Dawn's Digression.

And....I'm Back!

2010-05-26T21:18:00.002-06:00

Or I think I might be.

It appears as though the protocol when beginning IVF is to blog. That is probably because people get sick of hearing you talk about it. I did decide that most of my friends probably don't want to hear about all this. Those that do, can come here and read or ask me questions. I already feel like I talk to much about it.

Fact is, this is going to be my life until I pee on a stick. Well, you know, my life besides Jack. He most definitely comes first.

Tonight I start my birth control pills. I'm not sure, yet, if I will be on them for 2 weeks or 4 weeks. I am actually very excited because taking the pills means this is really happening. I have already worn myself out thinking about all the shots I'm going to have to give myself. Right now, I choose not to think about it. One thing at a time. Tonight, I just swallow a pill. Easy enough. Next week, I go in for a hysteroscopy. I've already had multiple IUIs, a HSG and a mock transfer. I'm really not concerned about that. It's amazing how quickly you get over people messing around in there. :)

Been Awhile.

2009-05-01T21:18:00.002-06:00

So. Hi!

I got pregnant in April. If you're reading this, you already know my beautiful baby boy, John Alexander. He was named after our brothers. I hope I pick up blogging again. I could use the outlet, but this is it for now. He's beautiful and being a mother is harder than I ever could have known.

I'd do it again.

Bummer.

2007-03-11T20:03:00.000-06:00

Our sperm donor has decided he won't be donating to us anymore. Something about how he would be missing important times in the child's life and then something about how this is an exciting time in his life. Something like that. Tracy is a million times more upset than I am. It takes a lot for someone's behavior to shock me. This didn't do it. I'm annoyed, though. Here I am about 10 days before ovulation and having to get set up with a sperm bank so that I don't miss a cycle because he "changed his mind".

I'm trying to be upbeat. For the most part, I'll say my attitude is good. For the most part. ;) There are some advantages of a sperm bank over a known donor. One of the disadvantages is, of course, cost. Genetic material. All of that.

I thought I had something to say, but I guess I don't.

Here's to hoping the bank can process our info at the speed of light and to a good try in March.

Yay For March!

2007-03-07T20:41:00.000-06:00

Well, February was not our month. So, I made a list of things to do until I am knocked up or things to be grateful for:

Drink wine. I want to try a new wine every week.
Use the hot tub.
Eat badly.
Scoop the cat box. (Um. Maybe that is something I shouldn't look forward to. I'm sure Tracy will appreciate it, though.)
Be selfishly self-centered.
I can use this time to lose a pound or two.
One more month of symptom-free classes
One more month of quiet time with Tracy. We're only a year into this relationship, so now we have at least one more month to enjoy the honeymoon.
Take Xanax.
Take Aleve
Get my abs in better shape. I think the reason why my back has been hurting is because my abs are so weak. This is not good. I would like to have my core in better condition before being pregnant.

I love Spring Break. I wish every week was Spring Break. ;) I feel so much more relaxed. This is pretty silly since it is only two nights of class, but it makes a difference. I can't say I've done much that was useful this week. Drank some wine. Watched some TV. Did some laundry. Went to the gym.

I've been to the gym 3 times this week. This sounds good, but twice was today. The first time I went today was to meet with a trainer. The second time I went for pilates class, but it had been moved to Tuesday. :( I was sad. So I did 20 mins of cardio and then I went next door and got my nails and eyebrows done. Why not? It's only about me a little bit longer. I might as well enjoy these little things.

Oh! I went to the acupuncturist this morning. She poked me for anxiety. I didn't feel the needles, but I could feel burning around where she put them in. Groovy. I have an appointment with the chiropractor on Saturday. The doctor told me that something in my spine effects some nerves or something somewhere and she can do something and make me more fertile. I pretty much think "whatever". My insurance pays for it. I increased my insurance coverage for this year to cover a MiniMe, so I might as well use it, yes? Sure. Why not. I've never been to the chiropractor.

Suzy came over for lunch yesterday, and I had the best time ever. I hadn't seen her since...November, I think. This is a damn shame because I love hanging out with Suzy. She is easy to be with and fun. She positive, funny and smart....all things I enjoy being around. Quite a change from that dinner I went to a couple of weeks ago. :)

So, I'm doing good. We were bummed about the baby thing, but didn't cry or anything. Just said, "Well, here we go again!" We're working on attracting the baby to us. He/she will come when it is time. I just hope the time is soon! Relatively soon.

Pilates Hurts

2007-03-01T09:20:00.000-06:00

I went to dinner with friends the other day. It felt like 3 hours of hanging out with Debbie Downer from SNL. Lord have mercy. I tell you what, the world sure is a miserable place when you set it up that way. Apparently, the entire world is against this couple. Good things come to others, but not to them. I think they need to watch The Secret. (Not that I have, but I have it and intend to. haha) You attract what you exude. I've been having mood issues. I've been listless. Which is part of the reason why we were out with them. I've been really bored and needing human interaction. Hanging out with them did not help my mood all that much.

This reminds me. I haven't been writing down 3 things I'm grateful for each day. I even have a journal just for that. Yikes. This journal says to come up with 5. I have to up my daily dose of gratefulness! ;)

I joined a health club last week. I am sadly, sadly out of shape. I've gained back every ounce of weight I've ever lost and I feel grody. When I was there Tuesday night, a Pilates class was starting, so I thought "What the heck?" and joined in. Oh, my. What a pitiful display of flexibility and strength. I have zero of either. I was shaking and kept having to sit out parts of the exercise. I just couldn't do it. It must be exactly what I need, though, because my entire midsection is sore. I hurts to laugh or cough. This may explain why my back has been hurting. My abs are just too weak. Boo hiss. But. I intend to go back every Tuesday for as long as I can. Tomorrow is yoga, and I haven't decided if I feel brave enough for that. I suppose I should probably go.

I have my second and last midterm tonight. I do not feel good about it at all. If I'm pregnant before school starts in summer, I'm not going to go. I have zero motivation and as soon as I see that positive, I know that my mind will be anywhere except school. It already is. I may elect to not take classes in summer even if I have conceived. I only have a few classes left, so I don't worry about me not finishing. I've worked too hard for too long at this point. But maybe I need a break. I haven't had a semester off in a couple of years. Besides, I need to enjoy what is left of quiet time with Tracy.

I've been extraordinarily cranky the last week or so. I haven't been this cranky in literally months. I'm acting on the assumption that my hormones are just out of whack and have been keeping it in check. I'm not really irritable to outsiders, but poor Tracy has been irritating the crap out of me. She isn't doing anything differently or acting differently. Every little thing just makes my head want to explode. Very annoying. I'm making myself crazy. This too shall pass, though! I'm not concerned. Just irritated. haha

An Ounce of Gratitude

2007-02-21T21:31:00.000-06:00

Over the last couple of months I've fallen away from my Debbie Ford a little bit. I am working my way back there. Not as quickly as I should, but I will get there.

I was just watching Oprah and she was talking about how when you are truly happy for others, their successes become yours, too. You vibrate at a higher level when you focus on positives instead of negatives. I see how this is true. I've spent a long time being jealous about what other people have. So and so has money. So and so is skinny. So and so has the perfect yadda yadda. God, how defeating! A subtle change in my attitude has made a huge difference.

Example. I saw a high school friend last weekend. I was always jealous of her. Thin, pretty, smart, popular....And I expected the same feelings when I went to see her after 13 years. But there was none of that. I watched her perform in her band. She was smiling at her husband and looked like she was having the best time. She looks happy! I caught myself smiling. I realized that instead of jealousy, I felt an enormous amount of peace to see that she had grown up happy. She's still thin, pretty, smart and bet you a case of Diet Coke she is more financially well off than I am. She also has a Master's Degree. And I think, "Good for you". I am honestly thrilled for her. I'm also thrilled for me. Her life is different from mine. Not better! I am grateful for my blessings. And I am grateful for the hard times that got me to the place I am right now. Right here on our bed in the house of the most amazing woman I have ever met in my life. And not only do I think she's amazing, I think she thinks I'm pretty great, too.

I hope I reme mber this. :) If there are times when I don't, I will come back and read this because it is all true. I also need to remember to enjoy other's successes and happiness. It really does make a difference.

The Return of the Digressions?

2007-02-12T21:37:00.000-06:00

I've had the blog on 'lock down' for about a week. I did this because I thought I was going to blog about some things that I'm not ready to share with the world at large. It's in my nature to share, and not being able to write or talk about what is on my mind feels like strangulation. So, I changed my mind. I'm going to share and hope I don't regret it later on. :)

Things are good. Really good. We got new carpet. The animals are good. The house is good. The family is good. Work is good (well, as good as work can be!). The relationship is great. I have to remind myself sometimes that things can be good and I don't have to wait for something to go wrong. Maybe it never will! Who knows.

I quit taking one of my medications back in November because Tracy and I have decided to start a family and Trileptal is not a drug you can take while pregnant. I've noticed some subtle differences, but nothing to be concerned about. I'm a tad more moody, and I've had some mini bouts of mild depression. The moments of hopelessness have been few and far between and I am very thankful for that. I've just been coping with the moods as they come and remembering that it is only a mood and will pass. As of right now, I would say I will not go back on the Trileptal unless my symptoms get much worse in the future. I think I'm handling it fine without the chemicals.

I'm trying not to get too worked up about trying to conceive. My cycle sent me for an ugly loop this month and it is looking as though I won't be ovulating this cycle. There goes one month of trying. Because of my odd cycle this month, I'm wondering if last month was an anovulatory month as well. This throws a little wrench in the plans, but certainly nothing to get worked up about, yet. I'll just keep peeing on sticks and hoping for that second line that says I'm about to ovulate to appear. I suppose the longer it takes to conceive, the further I will be along in my schooling.

Last week, Tracy told one of her friends about us TTC and her friend told us that they had been trying as well, but are on a break right now due to the massive expenses involved. It was really nice to be able to talk to someone who knew exactly what I was talking about.

I'm very grateful that Tracy has wonderful friends. Between the two of us we have a great support structure, which is amazing. Sometimes you find friends in places that you never thought you would and sometimes you lose friends that you didn't think you would. Rachel has decided that she no longer wants to be my friend. I don't recall all her reasons, but in a nutshell her reason is that I'm a mean negative bitch. Tracy and I talked about this. I read her the email Rach sent and asked her if she perceived me to be the things Rachel said. Tracy said that she doesn't see that in me, but maybe that is who I am around Rachel. Rachel does bring out a few things in me. None of this is her fault, it is just leftovers from the dynamics of our past relationship. Based on the things she said to me, I don't like who I am when I am with her. And I don't want to be that person. Rachel did what she needed to do, and I don't fault her for it at all. I think things could have been handled differently, but hindsight is always 20/20. A very sad result of this 'parting of ways' is the impact it has had on my relationship with Suzy. Or I should say the relationship I had with Suzy. I love Suzy to death and hate that we are barely able to speak anymore because of Rachel. That totally sucks.

A really good friend at work found out she was pregnant about two week ago. I've had a ton of fun talking to her about her pregnancy and sharing the info I have with her. We laugh all the time at the things I have to tell her about being pregnant and getting pregnant. In her case, the pregnancy was a surprise, and she has no idea how the whole conception thing works. So what does she do? She asks me. The lesbian who is not and has never been pregnant. Just way too funny.

I Gots A New Name

2007-02-12T21:30:00.000-06:00

I went ahead and posted that post because I've lost one too many long posts in the last few years and I am not interested in re-typing. Nope.

I changed my last name to Tracy's! I have finally gotten rid of that stinky surname that I have no connection to or affection for. So, when the time comes that it is decided I'm going to be a momma, we will all have the same last name. Ain't that cute? The fact that I've changed my name seems to have confused a lot of people. I guess people don't realize that you can change your name to anything you want to. I could have changed my name to ShaNaeNae, and that would have been perfectly fine and legal. One person asked me if this meant we were getting married. One person wanted to know if she had to go to court with me since I took her name. Somebody couldn't understand how we could have the same last name and not be married. Um. Two different legal processes, people. And it ain't legal for lesbians to marry in Texas. When I've told people that we do not have wedding plans, they seem somewhat taken aback. I would marry Tracy in a heartbeat and would probably cry like a little girl. However, I don't feel like I have anything to prove. I love Tracy with all my heart and I will rub her head every night until one of us passes (and God, I hope I go first).

I'm a completely different person since I've been with Tracy. Not as negative. I've learned to look for the blessings in things that really aren't all that great. I'm finding the ever-elusive silver lining and I'm diggin it.

I'm not going to lie and say I'm not disappointed about my cycle this month. My little heart is all broken. My due date would have been my Granny's birthday. There is still hope, I'm gonna keep on peeing on sticks until Tracy sends me to a twelve step program for pee sticks.

Oh! Remember my friend from Sprint? McJenny? Her twins are due in July!!!
How exciting.

I apologize to anyone who reads this and wishes I had told them in person. It's not like I'm announcing a pregnancy or anything....just that one may be coming soon. There was one gal that I was worried about sharing the information with, but she made it easy for me.

Debbie

2006-12-07T21:52:00.000-06:00

I did an odd thing last month.

I went to a Debbie Ford seminar. Completely outside my realm of the possible and essential. I learned some stuff, though, and I'd love to go again. My mom went with me which was both amazing and odd. They suggested we work together for a few exercises, and I was completely uncomfortable. For one exercise, I was so uncomfortable I cried and thought about telling the assistants I couldn't do it. I did it. I didn't want to. I don't guess it turned out so bad.

I haven't been practicing my DF, lately. A million excuses, which is all they are. I found additional strength while I was at the seminar to use my voice, but have since lost it. I'm too afraid of others' approval, which is f'ing ridiculous if I may say so. And even if I mayn't. (hehe. that a word?) I felt incredibly motivated and like I had found my 'gift'. Notsomuch. How is it that I get so beaten down? So stupid. Argh. Oy. All that.

Looks like Tracy will be coming to bed soon, so I'm gonna have to go. It's just too weird blogging with someone sitting next to you.

I had a dream about a high school reunion the other day. A few of my old friends and acquaintances were there. Stephanie, Madison, Melissa, Julie. Had a freakin' weird dream about Julie now that I think about it. She was playing her flute, and I was trying to watch her do runs, but she wouldn't let me or something. Odd.

Uh oh. Here she is. I'm a pumpkin!

Poopy Post

2006-12-07T21:34:00.000-06:00

Well, Hi.

It's been so long since I posted, I figure I've lost most of my audience. I don't mind. I imagine Melody and Madison might check here at some point, but I'm cool with that.

I had a dream about Michele last night. She wasn't really dead, she had just been 'away' or whatever. I was talking to her and I asked her, "So, what are you doing? I mean, how are you doing anything? They took all your stuff! You don't have anything anymore." I can't remember her reply, but the dream was disturbing enough for me to blog about it. In the dream, I went to spend some time with her (It seems like it was early morning, like about 4am) and Tracy got really mad at me. Threatened or something. My grief over Michele dying has never been about "but we could have been....". *thinking*

*thinking*

I think about what we could have had if things had been different years ago, but there was no turning back in the last couple of years. She lost all the trust I had.

My grief is about, "what a tragedy". I thought about her parents a lot on Thanksgiving. How did they spend their first holiday without her? Then I remembered how she felt so betrayed by them and I get mad. But they did the best they could, just like I did. I miss her sometimes. I've found recently that the memories I have aren't always of the really bad times. Sometimes they are of the sweet, romantic things she did for me that we all know I am such a fan of.

