Dawn's Digression.
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
I haven't been sleeping. The last two nights I've laid in bed, unable to sleep, long after the lights were turned out. And once I am actually able to sleep, it is a restless sleep. I have yet to be on time to work this week or last. There is a ton of stuff going on in my head. My thoughts keep me awake at night.
I am completelyunsatisfied unmotivated. As far as work and health go, I just don't give a damn. I really don't. For awhile, I was doing really great. Now all the sudden..nothing. Just like that. How bizarre. For the first time in ages, I am struck absolutely speechless.
I think I've mentioned that my 10 year high school reunion is in August. I've been watching the RSVP list, and so far the people that I was really interested in seeing aren't listed. I think I may not go. Michele will be in DC, anyway. I wonder if people aren't RSVPing because they are waiting for the people they'd like to see to RSVP. The reunion was the whole reason for the diet thing. If I lost anything, I assure you it is back now. Ticks me off. It is empowering to know I can do it, though. If I would just make the decision to do so. I wonder what my breaking point will be. What the moment will be when I decide I can't be like this anymore. What I don't get is how I didn't gain 5 pounds a week before the diet. I may not be on it now, but I also don't eat like I used to. My breakfast and lunch is still according to the diet. It is the snacks and dinner and occasional eating out that has been added. Yet I gain weight. How could it be that I wasn't gaining constantly before?
I decided not to play soccer. The season ended last week without me. My heart isn't in it. My mind isn't even in it. Swear ta Gawd, things have turned on me. Again, not all in a bad way. My momentum is just crushed. This too, shall pass. And I am okay with that.
I have dealt with my grandmother's death in a way that really bothers me. I've been fine since her funeral. And I feel like an awful person for it. I saw a picture of her and my baby brother that was taken at Christmas the other day, and the lady in the picture doesn't look like I remember Granny. It seems to me that the Granny I knew has been gone a long time. And it bothers me that the Granny that is gone isn't the one I miss. Was I so out of touch the last years of her life that I didn't know her for what she was at the time? Or is it that I DID know her for what she was, and that is what I remember? I've mourned the loss of my grandmother for years. Every since she became too sick to walk. I was talking to McJenny and I told her that maybe the Granny I knew left me years ago. I can't tell you the guilt I have for not being there the last several years. I knew it. You read it. I knew it and I did it anyway. I always thought I had more time. Granny would be there when I got around to going out to visit her. So much for that. By the time I got around to visiting her, it was too late to have the conversations I wanted to have. I hate myself for not visiting her more.
I am completely
I think I've mentioned that my 10 year high school reunion is in August. I've been watching the RSVP list, and so far the people that I was really interested in seeing aren't listed. I think I may not go. Michele will be in DC, anyway. I wonder if people aren't RSVPing because they are waiting for the people they'd like to see to RSVP. The reunion was the whole reason for the diet thing. If I lost anything, I assure you it is back now. Ticks me off. It is empowering to know I can do it, though. If I would just make the decision to do so. I wonder what my breaking point will be. What the moment will be when I decide I can't be like this anymore. What I don't get is how I didn't gain 5 pounds a week before the diet. I may not be on it now, but I also don't eat like I used to. My breakfast and lunch is still according to the diet. It is the snacks and dinner and occasional eating out that has been added. Yet I gain weight. How could it be that I wasn't gaining constantly before?
I decided not to play soccer. The season ended last week without me. My heart isn't in it. My mind isn't even in it. Swear ta Gawd, things have turned on me. Again, not all in a bad way. My momentum is just crushed. This too, shall pass. And I am okay with that.
I have dealt with my grandmother's death in a way that really bothers me. I've been fine since her funeral. And I feel like an awful person for it. I saw a picture of her and my baby brother that was taken at Christmas the other day, and the lady in the picture doesn't look like I remember Granny. It seems to me that the Granny I knew has been gone a long time. And it bothers me that the Granny that is gone isn't the one I miss. Was I so out of touch the last years of her life that I didn't know her for what she was at the time? Or is it that I DID know her for what she was, and that is what I remember? I've mourned the loss of my grandmother for years. Every since she became too sick to walk. I was talking to McJenny and I told her that maybe the Granny I knew left me years ago. I can't tell you the guilt I have for not being there the last several years. I knew it. You read it. I knew it and I did it anyway. I always thought I had more time. Granny would be there when I got around to going out to visit her. So much for that. By the time I got around to visiting her, it was too late to have the conversations I wanted to have. I hate myself for not visiting her more.
Dawn, 8:54 PM
