What isn't nice is the heat here. Four days ago I was in Cape Cod wearing a sweatshirt and freezing. Today it is 91 degrees outside. I'm not sure I've ever mentioned it, but I hate Texas. Darn my family for living here and darn me for not having the drive to move away. If there is one thing I've learned, it is that no matter where you go, there you are. You just can't escape yourself. I've tried.

I'm going to chance sounding dramatic here. Of course, I've heard that if you are my friend, you learn to take my fits of drama in stride. Learn to deal with them as they arise, and just know that if you give me a day or two, I'll be back on Earth with you. I hate this description of me. I maintain that I am not always dramatic. I just reach that breaking point I talk about. Then I go crazy for a few hours. But then I snap back. I think being my friend makes people tired.
Anyway, that wasn't my point.

I was talking to TC the other day and I asked her if it is normal to think about dying. I mean self-induced dying. She said no, it's not. She said everyone had thought about that before (duh) but that it was indeed NOT normal to really contemplate the issue. Is she being truthful? I think she is the stranger here. I mean, aren't you ever driving on the highway, maybe on one of those huge overpasses at midnight and suddenly wonder how it would be if you just drove off the bridge? Or maybe if you just took that whole bottle of sleeping pills? It's not like I'm planning it or anything. I just think about it. Don't you ever just get sick and tired of the daily struggle that life is? Don't you get sick of being who you are and sick of your patterns? Or of your 'drama'?? Then, of course, if you speak your thoughts, you're criticized for having the 'poor me' syndrome. Which I do not have, thankyouverymuch. I do NOT feel sorry for myself. Not really. Okay, maybe a tad. But most of the things that irritate me are of my own design. Things haven't just 'happened' to me. Ya know? And I don't walk around all the time feeling sorry for myself. Nope. Occasionally maybe I do. Doesn't everyone? It's not like I call my very best friends and talk about how awful my life is. I KNOW that I'm blessed in many ways. I do call my very best friends and complain, though. But I'm just blowing off steam. Especially the last couple of months. Things have been just damned awful. But I feel better now. I'm not in school right now. The checking account is fixed. I'm not in financial ruin at the moment. TC isn't mean. The animals seem to be well.