Michele made me who I am, and I will always owe her that. She made me the mean callous bitch. The mean callous bitch that understands and knows what there is to be grateful in for in life. The one that sees there is an upside. I know how to be grateful for all the intricacies that make Tracy Tracy. It's the tiny things I see, now.

A couple of months ago, Tracy and I had to drop my car off for an oil change. It took awhile for me to check in and be ready to go for breakfast. When I got back in the car, I apologized and Tracy looked at me like I was a mental case. You see, something like this would have started a fight with Michele.

I've learned a lot about myself and what it means to be me. I absolutely abhor that I left Michele, but this tells me I have some strength about me and I can say "enough is enough".

Not too long ago, someone insinuated that I thought I was over her dying. Ha. I didn't bother to correct that person, but I was insulted. Like how stupid does he/she think I am? The death of someone I loved and MARRIED and I think I'm over it in 3 months? Seriously? That is the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard. I was genuinely offended by that. If there is someone reading this who has been in these shoes, or even a relative of these shoes, give me a shout, because that is horse shit. Leaving her or not, I had implied responsibilities and I'm going to assert that unless you've had the experience you don't have a damn idea how it feels.

I think this is something I'll be dealing with for a long time. I also think "So what?" It is freaking expected, and it is okay. It is a trauma, as many life events are.

Long Time No Blog

2006-10-10T10:16:00.000-06:00

Melody says I need to post because she gets angry everytime she sees that last one. So, I guess I'll post.

I got a hair cut. It's okay. I don't hate it. Mom says it makes me look younger. I don't need any help with that, but I'm not complaining. The one thing I'd like you to notice about this picture is that you can see my eyes. Woo hoo!

Tracy and I had a party on Sunday. Good Lord. First off, I need to give some major props to my woman. Tracy has been cleaning her tail off and the house looks marvelous. We're going to try our hardest to see how close we can keep it to this. We shall see. Anyway, Tracy counted 44 people that showed up. The first couple of hours of the party were NO FUN. None. It would have helped if we had all the food ready, but we didn't. This is largly my fault for not thinking ahead to how much work that part would be. Lesson learned. Either A) make people bring stuff or B) do not offer food. I'll buy some chips and a veggie tray and throw it out. There ya go. But this whole sandwich thing beat my ass down. I'm sad because I really didn't get to talk to my friends that were here. That sucks! The party got better, though, once I had the food out. I was finally able to have a glass of wine sometime around half time of the Cowboys game. So, I think the party went well. I think.

Tracy is amazing. She's great. I can't figure out what I've done to deserve her, but I am thankful. I am very happy living with her. The first couple of weeks were quite difficult for me. Not because of her, but because I was adjusting. Still am, but I'm starting to get an idea of how she likes to do things. We're still feeling each other out on some of those ordinary household things. We're also learning what we mean when we say something. Like if one of us is being smart ass or is actually serious. Just one of those things in young relationships. I just can't figure out why she hasn't been permanently snatched up, yet. Again, I'm thankful, but confused. Perhaps her head will start to spin in a couple of months... I don't know. She's the best, though. This is a picture of us at a Rangers game a few weeks ago. I actually went to 3 Rangers games this year. Add my hockey games to that, and this is my sportiest year EVER. EVER. haha

This reminds me. I am grounded from hockey. Live hockey, anyway. I kinda spent too much money on tix last season and Tracy has asked if we can not do that this season to save money. I'm down with that. I shall miss my hockey, though. It just isn't the same on TV. Not even half as entertaining. In an effort to get myself more excited, I've started playing fantasy hockey. This is mostly stupid because I don't have a clue what I'm doing. I just thought it might be a groovy thing to check out. As of last night my team is in place 11 out of 12, so I'm excited. Anything that isn't last place is a freaking miracle. haha I'm also playing Fantasy Survivor. My tribe has been coming in dead last. I'm hoping I made up some ground last week. I hope.

Let's see.... what else. Um. School. School is okay. Not doing real well in my Stress Management class, which I think is a total hoot. Okay, there is a lot of pitiful in there, too, but still. Who makes a bad grade in Stress Management? haha Oy. Health Psychology is going well. So far I have an A+. It's been awhile since I had one of those, so I'm feeling pretty spiffy about it.

This is a picture of our cat Bernie. He's hilarious. He talks and has a huge attitude, but is the sweetest thing you'll ever meet. He was a huge hit at the party.

I'm Gonna Smack Somebody.

2006-09-26T09:54:00.000-06:00

The fact that Melissa called me out during Michele's funeral service is still really eating at me. I think about it too much. I lived with Michele and her alcoholism for a long time. I put up with things I'm sure Melissa doesn't have a clue about. I tried harder than I have ever tried in a relationship and it was all one-sided. I think it is crap for Melissa to come into Michele's life for freaking 8 months and find fault with me for leaving.

I was ignored, screamed at and taken advantage of. Michele tried to kick me out of my home almost every other weekend. I used to feel sick when I was driving home because I never knew what would be waiting for me. Michele might be watching Cops while making dinner and doing laundry, or she might be in the bedroom stewing. Sometimes I would sit in my car when I got home trying to work up the courage to go in. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of. I started hiding alcohol myself. I kept it in the bathroom linen closet and would go in there and drink on the nights when she was drunk. I kept bottles of wine under my bed and in my closet. Sometimes, I would even drink on my home from work so that when I got home, I wouldn't care so much if Michele was mean.

I've been called fat and lazy. I've been told over and over how I'm not good enough. How I don't measure up. My accomplishments weren't anything to her because she had done better things in her life. Oh, and let's not forget how I'm self-centered because I don't volunteer within the community. Michele and I exchanged words that I can't believe came out of our mouths. Who the hell does this Melissa think she is? Who gave her authority to judge? And better yet, why would she think it is okay to fault me in front of the entire church?

I did the best I could. As usual, my best wasn't quite good enough. I guess maybe it seems like it was easy to leave. So easy I did it twice. I gave that woman another chance. And another chance and another chance. Anyone that knows me knows I struggled with that. And we know from the last posting that I still struggle with it. Leaving Michele made me question what I thought I knew about myself. It also told me that I think I deserve good things. I deserve to be loved and treated well. Now I know that I have a backbone and don't have to take shit from anyone.

Dammit.

Lost Beans.

2006-09-19T21:26:00.000-06:00

I seem to have lost my beans. If you see them running around town, please capture them and bring my beans home.

These last few weeks have been harrowing. My coping style seems to be "Survival Only". Which, I know is better than the alternative. My mind is just so freaking busy and I can't keep up with it.

Michele's death has made me ask the some old questions again. You know the one.... am I a shithead for leaving her? If I still lived with her, it would have been me who found her and me taking care of her bills and stuff. What kind of shitty ass wife do I make? I couldn't wait out that last 8 months, hunh? Why not? I had already sat through some pretty nasty times. What would 8 more months had been? My comfort with that is that Melissa apparently had some gifts to share that I wouldn't be able to help Michele with. I'm glad she had that the last few months of her life. I'm glad she found her spiritual place in life. Can a death be considered a miracle? *nods* Sometimes. Michele wasn't going to get better. I'm not sure she had the funds to be able to deal with the medical problems coming her way.

Here's my deal. How can you marry someone and promise to share your life with them when you know you aren't well. Thank God we made up a little right before she left for OK. There's an "I love you" that I will regret not saying for a long time.
So, if I'm a shitty wife, what the heck am I doing here with Tracy? Will I leave her, too, when stuff gets hard? I don't believe in that. Sometimes, though, what you believe in and what you do are two different things. Is half-ass all I have to offer anyone? That can't be right.

Sometimes I think I'm okay and I understand that life goes on. It should. Other times, like tonight in class, I feel anxiety. I find I want to run home to bed and crawl under the covers and go mimi. Wish that was an option. Right now I just need a cushy bed or couch to lay on where I can see the rocky mountains in the distance. Little birdies chirping.

Ouch. My Head.

2006-09-13T08:05:00.000-06:00

Reasons I feel like crap today:

I am hung over. I haven't been drinking as much the last couple of weeks, and last night I was having a bad Michele night and drank too much.
I moved in with Tracy last weekend, and the stress is trying to kill me. I have so much to do and just don't have the time to do it in. I have a LOT of stuff to do next week, and I am not at all happy about that.
My work computer is having serious issues. I can't use it to check my work email, which is a huge problem. I'm using Outlook Web, and it sucks.
I'm having my depression symptoms. I could give a shit about anything. Well, I guess that isn't true. I just don't have any motivation. The thing up there about having a lot to do? Well, I'm not exactly making a lot of progress. All I want to do is sleep, and I'm not going to get away with it since I cohabitate.

The move went pretty well, I think. Tracy has been working her tail end off to make space for me. Poor thing. She hasn't complained about anything yet, but MAN. I'd hate to hear her internal dialogue. haha My internal dialogue isn't that great, either. I'm not used to having someone around. I feel so watched. And managed. I didn't think about it, but even when I was with Michele, she was often in her own world. This shall be fine. Adjustment period. I bet Tracy feels a bit watched as well. Living with someone is hard.....I forgot about that! Like she expects things to be done at certain times. (Not that she said this.) I'm used to doing things when I'm damn well ready. Good thing I love the freaking hell out of her.

Tracy is the best listener EVER. The other day, I was feeling really anxious. And I told her. She didn't holler at me. She told me to keep talking. None of that crap about how her life is so much harder than mine. Or that I needed to get the hell over it. Really cool. I felt all better after I talked to her about it. Who knew?

Michele

2006-08-30T22:45:00.000-06:00

I don't know where to start, so I'll try the beginning. Sunday night before last, Patti and Helen called my cell phone asking for Michele's parent's phone number. Not good. Apparently, Michele's drinking problem had become even worse than usual.

Hmmm. The long version isn't going to happen. You're going to get the tiny-broken-into-odd-fragments version, because that is what my attention span says you get. So there.

Michele's parents came to get her and take her to rehab. I took the animals. P&H were going to take care of the house. Michele passed away her first night in Oklahoma with her parents.

So Bored

2006-08-17T22:35:00.000-06:00

Oy.

I am so bored. I am watching a completely rancid movie that is getting ONE star from me, but for some reason, I am refusing to turn it off. *shiver* I have been bored for a few days, now. Even when I'm working, I'm bored. Nothing amuses me or entertains me.

I guess I'm ready to go back to school. I guess. I am so bored, I don't even have anything to blog about. UM.

Tampons were invented in 1929, but not sold until 1936. Why the 7 year wait? Seems like an awful long seven years to me.

Um.

Frank is now 6 pounds, 6 ounces! He's HUGE! He went in for snip snip the other day and it didn't seem to phase him in the least. He was groggy for a couple of hours and then started running around like a madman. Crazy dog.

Work has been better this week. I've been working late quite a bit, and it is paying off. Tonight was 6:30. I think I worked until 7 on Monday and Tuesday. Something like that. Wow, how interesting.

I think I'll go to bed. Early night!

Yadda Yadda Yadda

2006-08-14T22:35:00.000-06:00

A good friend of mine called me mature today. This is kinda bizarre since I'm not exactly well-known for a high emotional IQ. I thought this was nice, though. Her saying that made me feel really good. (Actually, I just had a thought. She said I was 'being' mature about something, not that I am mature. I'll just take the compliment and run with it. Sounds good.) Another friend mentioned the other day that I had really surprised her recently with the way I've been handling things.

This acknowledgement has gone a long way with me. I am one of those people who need praise. I hate this trait, but I've learned to deal with it. It isn't going to change. Anyway, I've been trying so hard, very hard and I been charting new territory in terms of understanding and patience. Maybe it is an age thing. Maybe it is as simple as the fact that I am in love and will do what I have to do in order to make it work. A little patience now is going to pay off for what I hope is the rest of my life. I try to remind myself what it might be like to walk in another's shoes. Those shoes are not any more comfortable than mine. Different shoes, different suckies.

I am sure I am completely beating you down with it, but I continue to be blown away by my relationship. Completely blown away. (Besides, I'll need this documentation when I'm ready to "rip off her face with my fingernails".) Things slide into place so easily. Rationally, I realize that we're in the honeymoon period, but this is a damn good honeymoon period and if this is any indication of what I get to deal with in the future, I will take it! And run and run and run. Real fast. Or, you know, fast for me, which means walking briskly. As cheesy as it sounds, I feel like Tracy was put here on the planet just for me. :) Isn't that the most selfish and stupid thing you've ever heard? haha My woman is going to be well taken care of. (When I'm sane.) Well, in terms of being loved and physically taken care of. She's kinda on her own with the money thing for now. How come I never win any of those random "Win $50,000!" contests? I am lucky, though, because this obviously doesn't mean enough to her to make her run off screaming. I am hoping that she will help keep me grounded with my finances. This shouldn't be a problem since she enjoys directing others. :)

I may want to hope she isn't reading my blog, hunh? hahaha *shrug* I don't worry about that much.

So....

Frank is going for snip snip tomorrow. My baby. waaaah! I hope I don't cry. That would mortify me. My poor little man.

Oh! Day three of the prozac. I realized a few things.

-This is a bad, bad time. Tracy is busy dealing with her own stuff and can't be there for me now. OR rather, I'd be a bitch to ask for it, and I don't wanna be a bitch!
-Yes, I can do this alone. But why should I? I have a girlfriend. Her job is to deal with my mental angst. It comes with the package. So, why am I sitting over here by myself being a nutjob when I could at least enjoy the benefits of someone being there to keep the drinks coming?
-I would rather be bald than deal with being a nutbar. I think. Well, today, anyway.
-My brain likes Prozac.

So there ya go. You never did get any of the interesting blogs I teased with, hunh?

My apartment complex has smart frogs. They are out very very often at night. When Frank and I go for our nightly walk, they will see us there and be very very still. Even when Frank gets close, they don't move. I'd like to think the frogs are smart enough to know that if they move, Frank will see them and decide they are yummy.

There are skunks in Corinth.

I am thirsty and out of cold water.

August has a MILLION birthdays. I am currently on birthday present strike. I told Suzy the other day not to get me anything, because I am not going to get her anything. (Her bday is the 29th, Rachel Sept 2)

Oddly enough, I haven't felt like drinking in days. Saturday night, we went out to eat and then to the bars. I had a Diet Coke and rum. It was nasty. Then I had a vodka sprite. Grody. I did have a margarita at El Fenix on Sunday afternoon, and I would like to take this opportunity to say it was the best margarita I've had in a long time. Seems like I've only had nasty ones lately. Sunday night we went to a ballgame, and what I really wanted was Diet Coke. So, this is what I had.

I'm kinda excited about my birthday this year. But for the lamest reason ever, I think. I don't give a crap about presents. Don't care all that much about dinner. It's Labor Day weekend, so folks are always out of town....this is all fine. Cuz you know what I wanna do? Hang out in Corinth for the weekend and watch TV. hahahaha I'll probably request my usual cake. My parents will probably take us to dinner. *shrug* Low key ROCKS.

We're having some kind of football party in October. Does this mean I'll have to provide snacks for a bunch of people and clean up after them? *sigh* Please, please tell me 3 weeks will be long enough for me to get unpacked and settled in. I cannot have people in my home otherwise. Not good. OMG, that just really freaked me out. You've got to be kidding. 3 weeks. People in house. My stomach hurts. Well, more than it did 5 mins ago, anyway.

