Dawn's Digression.

My mother called me at work yesterday. My grandmother is sicker than we knew. Last week, when I went to visit her in the hospital, she had a mass removed from her abdomen, but they said it was benign. She's had a lot of problems with her kidneys, which is what alerted them to this mass, but it wasn't the mass that was effecting her kidneys. It's just her MS (Multiple Sclerosis). I say "just MS" like it's no big deal, but that's not what I mean. I mean it has to do with her MS, and nothing else that we know of at this time. A~, Mom called to tell me that her tumor is malignant. They have no idea where it is coming from. We are hoping to hear something today. It will be interesting to hear about how the doctors will plan to treat it. When we spoke with the doctor yesterday, we brought up the fact that she may not be strong enough to withstand the chemotherapy, if that is an option. She is very weak. Her MS has progressed to the point where she has not been able to walk for at least 17 years, and has recently started having a really hard time even feeding herself. We worry that should she decide to move forward with chemo, that it will leave her so exhausted, it will be unbearable for her. Of course, we don't even know chemo will be an option.
When I left her yesterday at the hospital, she told me repeatedly not to worry. She told us "They'll go in, take it out, and that will be that." She said everything will be okay. I don't think any of us believe her this time. Oh, and I didn't tell you, the doctor said that wherever the cancer is coming from, it is likely in advanced stages.

So, I'm not doing all that well. I know there is nothing I can do for her. Nothing I can do period. Being out of it doesn't help anyone. But I am so scatter-brained today. I had to do an offer letter for one of my recruiters THREE times before I got it right. I'm grumpy, I'm sad, and I just want to go home. I'm having a hard time making sense when I talk to people. I really look forward to seeing what the doctors have to say today.

Michele is being great. She asks questions, listens, and rubs my head as necessary. I just realized recently that Michele doesn't even know my grandmother. I know she has met Granny like three times, but they have never had a conversation. How can that be? It doesn't register with me. I lived with my grandmother until I was 6. Then I stayed summers and was with her before and after school. I moved in with her again for a couple years in late elementary school. I even stayed with her for a couple of months when I was 14. When I was a teenager, my friends and I used to spend the night at her house. I had slumber parties there all the time. We've always been close. So how can it be that Michele doesn't even know her? It's awful. And I suppose now is not the time for her to get to know her. Maybe I would like it, but it would just hurt Michele in the end. She'd just end up liking her, as all my friends have all my life.

Mortality sucks.

Also, I think I may have mentioned in the past that she may be going to a nursing home. This is no longer a 'maybe'. It's definite. She has been at an assisted living place for 5 years now...it's really neat because it is really just like having your own apartment. She has her own furniture in there, a kitchen sink, little fridge, and she doesn't have to share it. Now she's going to have to share a room with someone, and she can't have any of her own stuff. It's a bad idea to write about this right now. I'm getting a little upset. *sigh*