Dawn's Digression.

it's funny what you know
and still go on pretending
with no good evidence
you'll ever see that happy ending - Emily Saliers

Man. Have I ever felt like crap the past couple of days. I called in to work yesterday and hardly even felt bad about it. I slept all day. Unless you count that hour or so when the girlfriend brought me lunch. She brought me my favorite from Jason's Deli (Pollo Ranchero Wrap). It was great because it had jalepenos, something I could actually taste. It was nice to sleep like that, though. In my bed curled up with Peanut and Boo-Boo watching Animal Planet. This morning I got up and went to work like a good girl. Of course, all day I was being pressured into going home. And finally I did at 3:30. I was in bed and sleeping by 4. This time watching Oxygen. Or the cats were. I wasn't watching crap. Woke up at 6, studied for a test, watched half a movie, then went and took the test. And here I am at 9:15 bloggin'. Not bad on the productivity scale. Sure, it would be better if I hadn't come home from work, but I needed that nap SO badly. I wanted to take my Speech test on Saturday, but we are having lunch with her friend Allison at 11:45 and I just really didn't feel like rushing around. She gets funky when time is slim. I do, too. That combination is NOT good.
Tomorrow I see my girls. I'm so stoked. I wish, though, my friend Melody were going. Rachel is going with us. That sucks for them, because I intend to be completely and totally drunk by evening's end. I worry about gf going out to Deep Ellum, not exactly her scene, and she is going to FREAK out when she sees where she has to leave her vehicle. I asked Rachel about driving, and she didn't seem that excited about that concept. Oy. These women. I wish I had a car instead. Then one of them could just drive mine. We could just throw Rachel in the back of the truck. hehe Or we could all squish in the cab of my truck. Sure, let's make a tense situation even worse. Ugh. Having those two together stresses me. GF tries so hard to communicate with Rachel, but Rach is quiet. And really, they don't have all that much in common. I wish they'd be friends, though. I'm friends with all of her friends. Even those I wouldn't otherwise seek out. I can understand them not really connecting or whatever. I don't connect with Raevyn. And even that is easier since I was seeing someone before I even moved out from living with Rachel.
On March 3, I get to see Melissa Ferrick again. Woo-hoo! And I'm especially excited because my girlfriend agreed to go. She gets to meet Melody. I'm not really looking for a connection there, either. But Rachel and Raevyn will be there, too, so that's cool. Damn, I wish she could get in with my friends. It sucks. As far as I know I'm totally in with hers. But when it comes to my friends there is really only a couple that she will say she likes. Like I'd ever tell her which of her friends I'm not really into. Ya know? We are just so damned different. I have no idea how it can work.
And like the whole thing about us living together scares the shit out of me, and I keep thinking, shouldn't I be more sure? Shouldn't I be? Maybe. But who is ever 100% sure?? And for me, it is so scary, because I ... well, to be repetitive... if things didn't work with Rachel, I have no hope they will work with anyone. She was my other half, and to think our love wasn't enough just completely breaks the entire love spell for me. I don't believe in it. And I wonder if it is okay to be in a relationship with someone I don't have that connection with. It's just like how my girlfriend says she has that connection with an ex of hers. Yeah, I know that connection. And how do you know it's okay to have a relationship without it? I don't know. But I do know I love her. She brings out the best in me. I don't know how she does it, but it is incredible. I haven't fucked up in a LONG time. Well, okay, maybe once...but well... it's not anything anyone would ever know, so does it matter? Nope. :) Good. Really, though. I am doing things right. I've never done them right before. And a lot of it is because I'm afraid of how she will react to me. She's tough. Too tough sometimes. I feel like I have no room to make mistakes. I have to watch every step I make. But in a way this is good, because I've become accountable. Once again....about time.

I'm listening to "Good Morning Beautiful". :) When did I get all country? I don't know but I love this song. AudioGalaxy is my friend. I also DL Lonestar - Amazed. And some Firefall (You are the woman that I've always dreamed of, I knew it from the start, I saw your face and that's the last I've seen of my heart) and some Supertramp. Lame. That's me. And I'm damn proud.