I'm An Inconsiderate Dumbass

2006-08-12T14:10:00.000-06:00

Who needs/wants to vent.

I did the stupidest fucking thing. I signed up for one of those Alb3rts0n's cards. Not so stupid. I put my address as the Corinth address. The ex has not moved and I got mail at the new addy. DAMMIT.

Now I'm terrified regarding what other cards I changed. I know I was in a mood that day. Good God. I have no idea what I changed. I guess I could go through all the websites and see what I did.

Inconsiderate, inconsiderate, inconsiderate.

I'm also pissed as a weasel in a blender. I am so tired of watching my step and biting my tongue. Exhausted. Doesn't change the fact that

I'm an inconsiderate asshole

but. OY!

I'm wondering if I didn't screw up here. Like maybe I shouldn't be moving in, yet. Is Tracy ready for this? I don't know that I can say she is. This is a really happy time for me, and I'm not sure I want to share it with massive loads of sadness. You know? I'm just mad at myself right now and frustrated. It will pass.

Stupid Cheap Day

2006-08-09T22:48:00.000-06:00

I had a little bit of an icky day.

First of all, I didn't go to bed until almost 4:30 am last night/this morning. Getting up for work was not quite a joy. I was good until, say, 2pm. Then I wigged out because I haven't seen a human since SATURDAY. As lovely as this is, I was SO lonely today. I called around yesterday looking for a lunch companion and found no one. I totally freaked today, though. I ended up crying and calling Rachel. When I get a case of the 'crazies', I pretty much always call Rachel. She is my "go to" on this. She kills me. We talk for about 4 minutes and she asks, "Um, are you taking your meds?" haha I guess I hadn't told her I quit the prozac. Then she wanted to know what exactly it was I was thinking when making this decision.

So, anyway. Rough day. I wanted to blog about it earlier, but I suddenly have no desire. Alls well that ends well, and my day ended with a nice conversation with My Tracy.

So there you have it.

2006-08-08T00:21:00.000-06:00

I want chicken fried rice.

Now.

I've been hungry all day every day for two weeks. *pout*

Good Day

2006-08-07T20:18:00.000-06:00

I had a great night! Talk about productive! It was crazy. I went through all my clothes and threw out stuff I didn't need. I didn't throw out half as much as I wanted to, but I did it! I finished organizing my music and put all my books in one place.

Yesterday, I organized my office a little. I shredded a couple of years worth of bank statements or organized random bits of paper I had all over the place. Mementos actually went into the memento box. Greeting cards went in the greeting card shoebox. I separated music and computer CDs and separated my books into fiction, non-fiction and self-help. I packed biographies with fiction. Because they fit there. Plus, I'm a rebel.

I went through years and years of photos. I drug through every drawer in this apartment...Every hanging file folder to find my photos.... I finally have every photo I own in one of two boxes or one of my many albums.

It feels like a million bucks to have a cleaner place. I even cleared off the bookcase next to my bed that has been bugging the crap out of me since I put it there. I originally put it there for my stereo so I could play a little mood music when my woman came over. *waggles eyebrows* Ahhh.....Memories. ha.

I might have gone a little nuts with the vacuum cleaner tonight. I vacuumed the window sill. The TV. The lamp shade. I wanted to vacuum Frank, but he just wasn't into it. I'd like to vacuum the cats. I hate their hair. They need to do something about that.

We had rain today and I was terribly inspired! Frank and I ran around and opened all the windows and moved the couch. Then I realized it was only 4:15 and I should be working. I did go back to work before I became involved in the organization marathon.

Speaking of organization...I think I learned an important lesson the other day. Don't ask Tracy if we need/want something. The answer will be yes. The trick, I think, is to just throw everything I own away before I get there. I think I'm getting there. ha.

So, get this. I talked to Michele today and it was a decent conversation! I've actually been missing her the last month or so and have wanted to call her, but the last few conversations with her were on the hard side, so I've been afraid to go there. It was nice to hear her talk. I can tell she is doing well, and this is sooo fabulous. I am hoping life for her is now the opposite of what it was.

So, I had a good day. This is a tad different from my recent days. I've been angry, ambivalent and moody. I haven't given a good damn about anything. I've felt very self-centered. I'm actually not sorry about that one. I am the only one who knows what I need and as we know I know.... I'm the only one that can give me that. I do this every now and then. I get fed up with people and I get all "F YOU!". *shrug* Ain't no thang. Everyone is used to it.

Dammit!

2006-07-30T22:41:00.000-06:00

"Dammit! This grim parade of sorrow called life!"
Stephen Colbert just said this and for some reason it cracked me up. Yes, I am easily amused.

Tracy's surprise birthday party was Saturday. It was an awesome party. The pictures I took when she walked in the door did not come out well at all, so I'll post one when I get it from her dad. Seventy-nine people showed up. That's a bunch of people! I even had family representation. Mom, Dad, Laura and Jerry went and got to meet all of Tracy's family. As far asI can tell, it was a complete love fest. I am not surprised at all. We have fabulous families, so there you have it.

I've been meaning to blog for a long time. I open this dialogue box almost every day, but when it comes down to it, I don't end up typing anything. I'm counting the days until I move in with Tracy. I believe it is now 50 days or less. At least, I have to be out of this apartment in 50 days. Actually, I believe that is 7 weeks from today. Mom asked me a couple of weeks ago if moving in with Tracy is what I really want. I didn't even think about it. I didn't and don't need to. I have never been more sure of anything. It is amazing how well things fall into place when they are meant to be. Everything is easy.

Week one off Prozac! Not dead, yet! Haven't wanted to kill anyone! haha I have been scrubbing the shower/tub when I shower, though. heh

Frank is a gassy dog. Just thought I'd share.

Denzil

2006-07-25T22:09:00.000-06:00

My grandfather's name is Denzil. Who picks up their newborn baby and decides to name him Denzil? I was just thinking about this because my dog's name is Frank. Who names their dog Frank? What's up with that?

I'm going off my Prozac for awhile. The hair falling out thing is really getting to me. Sometimes when I vacuum, I have to turn the vacuum over and CUT my hair off the beater bar (kudos to Melody for knowing the name of that pieces part) because it is smoking. I'm kinda freaked about it. I'm not sure how this will work out, but I'm thinking there might be some really dramatic blogs in the near future! Tracy is pretty busy the next couple of weeks, so she probably won't be around as much to deal with the backlash. I figure it is better to do this before I move in and while I'm not in school so I can freak out alone and in peace if I need to.

Skinny Men

2006-07-25T20:55:00.000-06:00

"I like skinny men. Skinny men who smoke weed, so when he get the munchies, we on the same damn page. That's what I'm talkin' about. You get a nickel bag and I'll get a 5-piece and we're a couple made in heaven!" ~Roz on Last Comic Standing.

Life Phase #327

2006-07-18T20:45:00.000-06:00

It feels like I have been through a bazillion life phases; it is a constant state of change. This time last year, I was starting a new job and living with my wife. Now, I'm preparing to move out of my apartment and in with my girlfriend. Certainly not something I would have seen coming a year ago. Change is good. Indeed, change has been a friend to me. I'd hate to think where I would be if I hadn't allowed myself to make changes when they needed to be made. But at the same time, change is stressful and exhausting. One of my friends said to me the other day, "When I know where I'm supposed to be, I just like to hurry up and get there." Me, too. Now that I know where I'm going, I'm ready to be there. I'm trying to ensure that I'm not treating every day until I get there as marking time. I seem to function pretty well amidst change. Sure, I get all anxiety-ridden, but there is nothing new about that...I'm a little ball of anxiety, to be sure. I'm not sure if it is faith, love or stupidity, but I am not all that concerned with the change moving in with Tracy will bring. I am constantly shocked when I realize that I seem to be in an adult relationship. I can bring things to the table without having to worry about a fight. Part of that is that I've learned to keep my damn mouth shut until I've thought things through. You wouldn't believe how hard I've worked on that one. I have to physically bite my tongue sometimes. But, whatever works, works. And it is working.

Frank is amazing. I am so proud of my little man. He is doing really well with his potty training, in my opinion. He didn't have a single accident today and went out of his way to find the puppy pad in my office he wanted to use. I think it might be time to start decreasing the number of pads I use. Dare I? :) He is now running up the stairs to my apartment. When I brought him home, he couldn't even make it up the first one. I had to pick him up anytime there was a step. He makes the cutest little running leaps. And I love to watch him problem solve. I watch him figure out ways to make things work the way he wants them to and I'm just so damn proud. Did I already say that? I might have. He's also gained some serious weight. I wouldn't doubt that the chubby little guy is 4 pounds now. Cousin Jack stayed with us while his mommies were in Mexico. Frank enjoyed having someone to play with, but the selfish Momma that I am, I'm glad to have some of his attention back. I missed my baby!

I was sick for a week. It sucked. It was pretty much the entire time Jack was here. I'm sure Frank would have driven me nuts if Jack hadn't been here, but I was incredibly frustrated. I actually cried one day because Jack kept peeing on the carpet, I didn't feel good, Peanut threw up ON the bed and on my clean laundry and I needed to be working, yet felt like sleeping. I was sooo stressed and beat down. Tracy came and got me and the boys on Friday and took us out to Corinth so she could watch everyone and I could get some rest. Can I just say that 5 dogs are WAY too many? WAY. Tracy and I will have 3, which is still over my dog limit, but I'm certainly not complaining. The 3 cats may kill us, though. Cats are so particular. Tracy's cat has the biggest attitude I think I have ever seen on a cat. Bernie is about 8, I think, and is a giant fur ball of entitlement. That is Bernie's house, DAMMIT. He smacks up all the dogs. And me. Bernie and I are going to butt heads. But in a loving way. While Bernie and I are butting heads, Peanut will be peeing on something and Boobies will be hiding under a bed, no doubt. At least the birds are low maintenance.

We went to see Melissa Etheridge in concert Saturday night. I really wanted to see her, but didn't want to fork over the cash for it. One of Tracy's friends got sick and decided to GIVE her both tickets, which was beyond kind and generous. When we first got there I was unimpressed, but she played for a long time and her closing set was quite magnificent. A good time was had by all. Here is something that I thought was strange. She closed with "Keep it Precious". Nice, but different that she closed with a slow song.

Work has been difficult for me the past few weeks. I have been getting myself in quite a bit of hot water. I'm not sure how much of it is me doing things incorrectly and how much of it is me having to take a hit for things. It is actually beginning to beat me down. I've never had a job where my performance was an issue. Never. I am trying to do everything right, but somehow I manage to mess something up. The crappy thing about my job is that everything I do relies on what others do and I'm a coordinator, which means that my job is to make everyone happy. This cannot be done. So, if I don't piss off one person, I'm going to piss off another. Bad for my psyche.

Rogaine

2006-07-10T00:50:00.000-06:00

Is there really a difference between Rogaine for men and Rogaine for women? I see that it costs more for women. What a shock. So, what's the deal with that? Do we not have the same hair or what? I don't get it.

My hair is still falling out. I pulled out more today than I have any day thus far. Sooo grody. I hope Tracy still loves me when I'm bald. It might be a tough call.

2006-07-06T21:22:00.000-06:00

Can you keep a secret? I mean a big one. You can't tell anyone. I've been watching So You Think You Can Dance. I've learned quite a bit. I've learned I don't care for contemporary dance. In the least. *yawn* And my lord, have you seen Martha's legs? Great Scott. My favorite is Dimitri. Dead freakin' sexy. Washboard stomach. And why am I acting like anyone else watches this crap?

I wrote all kinds of stuff on my hand last night that I was going to blog about, but it's pretty much gone now, and I can't make much of it out.

I think I can make out 'nothing' on my hand, which I think is for "What if everything we have adds up to nothing?". IG lyric. You must be shocked. Come On Home If I remember correctly, this song is about enabling, but here's what I was looking at:

Just come on home, the team you're hitched to has a mind of its own
But it's just the forces of your past you've fought before
Don't you recognize them anymore
I'm stacking sandbags against the river of your troubles.

There's the given and the expected
I count my blessings while I eye what I've neglected
Is this for better is this for worse
You're all jammed up and the dam's about to burst.

I hear the owl in the night
I realize that some things never are made right
By some will we string together here
Days to months and months to years
What if everything we have adds up to nothing.

As though you are still reading.... I'll use myself as an example. Easier to type that way. So, let's pretend I have a partner with a problem. This issue is leading my partner on a journey without me. Someplace I cannot go. But, here I am enabling by helping her ignore the problem. I'm thinking I'm determined to stick through it. For better for worse. I'll just keeping stacking those sandbags she isn't going to confront the problem head on. What if I spend all this time trying to make it work and masking the real issues just to find it all adds up to nothing?

I think I was thinking too much yesterday. :) Ya think?

Back to the hand. Something that starts with a W. Oh, I think that is Winter by Tori Amos. (I was listening to pod on the way to school.) I really like the line "He said, 'When you gonna make up your mind? When you gonna love you as much as I do?'" Me likey. Lots of us fail to love ourselves as much as others love us. How come? I know that I have this issue at times. I've been feeling unworthy lately. I get confused sometimes as to why others love me when I don't always love me. I freakin' piss myself off and annoy the shit out of myself. I feel myself to be an obnoxious brat at times. I'm not going to say anything else about that because I think it would be a negative thing to do and would only tear me down. I think about it, though.

Let's see what other song I wrote on my hand. haha Oh. This one is says "Lee". Lee had a doing away thing at the lesbian bar Sunday night. It was very sad. I'm not going through the whole Lee thing because I've already done it a million times. I feel in my heart she is not gone. I cried like a big weenie when I said goodbye to her. She said I was the only one that cried and that everyone else was all, "Okay! See ya, Lee!" Not me, I'm hugging her, crying, and telling her repeatedly that I love her. Tracy commented that she had never seen me cry. That is because I am a cold, callous bitch, people. :D This is overly dramatic, but I've been a little conditioned to not show too much of that crying crap around my other half. Well, I can cry like a baby as long as I don't mind being called a drama queen. So, I guess that isn't true.

(Yay! Intervention is on and I've taken ambien. SCORE!)

I'm dogless tonight thanks to the love of my Tracy. She came and got Frank. I'm not sure really why. I did have a bad work day and she mentioned I might need to get wasted or something. However, I'm actually fine. I will say it is great to not have to watch him 24/7 though. I love that critter, but lordy he makes me tired. Wouldn't trade him. Don't mean to confuse!

Good Day

2006-07-05T12:07:00.000-06:00

It's a good day in Dawnland. I woke up on time to a cloudy day and some sweet babies sleeping with me. I got a lot of work stuff done, my Wednesday meeting was mercifully short. My gosh, I am just so rested from my Tracy weekend. Pure bliss. She makes me happy. I hope I try to remember that she is on my side. When things get stressful at home, sometimes we forget that we are on the same team with our significant other and that is so sad.

I love her family. They're quite wonderful. They don't treat me like I'm 'the new girl' or anything like that. Her mom even asked me what date I was moving in. Sweet folks. I think I've mentioned my family loves her as well. Pretty sure I've complained that I suspect they like her more than they do me. haha

Can I get a 'what what' for the peace I'm feeling today? It's been awhile. Yay!

Happy 4th!

