Dawn's Digression.

But I need to know, will you stay for all time - Fisher

Yeah. I guess I'm not done. I've still got over 30 minutes before my nightly telephone call. So, I have time to write. Cool. I've completely forgotten what I was going to write, though... I'm sure it was something about love and my distrust of it. All very boring. I'm sure it would be more interesting if I would talk about my cat's bathroom habits or my financial troubles. I think I should rename my blog "The Whiner's Whine" or something. How about "Would you like some cheese with that whine?" But you see, my friend, that is why I have the blog. If you're reading, it is because you want to. So take that. *sticks tongue out*
I'm listening to Michelle Malone. I love her. What is it about me loving obscure artists no one else has ever heard of? I dunno. But I suppose that is at least one thing that makes me different from the masses. Or is it? Does everyone love obscure bands? Do you? I can't tell you how excited I am that I think I have talked my girlfriend into going to see Melissa Ferrick with me. I'm not sure why she might have agreed to it (I'm not getting my hopes up yet, but she said she doesn't want me to go alone, which I will do if it comes down to it), but it makes me really happy. I have completely involved myself in the softball thing that is SO important to her...and it is great that she is taking interest (no matter how forced) in what is important to me. OMG....She doesn't like music videos. *gasp* See, now I think I see the demise of the relationship. Because I am one of those kooks who will sit and watch a music DVD over and over. But *sigh* then again, I am NOT a sports fanatic, but I watch it for her. I even try a little to keep up with what's going on.
Can I tell you what really scares me? I'm afraid of giving too much. That happened with Rachel and I. I kissed her ass for years. I was waiting for her to start kissing mine. And when it didn't happen I lost patience with it. And now I find myself again bending over backwards for someone who will probably never do the same. I'm not saying she doesn't do stuff for me....and a couple of things to occur to me....1) I expect too much 2) I could be missing some of the things she does. Part 2 I think is closer. We all miss the little things people do for us. We don't realize they are doing them for us. We don't understand the motivation. And of course, it would be rude to draw attention everytime you do something for someone. That's not how it is supposed to be. You don't do it for the recognition, but to make that person happy. The only problem with that is that sometimes you DO expect something back. And again, I'll say I try not to expect too much. I've been let down by everyone...and you know, it's that song...can't remember the name, but "don't expect too much, and you might not be let down" Gin Blossoms? I dunno. But I think about that a lot. And I have kind of cut down on what I expect from people. Because then it is always a nice surprise when they actually DO do what you want them to. Hmmm. What do I expect? Depends who you are. I expect you to answer my emails within a couple of weeks. I expect my girlfriend to call every night before bed. I expect someone to rub my head when I'm sad, and hold me when I cry.

I am so grateful to Rachel. She is the one I call when I really need someone. Because every single time she comes through for me. Even when I don't deserve it. I don't know what she does. She doesn't really say anything. Usually just 'it's okay'. But I don't usually need anymore than that. And she will come sit with me. No matter how hypocritical I am, she still is there...and I can't say I've done the same for her. I want to. More than anything. I told her that just a couple of weeks ago. I hope that someday I will be the friend to her she is to me, but I just don't know if I have it in me. I am amazed and surprised that our friendship has made it through all of our harsh words, bruises, and tears. I think that was what I feared most in losing her. And I know it was what she feared most. Because she always said "you won't talk to me anymore after you move out. You don't want me in your life". At the time, that was partly true, but not now. I'm finally to the point where seeing her doesn't hurt. I'm not sad when we part. I still have the best of her, her friendship. Anyway, I'm just being really thankful right now that I still have that friend. I'm quite lucky in the way of the friend. I know this. For just about every predicament I can get myself into, I know I have someone to call.
Anyway,
That's way too much....I don't even know what I'm rambling about. I haven't even been drinking. Can you imagine?
HOWEVER.
I WILL be drinking tomorrow. Woo-hoo! My Indigo Girls. That's right. I own them. I don't think they know it yet, but I'll let them know at some point in time. My stalking career is over, so I have to be subtle.
And ya know, now that I wrote all this stuff up there, I'm guessing I better not ever share my blog with my girlfriend, eh? She probably wouldn't read it anyway. I think she finds my thought processes a little too...unstructured. I have to talk through something to get to a point. I don't just blurt out a conclusion and sum it up that way.
I am a little hyper. That damn nap. Please hold while I take NyQuil. Wait. I can't get up. I'm listening to a cool song. Okay, now I'm getting up.
Do you wanna know how cheap I am? I am so cheap I have only one box of Kleenex. Okay, that doesn't sound bad, you think. But I took my box of Kleenex to work and forgot to bring it home. So now I'm wiping my face with the same stuff I usually wipe my butt with. Why I couldn't buy another box to take to work, the world may never know. Except then I'd leave them on my desk, which would freak me out because I hate stuff on top of my desk. I don't even leave out my stapler. My coworkers think I'm crazy, but I don't care. I think they are crazy. :) And mostly they are. But anyway, I suppose that's my Kleenex story. Wasn't it fascinating?
So, I guess I'm feeling a little better. I can breathe. And I haven't taken any drugs since this morning. Which is good. Drugs are bad. Just say no. Yeah, W~.
Oh no. I got bad news the other day. I thought I was done with my Associates degree. Yeah. Notsomuch. I'm one class short. UNLESS that DMAT counts credit wise. If that counts, I think I'm okay. If not, then dammit all to hell, I have to wait until next year to get the damn piece of paper. Not that it matters...it won't help me, and I have to keep going to school for the next 500 years anyway, but it would have been nice to have been done with that, anyway. I suppose I'm going to major in Business Administration. There was Business Management, but that's more the people side, and I just really hate people. SO~ that doesn't work for me. So, BA, it is. Oy. How very interesting. I tell you what. ... I wanna make a lot of money. I so want to be able to provide for my family, or wife, or whatever I have, and it frustrates me to no end that I can't see that anytime soon. I don't want to be a liability to someone. I want to be an asset...but I'm not even an asset to myself. I did this credit card thing, and I'm scheduled to get everything paid off in two years. Yeah. IF I don't charge anything else EVER and I don't save any money and nothing breaks, etc etc.. How frustrating. So I suppose this puts me in the same category as most of the rest of the population, doesn't it? I know. But it is still frustrating. And someone tell me how I can get into a relationship while I'm such a burden. And it bothers me to no end that she makes more than I do. I'm not used to that. Well, Ruby made more than I did, but things were different in those days. I want to be able to do things for her and take her places, etc, and I can't do any of it...and I have no idea when I'll be able to. I think she deserves more than that. Of course, on the other end of that, she's had that, but not the emotional availability I have. But she shouldn't have to choose. She should have both. I want to be all things. Yeah. Perfectionist. Setting myself up for failure. But that's how I feel. I like to take care of people. And I feel like when I do that, I will be taken care of when I need it.
That's the general thought, anyway.