2006-07-04T22:36:00.000-06:00

Hope you had a great 4th. :)

I spent five solid days with my girl, and it was nice. She didn't get on my nerves even once. The kids got on my nerves, but not the woman. Frank had a blast. Loved it out there. He is wiped out. Wiped. He's been sleeping for 2 hours. Poor little guy was so tired, he was barking at the bed because he wanted bedtime. How cute is that? He seems to like his new brother, Lucky. I have no idea if I've mentioned Lucky. I think I have. Lucky is a darn sweet little pooch. Yay! I feel really bad for Frank, though. He was having so much fun and I brought him back here where he just sits and watches me work during the day. Cousin Jack is coming on Friday, though, and will be here for more than a week. I am going to have my hands FULL.

Hey, how is it already July? I remember when July seemed a long time away. Now September seems far. Time is whizzing by, though. It'll be Christmas before I know it, I'm sure. I am getting anxious to get my sorry butt out to Corinth, though. I'm somewhat frustrated by the lack of a move date, but I'm sure it will iron itself out within the next couple of weeks. You know how I am....Once I get an idea in my mind, I'm ready to do whatever I need to do and get it all over with. Not that I mean that in a negative way. Just that I'm ready to be settled. I hate this whole in-between thing. It's buggin' me.

Goofy

2006-06-28T21:54:00.000-06:00

I'm goofy tonight.

I had to order a book for school and I had it mailed to Tracy's since I'm going to be staying out there for the next several days. I received an email saying my order was being shipped to Corinth (where she lives) and I got all excited. All of us are going. Peanut, BooBoo, Frankie, Groucho and Honky. This could go very wrong. hahaha I foresee the cats having a huge problem. Not looking forward to that, but we'll do the best we can.

So, I realized today that 'the end of September' is barely more than 60 days from now!! Yikes! I'm moving to Corinth? WTF? haha There is something very cool about this. Actually several 'very cool' things. Let's see. Podunksville has a huge yard. We know I love that. It's way quiet out there and there are sooo many stars. I wonder, though, if I will still stop and look at them every night like I do now, or if I will simply walk from the garage into the kitchen. I am also thrilled that I will actually be living closer to some folks. Jennifer, Julie, Julie, Jessica...I think Melody will be about the same. But at least we'll be off the same highway. :D Corinth is admittedly too far from my parents. Tracy and I both know this and will work together in the future to remedy. I'm not real concerned about it. She has the same family values I do, so I know she won't complain about the drive out there.

Franklin is so cute. A royal pain in my ass, but I wouldn't trade him.

I have a lot more to blog, but anh.

OH, wait. One last thing. That psych test. I made a 57.5. You have never seen anyone so thrilled to have a 57. I totally didn't deserve anything even that high. I can recover from this. It will be work, but I am thrilled that I seem to have made the correct decision for once in my life.

Odd.

2006-06-26T11:34:00.000-06:00

I just smashed the holy hell out of my hand, and now I have a headache. Could this be pressure points in reverse. Is this possible? I am having pretty bad chest pains right now, too. Not sure what that is about. Probably about heartburn. Which is totally odd, too, cuz all I've had is hot dogs today. Plain ones. Odd.

My hand hurts. And my head now, too.

Other than that, I feel pretty frickin' fantastic today. Tracy and I had the best weekend we've had in awhile (at least it was for me). I threw my parents a surprise 25th Anniversary dinner on Saturday night, and they were actually surprised! Woo hoo! My lying skills worked in my favor. ;) Work is busy, but good today. I feel good about not dropping my Psych class I wanted to drop last week. I will have a hard time passing, but I feel good about not giving up, yet. I asked myself some Debbie Ford questions and got back on track. That was a close call, though.

My downstairs neighbors are up to no good. They are very noisy today. I've been lucky while I'm here, though. For the most part, this has been a nice apartment complex and I haven't had any problems.

I shall get back to work now. :)

2006-06-21T00:24:00.000-06:00

Sir Franklin Edermeyer made his toy squeak all by himself for the first time today. I'm very proud!

*yawn*

I am so tired. I suppose I should just pass out, but I am wanting to pretend like I'm going to study later. Ha. Haha. I am the worst studier to ever live. My mom and I went tonight to see Sheryl Crow. Not too bad. Man, is she thin. Super mega not attractive thin. Dunno if maybe this is because she was just sick or maybe she was always this thin and I just didn't know. Another thing. I don't think I ever noticed how shrill her voice is. It's never come across that way to me before, but goodness.... ouch.

So. Looks like I'm moving in with Tracy. Most likely in September. How 'bout them apples? We're gonna have 3 dogs, 3 cats and 2 birds. Plus whatever strays that pop up, I'm sure. We're both suckers for cute fuzzy things. I'm gonna live way out in the boonies. Tracy even admits it is the boonies. I'm actually okay with it. It'll be yucky at first because right now I am central to everything and everyone and I really like it. BUT. There are lovely things about the boonies. Big yards. Stars. Peace and friggin' quiet. Since I work at home, I'm not sure how much complaining I could actually do. Most likely, the hardest part for me will be living where she lived with her ex. That is a bit uncomfortable, but I try not to think about it. I don't have any other housing suggestions, and I don't really want any others. It will be an adjustment. I'm pretty sure I have the deer in the headlights look a lot these days. I'm totally petrified. The last time I made this sort of decision, it was not a good one. And, yeah, yeah....Different relationship different yadda yadda. Doesn't matter. I am allowed to be afraid. I am allowed to be . er. whatstheword. Skeptical, I guess. This is where I work on that faith thing. It isn't easy, ya'll. Not for me. Not anymore. Perhaps I can go with Tracy's worst-case scenario question she uses for stuff sometimes. What is the worst thing that could happen? I could move in and have to move back out. Then my employer could get pissed off and fire me for moving too much and them having to move my crap all the time. I would be broke and homeless, so I'd go live with my parents for a tad until I found another job. And if I lived with my parents for awhile, maybe I could pay some stuff off. Hey, this isn't so bad, after all! Ha. See? Her reasoning helps. I think what it comes down to is the same thing it always comes down to with me. My fear of not being good enough. I fear that Tracy will get me and then decide I'm not what she wanted after all, but just someone that came around at a convenient time.

Frankie Foo Foo

2006-06-13T20:14:00.000-06:00

I bought a bazillion toys for Puppy today. Wally World had a bunch on clearance for fifty cents. I think some of these I will send home with Tracy for our new puppy that lives with her. OR maybe I will keep them all for Sir Franklin Edermeyer the First of Grapevine. Sir Franklin jumped off the couch today and hurt himself. I freaked. He wouldn't put any pressure on his front paw. He's all better now, but I was mortified for a few minutes.

I'm gonna turn in early tonight. My brain just isn't right, so I'm going to read some Debbie Ford. I don't know what it is going to take to get me back on track.

Man, this little dog has the sharpest teeth ever. And he whines like a girl. Such a baby.

Don't Be Someone's Option, Dammit.

2006-06-11T22:07:00.000-06:00

Found a quote I like tonight:
“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”

My self-esteem has been pretty sucky lately. Notsogood. There are a couple of things that are going well in my brain, though. One of them is that I now believe I deserve only the best. And I don't deserve to be a runner-up. Another is that I'm working on 'receiving". As we know, I don't like to accept help or money or any of that. I give up. An audio book I was listening to said it insults others when you don't take what they offer. Well, I certainly don't want to insult folks, do I? Of course not! SO~ Last week, I let Suzy buy me dinner, Melody kept my new puppy while I was out of town, and... seems like there was something else.

And yes, I just said 'my new puppy'. !!

Poor little guy hasn't really been named, yet. Tracy took to calling him Pepe after she picked him up from Melody's and I called him that when she brought him home. I am thinking I may stick with my initial name for him "Sir Franklin Edermeyer the First of Grapevine". Ha. He is 9 weeks old, and he is two pounds. He doesn't even register on my scale. Wicked cute.

I love hims and he's a good boy. He's already learning 'sit' and 'down'. I also think he is doing pretty good with the potty training. I'd like to talk more about him, but I am exhausted tonight. I just really liked that quote and wanted to cut and paste before I forgot.

Class Night = Blogging

2006-05-31T18:28:00.000-06:00

My ambien failed me last night. I took it about 8:30 and was still awake after midnight. Admittedly, I probably would have slept if I had tried, but usually I at least don't remember what I watched on television the night before. I remember very distinctly watching Derailed last night. It was pretty good. Kept my attention, anyway.

I couldn't wait to get to class tonight. I guess I'm just a little tired of work and home feels like a little bit of a chore since there is always something I need to do and my satisfaction level is low in general. Even down to what I'm drinking. Nothing tastes good. PMS is fun.

Why is that UTD has such crappy toilet paper and plain crappy restrooms? What, like they can't afford stalls that actually close? And, hey, while I'm talking about bathrooms...What is the deal with adults that do not flush? Lord. *shiver*

I went over to Tonya's yesterday to float in her pool. When I feel negative, I go straight for Tonya. She really knows how to make you feel better. No, I'm serious. She gets so worked up about stuff I start to see how much of a big deal things really aren't. haha I love my Tonya. I also love that I went from my desk to her pool in 15 minutes. Plus, my wonderful girlfriend had bought me some beer and left it there, so I already had beer.

Mmmm. Who is cute girl in polo and khakis? Hello, cute girl. Cute blonde girl with ponytail.

Tell me this woman next to me is NOT talking on her cell in class. Would walking out the door be that terribly hard?

Ohhh. How about cute married girl in t-shirt too small looking at real estate on her laptop?

Shush. I can look at whatever I want to.

I can't figure out how to get the date at the top of every post. It only posts the date at the top of the first post of that day. I messed around in this template for like an hour last night. It's frustrating me. And what is the deal with the All Consuming? What is with that spacing? It is script, so I have no idea how to fix that.

Aarrrrrrrrgggghhhhh!

2006-05-29T22:12:00.000-06:00

Please see above.

Dude.

My ex frustrates the shit out of me. I should have freaking handled the cell phone way back in January. I was trying to be nice for all the good that did me. You know what good it did me? A good $300 worth of good. Negative good. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.

DAMMIT.

I've been frustrated all day today about the cell phone. Michele calls me at 10:30 tonight thinking I wouldn't answer. But I did. She was trying to leave a msg, I'm sure. That didn't work. Then she wants to ask me about my life and how things are going. I must tell you, at this point, I just want to not pay for the cell phone any more and move on. I'm sick of it. We broke up almost 8 months ago, and it is ridiculous I'm still dealing with this.

I am sick of exes. Sick of them. When Rachel and I broke up, I tried to be friends with her at first, but it was impossible. I quit talking to her for about a month. There wasn't a day I didn't want to call her, but it was what I needed to do in order to move on. It was a long time before I was able to talk to Rachel without becoming upset or nostalgic.

I'm just agitated tonight. I've been agitated since Tracy left. I was dwelling on this whole cell phone thing all evening. Feels like I worry about others to my exclusion sometimes. Why do/did I care what was good for Michele regarding the cell phone? What the hell kind of doormat am I? I keep trying to be nice. Um. Why? Who the hell is kissing my ass? Um. *looks around* Well, there's the cat. :) I mean, seriously. *flings poo at the wall* (that was random...haha) It wasn't good for me to have her on my plan. Why did that matter more than what was good for me? It's disgusting. Once again with the backbone thing. *sigh* I need to think about this and find a happy medium between, understanding, kindness and being a damned door mat.

I've been meaning to buy some gold for a year or so. You know, the precious metal. :) Tonight I bought $2500 of it. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping this goes better than my previous financial endeavors. Gold is said to be a pretty safe investment. I'm hoping.

I got a new bird yesterday! He doesn't have a name, yet. Another society finch (like Howard). He has the prettiest call. When I first heard him singing yesterday, I got a little teary. I am such a child at times...Touched by the goofiest things. I'll try to get a picture/sound clip of him soon.

Tracy and I had a right nice weekend. We saw The DaVinci Code Saturday night. I think she liked it more than I did. For me, it was just a little too long. I prefer my movies shorter than two hours. It didn't suck...I'm not saying that. It just won't make my list of favorite movies. Last night we went to a Rangers game with a couple of her friends. And ya know what?!? I wasn't bored. I was relieved about that. The last time I went to a game, I was bored out of my mind. This morning we had breakfast and then she went to hang out with her family and Teena. Oh, and then I worked. I also worked Saturday until around 5.

I'm still in DF Hell. I tried some of the visualizations the other day and they all sounded like crap. I tried reading some of the book, but that didn't work for me, either. Oy. *sigh*

What would happen if I needed some reassurance? Shall I tell you? I shall. A big fucking nothing. Somebody call the waaaaaaaambulance, cuz I want it to be all about me at some juncture. Ugh. I need to go to bed, I think.

I can say this, I have lunch with Melody on Thursday, and I'm thrilled about it. I haven't seen her in over a year, and our yearly meeting is overdue! ha. :) This is what I look forward to this week.

It is just me or are all these movies about great teachers helping terrible kids the same as "To Sir, With Love"?

2006-05-26T13:49:00.000-06:00

Sleepy

2006-05-24T22:47:00.000-06:00

I'm quite proud of myself. I'm packed. Clean bird cage. Clean litter box. Work email cleaned out. Kitchen clean. (kinda) Actually, I usually like to leave the apartment cleaner, but I don't have any plans for Saturday, so I can take care of stuff then.

AI spoiler:
I am so glad Taylor won AI. I was sad when Chris got voted off instead of Kat. Mainly because she did not perform better than he did. There were a few times she forgot the words and the Phil Collins song she did was incredibly painful. At least Taylor brings something different to the table. I didn't vote, though, because Elliot was better than either Kat or Taylor.
I have spoken.

A honky tonk is a crappy bar. I was thinking this to be accurate, but isn't music sometimes referred to as honky tonk? Maybe not. What do I know?

I took care of that damn ticket the other day. It was really no big deal, and I am grateful the court house isn't far at all. They sure make that easy. I walked in 10 minutes before they closed, walked up to a window, wrote the lady a check and I was done. Just like that. I feel good that is over with.

I was just emailing Michele that I am happy Peanut is feeling better and that I haven't seen barf since the weekend. About that time I heard a horrid moaning sound and Peanut barfed. *sigh* Oy. Poor kitty.

2006-05-24T19:59:00.000-06:00

Uh muh gawd.

It's 9pm. I have been working non-stop since I got to class at 6pm. Yup, I'm working while in class. Three hours of hard-core working. I'm down to 15 emails, which is awesome. I hope I can keep up with all of this while I'm out of the office. I can tell you this, my happy butt is going to the Hard Rock Cafe tomorrow. Darnit. Hmm. Shot glass or t-shirt? I dunno. I'm ordering my sorry butt some room service for breakfast, too! Yeah! Hmmm. Room service vs Hard Rock for dinner. That's actually a tough decision. I'm going to be completely zonked tomorrow night.

Uh muh gawd, part II.

I picked up two of the four book choices for my term paper. EW. Dude. Thick and boring as heck and nasty. EW. I shall add to All Consuming for your mortification when I can. I'd like to say tonight, but we'll have to see how packing goes. I have very little hope the other books will be any more interesting. I think class might be ending soon. Blessed Be.

Yo, Yo. Check It Out.

2006-05-24T08:23:00.000-06:00

My woman left me this morning. I know she is dying to be home, but I'm gonna miss her being around here. At least when I'm home to miss her being here. Tonight is class and I leave early tomorrow morning for Houston(work trip). I get back Friday night, so that isn't too bad. I am certainly looking forward to the long weekend this weekend. As an added bonus to the long weekend, it also seems we have NO plans. Woo! My friend Beth is mailing me a couple of vouchers for a Ranger game this weekend, so we might be doing that. Or maybe I'll just give Tracy the vouchers to take a friend. She might enjoy it more with someone else.

I went to the Grapevine Main Street Festival last weekend. It was really nice. It wasn't like the festival in Fort Worth where it is really crowded. No lines for anything. I went with Tonya's girlfriend, Alma, and was able to bond with her. That bonding is long overdue. I really like Alma and feel bad that I was such a biatch to her in the beginning. I'm not quite sure what I was thinking. Of myself, I'm sure. I ended up buying 4 bottles of wine. I left one with Tonya and Alma Sunday night. Somehow it didn't taste as good at home as it did at the winery. Imagine that.

Summer classes started last week. The prof for my class is an interesting guy. He's cool because he is so excited about his topic. Unfortunately, he talks really fast and not very loud, so I struggle to hear him. Also, he takes attendance and requires a term paper on a boring topic. :( I'm excited to get another core course out of the way, though. Only two more after this!

Oh! The gas wells! I've probably mentioned this at least a million times, but my family has some land out in Joshua. A few months ago, it was decided that a gas well would be put in. Well, the gas well is turning out pretty nice and my mom and her brother and sisters got their first check the other day. Mom is going to pay some of my school loans! How cool is that? I have some pride issues with this, but after getting all worked up about it, I decided to let her help me. I suppose I shouldn't feel bad about it since they are paying for Alex's schooling, but I do, anyway. I have 20K in school loans as of now, so any help will be greatly appreciated.

Debbie Ford. I am. Err. Struggling. I haven't done my "3 things I'm grateful for" thing in at least a week. I'm feeling very negative and I'm none to pleased with myself for it. Especially considering attitude is a choice. What's up with that? I must knock it off. I will.

Things with Tracy have been good. To me. ;) I love that she is intuitive to my moods and thoughts. Kinda stinks because I'm not going to get away with my usual habit of building up resentment. :) Bizarre to me because I haven't had someone pay enough attention to me to know I'm having a mood. I'm loving the whole attention thing and I try not to take advantage.

Life is good. Everything is just puttering along. I have no cause for complaint. The cat seems to be getting over her bladder infection. *crosses fingers* My finances are a wreck as always, but I have everything I need and a bunch of stuff I want. My family rocks. My friends are awesome.

Something not so good. I'm having a hard time practicing faith over fear. I have all kinds of excuses. I almost asked someone the other day if I'm spineless, but I was afraid of the answer, so I didn't ask.

2006-05-17T16:16:00.000-06:00

Vile, Vile, VILE

2006-05-17T11:10:00.000-06:00

OMG, I am in a vile mood. VILE, I say. I am in such a bad mood that I am going to the gym at my apartment complex when I get off this damn conference call to burn some steam. I can't take it!!! "Take what?" you ask? Hell, I don't know. I just know whatever it is, I can't take it.
Alright, I know some of it. First of all, I had to restart my computer no less than 6 times this morning to get my work email to work. Somehow, I managed to get 30 new emails over night. They are still sitting there since I didn't get my computer working until damn near 11am.

I don't feel like I'm controlling things in my life and I'm all worked up about it today. ALL worked up. (Obviously.) I'm annoyed that I am choosing to feel this way instead of feeling blissfully happy for all the cool stuff going on. My attitude blows. *sigh*

I have other stuff to share that is somewhat more uplifting, but I just can't get there right now. Maybe I'll try again after the 'gym'. Or maybe I'll get some of these emails taken care of. Who knows. Not I.

2006-05-15T20:05:00.000-06:00

Did you know you can buy Tryptophan? Is that not that hormone in turkey? Hmm. Supposed to help with seratonin as well as sleeplessness. Maybe I can add on my Amazon wish list?

Intervention

2006-05-15T19:37:00.000-06:00

Ugh. The last few episodes of Intervention have made me cry. Well, except the one about bulimia. The girl kept barfing in plastic zipper bags and I just couldn't want it. I wanted to retch every time she started puking. I can't handle puke.
Hmm. I'm not sure I can talk about addictions. I . Um. Have issues. hahaha These people dig themselves into a hole and just keep digging until there isn't an easy way out. Or even a way out to be seen. Thank goodness I don't have any addictions. Well, you know. The kind that really jack up your life. I just have clogged arteries.

Yay

2006-05-15T17:39:00.000-06:00

I didn't cry when Jack left! Didn't even want to. :) But now I do need to give this apartment a good once-over. I'm not saying I'm going to clean, but I'd rather rip off my arm and beat myself with it than have it look like this when Tracy gets here tomorrow. Yikes. This place is digusting. Pig sty. Nasty. Grody. Ew.

All that.

OMGOMGOMG

2006-05-15T09:27:00.000-06:00

Guess what I just made? A caramel light frappuchino. And it's good! I am so freaking excited! YES! Tracy is addicted to these, so I wanted to learn before she came to stay since there isn't a Starbucks on her way to work from here. Woo! Besides that, it'll save her $4 a day. I get to save her $20 this week. Woo! Hey, that's a bottle of vodka. (She's also addicted to appletinis.) I even bought little disposable coffee cup things with lids. :)

Phooey

2006-05-14T23:43:00.000-06:00

A&M was okay. I felt pretty crappy most of the time I was there. I can't seem to keep it together in the heat. I get miserable so fast. Sucks. I don't know if it has anything to do with my meds or not, but one of them does make me 'photo sensitive'. Not sure to what extent that is.

I bought almost $200 worth of groceries today. That is a LOT of food. I'm sick of not having any food around here. If I get a craving for anything, I have to go get it. Tracy is coming to stay with me some this week, so I thought it might be a good time to actually have food in the house. When it is just me, I have no motivation to have food, but with her here, I'm a little more motivated. It took only a short period of time for me to forget how to shop for two. Hopefully, I won't be eating out any this week. Tomorrow I have the intention of not leaving the house. At all. I do have to get dressed, though, because Suzy is coming to get little Jack.

Poor Jackie didn't have much fun in College Station. He was conked out all the way home and then slept through the night as well. Today we went to my Mom's for Mother's Day. He's a pretty well-behaved little guy. He doesn't seem to understand that he needs to poop outside, though. We haven't really had any pee problems, but he hasn't used his puppy pad for poop, yet. Oy. Ginny pulled this, too. She quit peeing in the house, but was still pooping for quite awhile.

I got my new Debbie Ford books yesterday, and I'm going to go start one of them right now. My mind set isn't quite right at the moment, and I'm hoping she'll help. I have been extremely blah this weekend. Had to take xanax for my nerves again. Phooey.

Hola

2006-05-13T08:23:00.000-06:00

Since I've been scolded by the fair Melody, I shall post. But only a short one as I'm getting ready to leave for College Station in about 20 minutes. Alex has some sort of thing today. Honestly, I'm not sure what it is. I just know it entails a change from his Junior to his Senior uniform. HEY! I just had a thought! We're both seniors! Very cool. :)

It's been a busy couple of weeks for me. I have no clue what I've been doing, but I've gotten nothing accomplished. I managed to pull off B's in both classes. B- in Math for Teachers. Might have helped if I had gone to class a little more often. Work has been kicking my ass. I've been sooo busy. With nothing. So weird.

I finished a DF book! YES! I went back and started reading it over that same night, but I haven't touched it much since then. I've picked up The Right Questions and read some of it, but I had already done that. I'm probably pretty close to finishing that as well. I've ordered three more DF books that I'm expecting any day now. Cheap! Four books for $14 including shipping. Woo hoo!

I have JackJack this weekend. Damn cutest little dog. I want a puppy so bad I can hardly stand it. I'm just afraid if I get a puppy right now Tracy won't be able to love it since she has been through so much recently with her dogs. I can't get us a puppy without her being ready and on board. Soon. Just not today. I suppose I'll be the best Aunt Dawn ever to Jackie until then. Damn, this dog is cute. I think I have him next weekend and the weekend after as well. Little squirt.

Oh, and here is a picture from Ruby's visit. I don't have any of her pictures, yet.

Wanna!

2006-05-05T09:30:00.001-06:00

I wanna do this. I'm noodling on it.

Damn Stars

2006-04-30T22:50:00.000-06:00

Those damn Stars lost tonight and are out of the playoffs. There went the end of what little there was of any sportiness I might have pretended to have. :)

Ruby was in town this weekend, so I took off Thursday and Friday to spend with her. Thursday we ran around town and shopped. Friday we went to the movies and saw a couple of movies that sucked. Friends With Money and American Dreamz. Um, yeah. Thursday night was dinner with Rach, Suzy, Tonya, Alma, Ruby and Jessica. Friday night was poker night with the above plus Tracy. Saturday night we went to Bennigan's for appetizers and dessert-- we being Rach, Sue, Tracy, Ruby and Jessica. I didn't talk to Rube at all today and she is leaving first thing Tuesday morning. I need to see if I can catch her real quick tomorrow night after my final.

I slept all day Saturday. And I mean all day. I woke up at 1:45pm. I stayed up for a few hours watching Alias and fell back asleep after 5. I woke up at 8:30 when Rach IM'd me asking about our plans. Thank goodness she IM'd me, or I would have been sleeping when I was supposed to be at dinner. Tracy and I didn't sleep terribly late today. I want to say 8:30 or 9, however, I did take a nap during the Stars game. I'd like to be sleeping now as well, but I'm taking a break from my last minute cramming for tomorrow. Tomorrow ought to be a pretty nasty day at work. I am coming back after a long weekend, I have a couple of meetings, I have to be on campus at 12:30 and then I have to back at school for my final by 7. Ew. At least Tuesday is a big nothing. And Wed. And Thurs. And Fri. Yay! I get two WHOLE weeks off before summer school! YES! Summer school is only 1 day a week, so I'm going to try not to complain too much.

Yet.

I tell you what. As much fun as I had this weekend, I won't miss the ribbing too much. Rachel and Ruby have a tendency to want to mortify me when together. Swear. Kills me. Friday night I experienced a little too much socialization and had to take xanax. I thought I was going to lose my temper and yell at somebody. It would have been totally undeserved. Bad Dawn. I was kind of cranky for awhile, but making a complete ass of myself was narrowly averted.

Alright, I gotta get back to the book for another 30 mins or so before passing out for the night. Hasta.

2006-04-25T11:22:00.000-06:00

Yikes. Long!

2006-04-24T19:23:00.000-06:00

"If you make yourself really small, you can externalize virtually everything."

Howard died today. (See March 26, 2006) A couple of weeks ago, Tracy was over and I had the birds on the bar. I told her that I would be heart-broken when Howard died. I’m not sure if it was a week or a few days later when he started not looking too good. Poor fella. I was on the phone with Mom today and she asked how he was. I turned around and was looking at him and he FELL off his perch and hit the bottom of the cage. It was loud. I was sad. I cried. Goofy as I’m sure it is, I loved that little bird. I shall miss his little tweets in the morning. I still have Honky, but as you can tell by his name, his call is not quite as sweet. I took Howard to Rachel and Suzy’s and buried him in their side yard. I was lucky enough that Rachel got home right when I got there, so she distracted me and kept me from being dramatic. Tonight I will add Rach & Sue to my gratitude journal. Those girls are good to me. They even came over during the weekend to check on little Howard. I love my girls. Indeed.

So, the weekend.
Tracy had a bowling tournament in Oklahoma City last weekend, and she invited me to go, which I found to be OhSoSweet. (Either I’m easily impressed or I’ve won the damn lottery. ) It’s nice to know (or at least ‘think’ I guess) that I don’t make her feel boxed in. She actually wants me around her and her friends. I love it.
Anyhoo, Tracy, her friend Lee, and I set off for OKC Friday afternoon. Would you believe I frickin’ got pulled over in frickin’ Keller? Keller is about 30 mins from my house. I got a ticket for crossing the double white line. The cop busted me crossing two, but since he was feeling just soooo generous on Friday, he just wrote me 1 ticket. Ain’t that sweet? Oy. I’m actually not worked up about this. I haven’t had a ticket in years, and if we’re being honest, I’ve been doing some really dumbass things in the car. I’ve been paranoid of being pulled over for quite awhile. The laws of the universe say I totally deserve a ticket. I have to say, though, that I would have felt better about it if I was alone in the car. Embarrassment City, ya’ll. :( Poor, poor me. Oh, and I got a ticket for not having the correct address on my license as well. *sigh* Whatever. I shall take care of it.

Friday night, we hung out at Tracy’s best friend’s girlfriend’s house. (Did you follow that? Haha. ) Cindy/i? (bfgf) made dinner and I think we sat outside after that. Yes, I think that’s right. Pretty groovy, IMO. I miss sitting outside and talking. Love it. The girls bowled six games Saturday morning and then we went back to Cindy’s to watch the Stars get spanked by the Avalanche. Very sad. (Speaking of, CO is beating us 0-3 in the first period now….for cryin’ out LOUD!) We were supposed to go out to the bar, but for some reason the ladies decided to stay home. Ahhhhh. I got to put on elastic pants and put my hair in a ponytail. You know what I just realized? I really really didn’t mind looking like poopy on a stick in front of them. Hunh. So, we stayed home and watched Shark Tale and Ice Age and played SkipBo. How cool is that? I got a little giggle out of it in my head. Me sitting in a living room in Moore, OK playing cards and watching animated movies with people 15 years older than me. Not a mean giggle. More like a “whew:” giggle. I don’t know how to explain this except that I’ve been lame a really long time and have had people poke fun at me for it. I dunno, it was just nice.

I worry about this whole social thing. I try to do it, but it breaks me down whereas Tracy can go and go and go. Me? Notsomuch. I suppose it doesn’t really matter since I could care less if she goes out without me. I just don’t want to be a reason why she stays home. Oh….clarification. I care if she wants me to go. I care if she goes. I do not care if … Oh, hell. Nevermind. It was all well-intended. I trust my woman and want her to have a good time. That oughtta take care of all of that.

Damn -- I digressed. Imagine that. Sunday was more bowling. Team day. I drank beer, yes, real beer and watched them bowl. (Did you know caffeine enhances memory? But only for a short time…. I do not support caffeine as a memory aid.) After bowling was lunch, where I ate entirely too much. Ohhh. We went to a sports bar. They had lounge chairs in front of a wall of TVs with a few different channels on. OMG. Extreme Picture-In-Picture. The sporty lesbians were pretty happy and I was fine since I had a beverage and the Travel Channel. Lord, how I would love to have a wall of TVs. Since my attention span sucks anyway, I’d probably really enjoy watching a bunch of stuff at once. I need someone to buy that for me. Still looking for my Sugar Momma. ;) As if.

I’m freaking myself out with the kid thing again. I am sure there is a fear behind it. If I am a mother, what will happen when I need to ‘reboot’. If there is one thing I know, it’s that you can only count on yourself. Expecting someone else to step up is presumptuous and often disappointing. (YES! 1-3) You have to be prepared to do everything yourself. Even as I type this, I know you do what you have to do when you have to do it. You find the energy, the will, etc. (YES! 2-3!) I’ve seen a little of this in myself. Plus, I think when you’re a parent, it changes the way you see things. It’s a valid concern, though. I’m not dwelling. Trying to be realistic is all.

Debbie Ford (DF) update: Gosh, I am thankful I stumbled upon the course. I really feel like it is helping me. I had a card a couple of weeks ago about shame. Sharing your shame. EW. EW.
But you know what? I did. (3-3!) I shared and nothing bad happened. Yet. There could be some very upsetting consequences, but I did the right thing. It was terribly hard, and actually physically painful. The good news is that I think I’ve disclosed everything I need to. Other good news is that my recent experiences in sharing have been very positive.

Mom said that she has noticed a difference in me over the last few months. I like this. It's progress because the change she has seen in me has been positive. I feel like a new person and I sincerely hope this is true because the Jekyl/Hyde routine is not for me. It's hard for me to believe I've changed because I don't believe that people really change. Hmm. You know what? That's not true. I see change in Michele. How about this: I do not trust change in people to be permanent. I feel a change in spirit, though. I'm not angry anymore. I'm happy. Life is good. I'm blessed. I'm in love. And it feels. so. good.

Whoa, I Match!

2006-04-19T15:10:00.000-06:00

I just realized my underwear matches my bra today. What a strange occurrence! I feel like I should have on matching jewelry or something.

One class down, one to go! YES! Hallelujah, Amen, Brothers and Sisters! Good gravy, it's been a hell of a beating this semester. And I'm just smart enough to go ahead and take a summer class. I totally don't want to, but I saw my reasons for not going as what they are...excuses. Debbie Ford would not approve. So, instead of making a choice that keeps me in the past, I make a choice that will propel me towards the future. Hahaha. Swear, sounds like I've entered into a cult.

After school last night, I stopped by World Market to get myself a bottle of wine. Thought I'd be fancy and get myself something different. A French Rose'. Um. This is why I don't try new things. New things suck. Too heavy. ew. At least I know now. I've been in a little bit of a mood to try new wines, but don't really have anyone to do it with. Wait. That sounds pathetic. I don't have anyone readily available and at my beck and call. There. That's better. And more truthful.

Getting ready to go meet Championship Bowler at Happy Hour.

Exhausted

2006-04-16T23:35:00.000-06:00

*yawn*

I'm sleepy.

I just got off the phone with Michele after a 4 hour conversation. I'm not kidding. Four hours. Somehow we managed not to completely massacre one another's psyche within that amount of time. She said she looked into having our Civil Union annulled. I just pulled up a State of VT website that said what I thought I knew. One of us would have to live in Vermont. The conversation was actually pretty cool. There are some things that I've needed to talk about, but there isn't anyone that really understands/knows the intricacies of the relationship and me leaving. At least Michele is able to understand my guilt issue. She did the whole 'you did everything you could' thing, which really doesn't help me, but it was nice to talk to someone who knows where I'm coming from with all of that. Michele seems to have turned over a new leaf. I am happy for her. New leaves rock. She actually asked me about Tracy and how things are going. My stomach instantly started hurting in anticipation of what I thought would turn into a nasty conversation. It turned out okay, though. She just wanted to know if I'm happy. I tried to reply with 'fine', but she wasn't having it, so I think I just told her really good. I think. Who can remember details of a four hour conversation? Certainly not me!

Am I intimidating to talk to about God and spirituality? Why do I feel like people avoid the subject with me? I don't think I'm judgmental. I don't think I speak poorly of anyone's belief system. I think religion is completely fascinating.

I had a great Easter. I went to church with Tracy. It was my first time to go there with her, so that was neat. Neat? This is the adjective I come up with? Hmm. It was..... Enlightening. Sweet. Fun. Interesting. A huge compliment. Where I was meant to be today. Enlightening because Tracy doesn't talk about her spirituality with me, so it was good for me to get a picture of what it is that inspires her. Sweet because she asked me to go and share it with her. Fun because the preacher man is pretty funny and the music is groovy. Interesting because it was Easter and there was the obligatory story of Jesus' Resurrection. Only not too much. Surprisingly little, now that I think about it. Hmm. I rescind. Interesting because it is church and, like I said up there, religion is fascinating. The psychology of it all! A compliment because Tracy loves her church and shared with me. (Yes, I know I already said that, but I'm moved by it, so shaddup.) And I was meant to be with my girlfriend today in a place that means so much to her. I belonged with her this morning.

Oh! I met Tracy's aunt. You know how I can't stand new people? She's cool. I didn't feel all creepy and self-conscious as I'm prone to. *whew* The meeting went well. :) For me, anyway! :D

Oh, yeah. Easter good. I went off on a tangent about church. heh

Okay, so after church, I watched TV and slept on the couch. In honor of the holiday, I watched a couple of shows on the National Geographic Channel. I watched something about the phenomena of Stigmata and fell asleep during Science of the Bible. I adore that show. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend. Christians and non-Christians alike. It's pretty factual. At least from what I can tell. I DVR'd Exodus Revealed. Not sure what all is included, but it looks like something about the parting of the Red Sea. So, cool.

Okay, so if you read all that, you might think I'm abandoning my current beliefs or not being true to myself. This is not so. I am enhancing my knowledge base. :) I shall not compromise what I believe to be true. This doesn't mean I can't learn about other truths, does it? I say "No". I must be wicked tired because this entry is getting long.

My point was really just that I went to church, watched TV and took a nap.

Tomorrow is Monday. I hate Mondays. Next weekend, I'm in Oklahoma City with my woman for a bowling tournament. My little Championship Bowler. How whipped could I possibly be? Oh well, there is no shame in love.

Morning Birds Are Singing

2006-04-14T10:15:00.000-06:00

Birds make me happy. I like it when I wake up in the morning and hear the birdies outside. I always find it strange to hear them in the middle of the night. Like maybe there is this one little bird who just can't get it right. Poor little fella is out there trying to play with other birdies in the middle of the night when they're all sleeping. What kind of bird is up in the night, anyway?

Besides an owl, smart ass.

Uh oh. Now I have an IG song stuck in my head. Haven't heard it in forever. Shocking I should have one of their songs in my head, isn't it? As usual, I'm sure my interpretation of the song is incorrect, but I don't really care as long as it speaks to me.

at the dawning of some road worn day
I call you on a whim just to say
the morning birds are singing
but I could not do them justice
so I hung up and I fell back to sleep

I thought I was going to try and describe what I think when I hear this, but I'm not seeing the point since my articulation is for the birds. (Hahahaha! I made a funny. Get it? 'For the birds'? Alright, I'm not that funny. Bite me.) Okay. One sentence. The simple things of life that you can't share with someone across a phone line such as the sound of birdies.

Tonight is ass-to-couch again. Ya know, I was reading through some of the recent blog entries. I've been ass-to-couch for like a month and somehow it still isn't enough. Argh. Last night was good, though. I had ass-to-bed at 6 and watched TV all night. Until after midnight. Ahhhh. Sadly, I wanted to sleep in this morning even after all that.

Ruby is coming in town in a little over a week, so I'm taking a couple of days off to hang with her. Should be a very busy weekend. :)

I just figured out why I am so sleepy this morning. No caffeine. That'll do it every time. I'd really like to go take a nap, but my sheets are in the washer and I only have one set. :( *yawn*

Peanut barfs too much. I woke up twice during the night/morning to the sound of her hacking up stuff. Gross. Oy with the barfing, already.

I think I'm going to go watch Big Love, now since it is lunch time. A co-worker told me I reminded her of someone on the show, so I just had to get HBO so I could see what she was talking about. I'm not sure it was a compliment, but I am really enjoying the character's blog. When did they start doing that kind of thing, anyway? Fictional people now have blogs? Whatever.

Final!

2006-04-13T20:40:00.000-06:00

My first final is on Tuesday. I can't tell you how great it feels to almost be done with the semester. I can't wait to not have anything to do. Or at least less to do. I haven't been bored in a long time. I also think it would be fabulous if I could manage o finish a book. That book I was all excited about, Skin Game, has somewhat beat me down and I'm only on Chapter 9, I think. It seems my attention span is dwindling. Who knew it could get any worse?

Tracy and I went to see Phantom of the Opera Sunday night. I won't speak for both of us, but I had a marvelous time. She's a great date...very easy to be around.

Oh my God, this movie I'm watching is really good. Fingersmith I only meant to watch half of it, but I can't stop watching it.

Anh, I thought I had lots to say, but I'm too engrossed in this movie.

Two Posts In One Day!

2006-04-05T21:08:00.000-06:00

Somebody (not me) pooped on the carpet today. This is extremely bizarre behavior. I've had both of these cats for more than 5 years and have never ever had it happen. I hope my boy is okay. I gave him his drugs again a little bit ago. Poor kitty. Hims butt is bothering him. Peanut, on the other hand, has been quite active over the last 24 hours. She's running around, talking, getting into stuff....Crazy cat.

Wow. I'm wicked tired tonight. Interesting since I took a power nap this afternoon and actually got quite a bit of sleep last night even though I was up for awhile. So. Tired. Could be because of work. I have been SO busy. It feels really good to get things accomplished, though. I'm all proud and stuff. haha Today was the best work day I've had in a really long time. I tell you what, though, I could live without meetings. Ugh.

My tickets to Phantom are for this Sunday night. I think I have really good seats. If I recall correctly, anyway. I invited my friend Jennifer to go a while back, but I'm thinking she may bail. I'm hoping she lets me know tomorrow so I can find another date if I need to.

I wonder what would happen sometimes if I didn't initiate hanging out with some of my friends. Friends are work. I've always known this, and I don't have an issue with it. I think I might be getting ready to go through another one of those change in friends things I did 5 years or so ago. That sucked. It will all be fine, though.

Shit. Now Boobies is throwing up. WTF.

Even though I've obviously been in a funk for a week or longer, I'm feeling optimistic. My life is good and I love the direction I see it going. For the most part, I am doing the right things. I misstep here and there, but it's okay. The world doesn't end if my GPA blows. In the real world, no one gives a damn what your GPA is. I am happier now than I have been in longer than I can remember. I have my moments of hopelessness, but it is nothing like what I know and I just wait for it to pass. I don't even keep enough drugs on hand so I could overdose if I want to. The past few years I've horded my drugs so I would have them in case of 'emergency'. So, yeah. I'm doing good. :) I'm going to have phases like I have this week, and I'm going to 'let' myself have them. As long as I don't quit any jobs, drop out of school, jack up relationships, etc, it's all good. Every now and then I just need to reboot.

Can't Sleep

2006-04-05T03:39:00.000-06:00

I woke up about 30 minutes ago and I can't go back to sleep. My stomach hurts. Two completely different issues.

Boobies was a good boy at the vet yesterday. I was impressed. The last time I took him, he was a monster, so it was nice to come back from the vet with all the skin left on my arms. He got a clean bill of health and the vet even said he is a perfect size and not at all overweight. I've never had a vet tell me one of my cats was appropriate weight before. They're usually too fat, but not my sweet boy.

I've decided to lock myself in the house this week. No happy hours. No meeting friends. None of that. I am going to dinner tonight with my friend from work since her last day is Friday, but that is IT. I haven't even bothered to go to school. I'm sure I should feel much more guilty about it than I do. It feels soooo good to get out of my work chair at 6, get some stuff done around the house and then cook dinner. It occurred to me last night that this is how I want my life to be. The old familiarity of uneventfulness. I don't want plans all the damn time. Some plans are nice, but having crap several times a week is beating me down. No mas. I can't remember if I've blogged about it or not, but I'm not taking classes this summer. Once again, I should feel more guilty than I do. I need to start caring again, and I just don't see it happening within the next few weeks. I'm thinking that taking the summer off will make me feel so guilty that I will be relieved when school starts again in August.

I found something productive to do with my oral fixation. Instead of eating, drinking or chewing on things I shouldn't, I floss. God, I'm weird sometimes. I bought those little individual flossing things so when I'm at work and get all orally fixated I floss.

A friend and I went to a new church last weekend. I've been wanting to try out a new UU church. The people were incredibly friendly. The message in the sermon was really good. Having said that......Some things were said that I did not like. The reverend made a jab at the unity religion. I may have agreed with a couple of the things he said, but I find it completely disrespectful to insult a religion. So, we're off to find another UU church to visit. I did get a really good quote from the sermon, though. "I promise not to think like you, but to always walk beside you." I like that.

My hair is falling out again. I had noticed that my hair was mostly staying on my head. This was good. :) A couple of weeks ago I noticed my hair was falling out. I thought maybe it was just knappy, so I got it cut. Nope. It is definitely falling out again. Big time. It's really grody. It bothers me most when I wash my hair and keep having to pull hair off my hands. What the hell is wrong with me? I don't have anything to be stressed about. Life is good. Hell, I don't even have anything to complain about! Well, okay. Nothing I feel like complaining about. :D

Alrighty, I'm going to try this sleep thing again. I can get another 3 hours of sleep.

I Feel Like Crap

2006-04-02T20:51:00.000-06:00

I feel like crap.

Ugh. Last week was a hell of a week. Work sucked. Sooo busy. School sucked. A funeral. One of Tracy's dogs passed away. I can't stand the thought of facing this week. The good news is that I have zero plans this week, leave the two days of school. Plus, there are only 4 weeks of school left.

Although I feel like a complete loser for it, I've decided to take the summer off from school. Not taking this class over the summer jacks with me big 'life plan', but . I just ~~need~~ want a break. I have zero motivation and as a result, my results are pathetic. I'm going to try not to beat myself up about it too much, but I'm pretty certain I'll feel guilty about it for a long time.

I took a nap tonight and woke up to find my clothes and pillow drenched in sweat. It certainly wasn't hot in the apartment because I had the AC set to a very low temperature. My best guess is another of those anxiety attacks, although I'm not real sure what my anxiety is about.

Oh! Let me take a minute to brag on my woman. I'm so proud! She participated in a bowling tournament last weekend and placed third. She got herself a trophy and everything. It isn't even a hideous trophy. :)

I'm doing crappy on the Debbie Ford. Not taking a summer course will help with this. I don't feel like I am centered right now, and this isn't okay. In my mind, it is not possible to really achieve goals without having focus and stillness. If that makes any sense.

I started a book I really like thus far, Skin Game. Of course, I'm only on Chapter 3, so we'll see how that goes. There was something in the second chapter that I identified with, so I'm hooked. Matter of fact, I think I shall go to my room and read now.

My Bad.

2006-03-27T21:53:00.000-06:00

I certainly got what I deserved on my Cognitive Psy test this evening. It was not a pretty sight. There is a slim possibility I will pass if the curve is good. I got very creative on the short answer. heh At least I wrote something. I may have made it all up, but there was writing, so there you have it.

Busy week this week. Tomorrow night is class and then I stay at Tracy's. Wednesday night we're going to a Stars game (woo!), Thursday night I'm going skating with Gayle. Friday night, I belong to Tracy and then on Saturday Tracy and I are going out to Granbury for Grandpa's 70th. Did I mention how much my family likes her? Oy. Grandpa invited her out to spend a weekend so they can play golf together. He's never invited me out for a weekend! Of course, I don't play golf. Anyway, Sunday the massive cycle starts all over again.

Hey, guess what? My favorite prof, Dr H-J is teaching a class I haven't taken in Fall. I'm SO stoked. I don't need the class, but there is no way I'm missing a Dr. H-J class. She's like buttah.

Alright. That's it. I'm going to retire to my quarters for the evening. I'm exhausted.

Cavities and Funny Feathers

2006-03-26T00:54:00.000-06:00

I have five cavities. Five. Ew. Luckily, I have a healthcare reimbursement account, so I won't feel it financially, but man. That sucks!

I can't figure out what my problem is with blogging lately. I think of stuff to type and then when I open this window my mind goes blank. Part of it may be that a lot of what is on my mind these days involves Tracy and I don't want to share. I want to keep these things in my heart and mind. I quit chatting about a lot of things a good six weeks ago. Weird for me to not want to spill my guts, isn't it? What I am comfortable sharing right now is that I am happy, amazed, terrified, grateful, optimistic and I have perma-grin. She's the bomb diggity. :D

I am SO going to run out of gas one day. The closest gas station to the apartment is Exxon. I've shamefully been buying gas from them. I got ticked off at myself a couple of weeks ago and have been trying to buy gas elsewhere. Swear ta god I was running on fumes tonight. I hate Exxon. Bastards. Is Texaco any better? I don't feel like researching it because I would just get depressed.

I didn't get much accomplished on my day off. I got my hairs cut, shopped a little and had lunch with Mom. Tonya, Alma and Tracy came over when they got off of work and we had Happy Hour over fun. Much fun ensued.

OMG, guess what? I bought size 12 britches yesterday! Granted, I had to pour myself into them. And they're stretch jeans. The regular size 12s weren't even thinking about fitting, but I sure as hell won't complain. I actually shed a few tears in the dressing room. I haven't worn a size 12 in ten years. Possibly more. I know I was a size 9/10 in 1994 after Ruby dumped me. Ahhh. Size 9/10. I shall never see it again, but I tell you what, I will be right happy if I can get myself into a size 12 proper. Woo! If I could get my ass to Curves, this would be taken care of. Ugh. Get dressed. Get in car. Drive somewhere. Exercise. EW. I really need to find my motivation for that.

My birds are cute. Have you seen them? That's Howard. The other one is Honky and I don't have a picture of him. I like Howard's head feathers.

Peace out.

Heya

2006-03-22T23:11:00.000-06:00

I'm a happy camper tonight. Different from last. Consistent is boring, right? (Agree with me, dammit!)

I got a little lonely watching American Idol tonight. I talked to the TV. haha I would have much rather been talking to a human, but instead I was talking to Ryan Seacrest. Oy.

I'm kinda disgruntled. I wanted to do my Self-Directed Study on self-mutilation, but I don't see any faculty members that specialize in that kind of thing. Everything at UTD appears to be very congnitive, speech related, or education-oriented. No, no and no. I believe UNT has a much better program for this kind of thing, but I'm too fall along to transfer and UNT is too damn far.

That's all I can do tonight. I gotta go to bed. Dentist in the morning!

2006-03-21T22:21:00.000-06:00

I'm supposed to be working, but as usual I have very little interest in this right now.

This place is a mess. Ugh. I'm not quite sure how I'm working with it like this. Anyone that has worked in an office with me would be very surprised to see this. Papers everywhere. Actually just CRAP everywhere. I'm sure it would help if I had drawers. Or would it? I dunno. The entire apartment is actually on my nerves. Ugh. It's a pit. Completely unorganized.

I'm cranky. I've been cranky most of today, and actually I was quite a bit last week, too. If you've known me very long, you'd be impressed. I have been well-behaved despite my mood. I have yet to pick a fight with Tracy, which is nothing short of a miracle. I haven't gotten ticked off at any friends, thrown anything... Nothing.

I'm currently in the market for a therapist. I have a few things I need to hash out, and I just don't think talking to a friend is going to do it. I have awesome friends, but none that really *know* where I'm coming from when it comes to certain things. I need to be able to talk about how I feel without someone feeling the need to give advice or tell me everything is okay. I just need to talk. Not that my situation is special. I don't think that. I do wish, though, that I had someone to talk to who understands my conflicting emotions. I believe that if I can talk through it, I'll be more willing to let it go.

I got sooo mad at Michele the other day. So mad. What the hell, man? What the HELL? Alcohol? Oy. Was watching a movie the other day and there was a scene where one of the characters was detoxing. Of course, I could think about was watching that happen live. And just stuff that I won't blog about. I'm starting to remember some of the good things which is something I couldn't allow myself to do before. Remembering good things would have kept me there, and I shouldn't have stayed as long as I did. I'm going to struggle with this for a very long time, and that makes me angry. I'm ticked off that the ramifications of that relationship are going to effect future ones. It's not fair to the other person. I've found that I actually expect to be lied to or deceived. Do you remember that 'Faith' card I got awhile back? I'd say I'm using it. I remind myself all the time that I need to have faith. It helps. Anyway, I need to fix this. I cannot bring this kind of baggage into a new relationship. I mean, I'll always have the baggage, but I need to make sure I have a handle on it.

I'm sure as heck not lonely these days. I'm loving the time I'm spending with friends. I'm exhausted and need a week of vacation, but loving the company. For a long time, I've had friends that were impossible to get out of the house. Like me. Hah. Obviously my friends for a reason. I've been getting out with people more and I love it. Good for the psyche. ;)

I'm taking PTO on Friday. I have 500 million things to do and just can't get to them, so I figure I'll just take a day off and get it all taken care of. I imagine I'll feel pretty good once I've taken care of these annoying errands. Ugh. I also need to reorg my closet. It's time to switch out winter and summer clothes. Which reminds me.... I had to get dressed to go to a meeting today and realized I don't have any work clothes that fit. Everything is falling off. Okay, that is an exaggeration. But my clothes are big enough to look sloppy. I ended up wearing some pants I bought last year that I bought too small (they were really tight at the time) and a shirt that was 2 sizes too big. I gave my mom my summer suits last year, and I'm hoping I don't have to ask for them back. I'd feel really bad about that. Maybe I can at least borrow one of the suits.

Do you see that book in the margin? The one about mothers & daughters? My Tracy brought me that. Yeah, she's awesome. *sigh* ........... Anyhoo! I'm on page 60 something and have bookmarked a bunch of stuff to go back and read later. Tracy gave me a bookie and now I'm mad I used it for quotes and sayings instead of using it for baby info. I knew that would happen. This is why it takes me forever to write in new books. I knew I'd do that.

Short One

2006-03-14T17:27:00.000-06:00

Wow, it's been a bit since I blogged, hasn't it? I've been meaning to, but I just don't know what I have to say.

The one week of Spring Break wasn't nearly long enough. I didn't even have time to get really bored. I didn't catch up on any reading. BUT. I did finish my collage! Yay! It's hardly a work of art, but it is done. And I reckon I'm happy with it. I never did finish that Choices card from a couple of weeks ago. I think that my issue with it is that I don't want to be quite that honest with myself. I can't explain that statement, really. I can't decide how wrong it would be for me to put it back in the stack and pull it out later. It's obviously not getting me anywhere. Might as well pick another one and at least accomplish something. Right? Sure. I love cop-outs.

Well, it's time for me to leave for school. I wasn't going to go tonight because I do NOT want to. I'm tired and maybe a little depressed...Not sure. Actually, it's probably just my hormones cuz my friend is due late this week. I shall look joyously upon the day that it is no longer "PMS". Alright...off I go. Just wanted to break my dry spell of blogging to see if I can regain interest.

Fill It Up Again, It's Worth The Rocky Ride

2006-03-06T22:29:00.000-06:00

I think I've found all the pictures for my collage. I finished going through the magazines tonight and feel pretty good about what I have. I bought my poster board last week, so I reckon I'm ready to go. I think I will spend tomorrow night cutting and pasting.

I cannot tell you how excited I am about having no plans this week. I have happy hour on Thursday with Tonya and Tracy, but that shouldn't be an all night thing, so no biggie. Ahhh...Boredom. Yes, please. I don't really have plans this weekend, either, and once again, I'm down with that. I don't suppose I've mentioned how tired and unrested I feel, have I?

One of the things I want to do this week is NOT take the computer to bed. This is actually very difficult for me. I sleep with the laptop in bed with me. I'd also like to get up on time every day this week and catch up on some things that should have been taken care of a long time ago.

I am finding myself having very little patience with people. It seems like some people don't want to create a better life for themselves, and I don't get it. I guess I'm self-righteous these days. Not towards everyone. I'm not saying that. Every now and then someone will say something to me and I just wonder what it is in that person that keeps them from wanting more for his/her self. If you're not happy about something, change it for crying out loud. Yes, change sucks. Lordy. There is nothing in my life that resembles anything from the past. (Well, I have the same cats. And Ruby and Rachel are still my friends. ;) heh. You know what I mean, though, right? ) Why so complacent? If it ain't broke, I'm a big fan of not fixing it. If it's broke, change it and move the hell on. Life is short. I don't intend to spend any more of it being unhappy than I have to.

I think I'm crabby. Think? Angry much? :D

Saw Michele at a birthday party over the weekend. *sigh* I feel that she needs me to be there for her and needs friendship, but I can't do it. There is nothing I can do for her. She is going to have to do this herself, and I can't imagine how lonely that must feel. I'm glad that she is seeking religion. I know spirituality helps people through hard times. It kills me to see her unhappy. I keep wanting to do things for her and help her out and I have to remind myself that it isn't my place.

I'm not much of a giver...I am emotionally draining. (duh) I do think about other folks more than I should sometimes. I have issues saying 'no'. I'm always afraid I will disappoint someone, which......*lightbulb* .... Reeks of insecurity and low self-esteem. Perhaps I think someone would like me less or think less of me if I said, 'no'. Great. One more thing to put on my list of crap to work on. ......I can't stand for people to do things for me. It makes me uncomfortable. I don't like favors and gifts have a tendency to make me squirm. A~, I'm saying all of this because it ties in to what I'm talking about with Michele up there. I can't do anything. My hands are tied. To give to her would be to take from myself, and I am no longer willing.

Anyhoo, my opinion this evening is that when someone or a situation has taken more than you have to give, you need to "Fill It Up Again". And to kill with multiple IG quotes, "The prize is always worth the rocky ride."

I shall end with a gratuitous Indigo Girls lyric. :)

Fill It Up Again, Emily
Won't have you see me as your sad sack
Lost my something and I can't get it back
Or a kill on your trophy rack
I checked my schedule now my train is rolling down a track
...
You've been the hole in my sky
You're my shrinking water supply
Before my well runs dry
I'm going round round round the bend
Fill it up again
...
I gathered up the courage that it took
Made that bed I took one last look
And you could hear the pages flapping
In the wind blown book of my days
You've been the hole in my sky
You're my shrinking water supply
Before my well runs dry
I'm going round round round the bend
Fill it up again

Still Not Working

2006-03-03T20:23:00.000-06:00

How would you feel if you found out the person responsible for your paycheck was drinking while processing it? Just curious.

Alright, so I went to see the PCP this week. Went pretty well. He walked in the room and said, "You've lost weight!". Major Brownie point to Dr. PCP. Yay! My blood pressure is 'ideal' (103 over 68? Does this make sense? Hell if I know.) My EKG was 'perfect'. I'm still too fat, of course, and he still wants me to exercise. The nerve. They took blood and I go back week after next. Yuckyscopy is not on the horizon at this time. There is a God! Actually, we're just waiting on some labs to come back before scheduling. He says maybe I have bugs or something. Isn't that sexy? I know you want me. haha (Actually, everyone has bugs and they are good for you!) He gave me a look because I haven't been to the OB/Gyn yet. He hollered at me for that last year, too. In a nutshell: Me healthy like horse. Strong like ox. *flexes muscles* Now I gotta go to OB/Gyn. Lord. I'm not getting into all the thoughts surrounding that, but it is much more than pointing to a name in the phone book.

I bought a new necklace and I love it. It is a celtic knot and it stands for growth & progress. No wonder those religious people wear crosses all the time. My knot makes me happy and reminds me what path I'm on. This is good. Me likey.

I think I had a rough week. I say "I think" because I'm not sure how much I remember. That's how fun it was. Work blows. School blows.

I Would Rather.....

2006-03-03T20:16:00.000-06:00

Things I would rather do than work on a Friday night when I know my deadline is Sunday night:

Change the sheets on the bed
Laundry
Clean the kitchen
Clean out the refrigerator
Rearrange refrigerator magnets
Spray all things in the apartment with Febreeze
Take out the trash
Wipe down a bathroom (You'll notice I didn't say "clean")
Hang a calendar
Organize my inbox

Finally!

2006-03-01T14:00:00.000-06:00

Scrubs: Season 1: Disc 1

Sent to: Dawn
Arriving on or around: Thursday, Mar 02, 2006

The Power of Choice

2006-02-26T23:31:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I didn't finish my collage last week. I'll work on it again tomorrow or Wednesday. I thought about not pulling a new card this week, but I don't want to lose momentum. I'll just have to do two this week. The collage is labor intensive. Not complaining. Just saying. It will be done. I'll be a little bit embarrassed to have it out where it can be seen since I'm not very creative, but I will do what I need to do.

Okay, so let's see.

Cool. Something I don't need to buy another book for.

"The Power of Choice"
By becoming responsible for the choice we make, we take our destiny into our own hands."

There was also a bunch of stuff about how all the choices we make either keep up repeating patterns or we can make a change.

Now, for the assignment.....dunh dun dunh <---Soap opera sound right before commercial
Ew. Can I put this one back? haha Guess not. I am supposed to pick an area of my life where I want to see a different result. Then I'm supposed to list all the choices I've made the last 12 months that were in opposition to the fulfillment of the desire. Oy. I no likey this card.

Anyhoo, had a great weekend. Friday night Rach, Suzy, JackJack and Tracy came over and we watched a movie. Saturday I went shopping and got my nails done. Saturday night Tracy went to my friend Julie's party with me and got to meet my co-workers. I love that she has social skills and I don't have hold her hand or worry about her every single second she is with my friends. Anyway, today we slept in, went to brunch and then watched movies. Nice and low key. That's what I'm talkin' about.

Hi Mikey!

2006-02-24T00:10:00.000-06:00

Maybe another new reader. Maybe. Mikey. A guy reader! Woo!
Mikey is the bomb, diggity. I'm not sure I knew it when he lived here, but he is my kindred. I remember when Swamp Ophelia came out his favorite song was The Wood Song. :) That's a random factoid, isn't it? heh

Anyhoo, if you're reading, I'm stoked. I love you man, I really love you.

For real, though!

I had a good night. I went roller skating with my new old friend Gayle. Tracy went too and hung out in the snack bar. I maintain that she is humbled by my s.kills. Much bonding, disclosure and laughter ensued. Oh, my, how I love disclosure and bonding. Gayle and I sat on the couch and talked for quite awhile after dinner. It was nice. Why I need so much meaningful conversation is a mystery since my family isn't like that at all.

yawn

2006-02-23T00:46:00.000-06:00

Hello Blog Readers..... Otherwise known as Melody. :) Hi Melody! :)

For some strange reason, I felt the need to blog before bed. Hmm. *shrug*

I've been talking to Michele a lot since the whole, "Are you seeing who I think you're seeing?" conversation. Interestingly enough, the conversations have been decent. I even initiated contact this morning. I was having one of my moments, and I like to spread my craziness evenly over a number of friends so I don't lay too much crap on any one. :) I guess maybe Michele isn't so bad after all. We might even end up being friends.

I have to admit that I am still somewhat disturbed by the article I read yesterday. I question the decision I made in terms of loyalty and commitment. I know that leaving was what I had to do for me and that it was the healthy decision. I know this. I am concerned about my lack of commitment, though. :( Oy. Once again, I wonder if I bail when things get hard. Nasty characteristic, if so. I don't like that a bit. *sigh*

Alright, well, I gotta practice my new sign language words for this week before I finally sleep tonight/this morning.

Talk at ya later, Melody. ;)

~D

Mercy

2006-02-22T16:20:00.000-06:00

You must check out this site.

Must.

www.dailydancer.com

PS.

2006-02-22T11:57:00.000-06:00

Made a Dr. appointment yesterday and made a change to my dentist so I can make my appt March 1. Yay!

Shut The Mind Up

2006-02-21T23:10:00.000-06:00

Well, I do feel a bit better, thanks goodness, but it has been a very heavy day. I got an article from a friend that talked about marriage and how happiness is inside us and that changing who we're with won't change our happiness. Right for the jugular. I didn't get all upset, it's just been hanging out in the front of my mind all day.

The whole school/baby thing may have freaked me out a bit as well, but I sat down tonight during class and made myself a 'master plan' so to speak. Somehow I am pretty much still on target to start trying to conceive one year from NOW. Of course, the whole conception thing will be hit or miss and may take a year or more. I'm not quite cocky enough to think it will be easy. It will be a long, lonely road in my eyes....the whole conception thing. And it will be terrifying if/when I find out there has been a success. Me. Single Mom. Freaking scary. I know it can be done. And when it is time, it is time. It's time for me. I've done everything I really see me doing and it's time for me to move on to diapers, soccer practices, teacher conferences and nights of watching horrid Disney movies. I still have a year to kick it up, and you can bet your bippy I'll be living the next year.
Now that I have that part down, I get to figure out the money part. I have the friend I've known for 10 years that has offered his 'services', but I am a little uncomfortable because I want the sample to be as *clean* as possible. I think you know what I'm saying.
Gads.

But hey, I got something straightened out in my mind which is more I had then when I left for school. I can see I can begin trying this time next year.....This gives a few months of misses until the fall. I totally want an Autumn baby, but that may not be what nature intends. We'll see.

Stupid collage making me all focused and stuff. OY.

For The Love of Pete

2006-02-21T13:04:00.000-06:00

What in Sam Hell is wrong with me today? WTF? I am SO blah. Blah, blah, blah!

I woke up all weirded out about some dreams I had that really weren't disturbing at all. Oy. I just switched out the speakers attached to Pod for my headphones. I think it may be time for intense music therapy. I just had the strangest impulse to play my cornet. Hmm. Um, no. Freaking apartment. And that must be bugging me, too, because I dreamed I was looking at condos with the real estate agent. I wonder how much that guy ended up getting for that house in Lake Worth I wanted so badly. Dammit, I'm discouraged all the sudden.

I said, Kind Friend,
Help me forget where I been
Hey Kind Friend,
Help me remember who I am.
Hey Kind Friend,
Don't know if I'm gonna see you again....
It's okay Friend.
I'm okay Friend.
I said I'm okay, Friend.
I'm okay, Friend.

Fuck.

Ginny

2006-02-21T13:03:00.000-06:00

Today is her birthday.

Just Heard on TV

2006-02-20T22:57:00.000-06:00

Just heard on TV:

I'm gonna get me a new wife. I just love that new wife smell.

No idea what this amused me so.

In Da Head

2006-02-20T22:15:00.000-06:00

I am so in my head tonight. Ugh. Oy. And of course, now that I've opened the Blogger window, I have no recollection what I was thinking of.

Maybe I was going to type about my rare desire to listen to Marilyn Manson this evening. Maybe I was thinking how I filled out one of those surveys that asked "Have you ever used someone" and I said, "Not on purpose" and then I realized that was a lie and felt bad. Maybe I was thinking about how strange it was that I like Manson's song "User Friendly" when this is not at all how my mind works.

Perhaps one of these topics is the ex. Gosh. I have such a hard time blogging about that whole thing. It just sucks, any way you slice it. She called me last night. Each time the phone rings and her number comes up, I just know there is a bucketload of drama on the other end of the line. She kills me. One very large part of me wants to be friends with her, but I just don't know if I can do it. I remember, too often, some of the stuff that happened. I'm sure things will be fine eventually. Eventually. Last night she wanted to know if I am seeing anyone. After I told her yes, she needed to know who and then how long. *sigh* I tried to deter her with the whole "This isn't a healthy topic..." line, but she wasn't biting. I am thinking though, that her knowing that I am seeing someone else means that I am moving on. She needs that. She needs to forgive herself for what she perceives she has done wrong and go on and live her life. I can say that she called me today without there being any crapola. That was refreshing.

Maybe I was gonna complain that my cat peed on something. Stupid cheap cat. I'm gonna smack her up. And I know it was her and not him. I just know.

I'm stoked that Tracy is going to a party with me on Saturday. Yay! Subjection to some of my people! Granted, it isn't my family or anything, but still. Yay.

I've failed to mention there may be two new readers in the house. If so, HELLO Gayle and Julie! Yay! Gayle gets major props because we're going skating on Thursday. At last! A grown up to skate with. Someone else that isn't afraid of making an ass of herself. haha

I know I have more, but I need to get myself to bed.

Fall Down Go "BOOM!"

2006-02-20T19:56:00.000-06:00

I fall down go "Boom" rollerskating on Saturday. My first wipe out.

I went skating with Tonya's niece on Saturday. Finally! Someone played with me. Nevermind she is 9. ha. We had a great time, though. She was pretty funny. We skated, we played ticket games so we could get twinkie bracelets. Fun. Nice reminder that I CAN occasionally deal with kids and that, yep, I want one of those. Sure do.

So, I'm pointing at some kid that just wiped out so Teagan doesn't crash, and somehow I did something goofy and lost my balance. Dude. My legs just came out from underneath me. My butt the floor and then my back. heh. Also fun, I put my hands down and jammed my hand up to my wrist. That smarted pretty bad at the time since it was the hand or wrist or whatever I separated from my ulna and radius. Then I was fine.

Until I woke up on Sunday. Oh. My. God. I am so sore. Hurts to walk. My freakin' ribs hurt. WTF? *sigh* It was hilarious, though. I was laughing so hard. I think Teagan was afraid I was going to be upset or something. Please. I'm sure it would have made a great picture!

In completely unrelated news, my carpal tunnel or whatever is back. I'm hoping the brace thing I bought is for the left hand. I think it is, but I don't remember. It actually really hurts to type, but um. It's either this or listen to lecture. Yes, blogging is fun. :) Will you come rub my arm? Please? *pout*

So, I started my collage last night. I tore out some pictures and stuff. Fun! I already feel more centered. How funny. I had a bit of a light bulb moment and realized I am sucking right now. I gotta get on the ball. I'm sure my health is horrid. I am being bad. I gotta go get my yearly physical with my PCP. I'm gonna have to go to the girly doctor (NO!) and lordy, I might even have to have the yuckyscopy. (NO!) I need to quit thinking about how I don't want to do these things and how I need to do them for the offspring. Waaaaaah! *stomps feet* All right. That's my 'to do' for this week. Dentist appointment and PCP appointment. Whoopie. *sigh* The PCP doesn't bug me. Nor does the dentist. I like the dentist. Well, 'like' is a strong word, but I still haven't got my backcountry teeth fixed.

Well, I think I gotta get out of here. I don't know what this guy is talking about.

McDonald's. Yes, Please.

2006-02-19T16:54:00.000-06:00

OMG, I want McDonald's so bad. Yum.

I am not doing well with the low carb, apparently. :( Who can diet when it is so cold outside? I am freezing and refusing to turn on the heater. I'm still pissed about the $150 electricity bill. Grrrr.

I am not working, nor have I been. I am also not studying or making my collage. I suck.

Dawnism - Week 3

2006-02-19T12:51:00.000-06:00

It's Sunday, which means it is time for me to attend church. You know, the denomination of Dawnism.

I get to pick a new card from my best year kit. Very fun. I'd say my inner child is still doing well. We went roller skating yesterday. (more later) I think I might need to color tonight. I've been wanting to for awhile, and just haven't gotten around to it. Suzy gave me some cool coloring books for my birthday I haven't colored yet. Bad Dawn. Last week's card was the one about having faith. This is a little more challenging for me. I can't say I really did anything, but I can tell you I thought about this card all week and what it means to have faith, so this was a great card. I did force myself to have faith in my instincts regarding a Valentine's Day card. I ending up buying two cards and named them 'faith' and 'fear'. haha Do I get points for that? Oh, I also actually read the chapter in the book. How 'bout that??

Okay, so......Let's see what I get this week.
Oh, no.
Surrender
When we resist any person, situation, or circumstance, we're going against the natural flow of life......When we surrender to our lives exactly as they are at this moment, things begin to change. Surrendering our own will opens up choices and options that were previously hidden from our sight.
Hey, wait. This card sucks. I have to buy another one of her books for the reading assignment. Focker.
Next. *whew* (Will come back to that one later.)

ARGH! I keep pulling out cards that require other books. I see what she is up to. :(

Finally.....

Envision Your Best Life
To live the best year of your life, you first have to identify what you want. You must create a vision.

Assignment

Create a Vision Map for one important area of your life.

OH, SWEET! YES! I got the collage card! YES! I get to cut out pictures and glue them. Woo! Suzy, it's THE card.

Alright, well that is all the time we have for Dawnism at this time. I need to work. Actually, shower, diet coke, and THEN work. I'm not in the mode right now. I need to hurry up and finish, though, so I can work on my collage. Oh, and go to the grocery store. I shall read the accompanying text throughout the week. Go, me.

Just a Bit

2006-02-16T01:14:00.000-06:00

Just a little snippit.

I had lunch with the new boss yesterday. Not real eventful, except that I outted myself AGAIN. It gets so old. This time it was lead by dogs. She wanted to know how I could work for [VP] and not have dogs (VP LOVES dogs). I told her that I had dogs and lost them in a break up. She asked me a couple of questions, and the third time she said, "he" I reached across the table and said, "She. I'm a lesbian." No skip in conversation. I assumed [VP] covered that, but maybe not. *shrug* I also managed to tell the new boss that I am NEVER PC and that work is a very small portion of my life and that I don't work 10 hours a day. Somehow she still loves me.

Cool.

Good God. I have lunch tomorrow. Not such a big deal, sure. Just Tracy, Deb, Pam and I. Oh, wait. Add Tracy's mom. Let's see....those four are either related or have known each other forever... Me. Um, notsomuch. I suppose I'll be very quiet. Jennifer was supposed to go, but she had to cancel. She was going to be my 'buffer' as she put it. None for me. ARGH! Dammit. I'm gonna have to be all sweet or some crazy ass shit like that. ARGH! Tracy must pay. I must have a family function to drag her to. I suppose I shall torture her at my friend Julie's party. As long as I am able to drag her, that is. I am anticipating a BBQ at my grandmother's in March when my uncle comes in from Germany. Revenge will be mine. Ha! Subject her to someone who speaks VERY little English. Ha! Grandparents! Ha! She does speak the language of golf, so the joke may be on me, but we'll see.

Anyway, I think that is all. I want to write something in my new book tonight. Or should I say this morning?

I'll let you know how quiet I am at lunch. haha

Explain to Dawn why I still smell poop after I just scooped the kitty box. I have severe olfactory issues. I'm very sensitive.

Happy Valentine's Day. :D

2006-02-13T22:32:00.000-06:00

I've been blogging in my mind for literally hours.

Argh. My electricity bill is killing me. Tell me how I use $150 a month. *sigh*

Braum's carries meat now? What?

My GOD. What is with this music I'm listening to. It's all about Daddy drinkin' and Momma doing drugs and children being all screwed up. Where are my razor blades? Geez, Louise.

Okay, seriously. I am disgusted with myself. As a Virgo, I am extremely critical. Not just of others, but of myself. I paid a credit card late. Excuse me? Miss Balance-the-checkbook-twice-a-week paid something late? Oh, HELL no. Not acceptable. Oy. I gotta get my ass in gear. I will. I have faith.

HEY! I said I have faith! Someone write that down. FM, you are the one. :) You'll remember me I said that. My conscious and watch dog you are. :-* BTW, no I have not been to that restaurant, but I've heard lots of good things about it. :)

Man, I had a day. You'll notice I didn't say a good day or a bad day. I'm not sure what it was, but I went through a bazillion emotions. <-- that's a bunch! Cried at least 3 times today. Big alligator tears when it was time to kiss JackJack goodbye. Poor little doggy. I'm sure I scared him with all that crying. Broke my heart. Thank goodness I decided against taking partial custody of Ginny. But I gotta tell ya, that JackJack is one heck of a cute puppy. Feels kinda empty around here without him. I must say, though, that I don't think the cats are upset he is gone. heh Spent a good portion of my drive to school being completely and totally pissed off at the ex as I recalled Valentine's Days past. Dang. First Valentine's Day...well, what would have been if she had acknowledged my existence, consisted of a fight. I had moved out of the apartment with Rachel five days before....Rachel came over and we had an ambien and wine and sat on the roof. I passed out, in true Dawn fashion. I can't say all the Valentine's Days were bad. Last year was hard and the year before was absolutely horrid. Let's just say I ended up ordering a pizza and drinking a 6-pack of Zima alone in the living room. Woo-frickin' hoo. Hot diggity dog. I have got to let go of this anger. I have to say that for the most part, I feel like I'm doing pretty good with it. I don't spend all my time looking back. Sure, every now and then I get a little pissed. Today was one of those days. But mostly I'm just amazed by what I put up with and consider it a life lesson. A big one. I'm better for all of it. Pissy at times, but better. :) Oh, shout out to a couple of new readers! Hello Gayle and Julie!! Howdy! It looks like I have someone in Irving, too, but I'm not sure who you are. Howdy. Well, the test today didn't kill me. I managed to get through almost all 4 chapters in the hour and a half before class. I know I passed it. Miraculously. With curve, I will have a very low B, I believe. Though not proud, I am relieved. Based on what I did to prepare, I deserved about a 36. I kill myself sometimes.
My friend Robert sent me a couple of pics tonight. This is me and Jennifer. Me loves her. I forgive her for being straight. How foxy is she? SuperMega. That's how foxy.
This second picture is just funny. Kinda makes me want to post the "Cheesecake" picture of Rachel from prom. he. hehe. hehehe. For some reason my friend gets a kick out of it, so I might as well post it. Maybe someone else out there in the world will get a kick out of it, too. Who knows. I was barely legal here. It scares me he gets such a kick out of it. Should I call the authorities?

Um, I don't think I covered all the stuff that was invading my brain tonight. That is probably a good thing.

Out of Africa

2006-02-12T19:35:00.000-06:00

Have I ever mentioned that I love Meryl Streep? I do. She's like buttah. Out of Africa is on tonight and I've never seen it, so of course I need to watch it. I'm seeing the appeal of the young Robert Redford.

I'm tired and my head kinda hurts. I'd really like to turn in for the night.

2006-02-12T18:44:00.000-06:00

Help. I could not be less interested in Cognitive Psych. What the hell is my problem? 24 hours before the test, and I'm still not inspired to learn anything. I have a feeling I'll just have to bomb this test in order to get motivated. Not good. I have my math test on Tuesday, but I'm not all that worried about it. I just need to cram a formula or two into my brain and I'll be fine. I'll deal with that tomorrow night and Tuesday at lunch. Had I been thinking, I would have taken tomorrow off. I like to take off a day for school sometime during the semester.

JackJack sat on first request a few mintues ago! I was so proud of him. So smart! We also started 'down' tonight, but I'm guessing I won't get to 'leave it' or 'come'. JackJack and I both have short attention spans. He is such a good doggy. He doesn't bark. Except when he sees himself in the mirror, and even then it is cute, not obnoxious. He is really good with his puppy pads. For his age, anyway. I did have to get on to him once for pooping on the floor and he did pee on my bathmat, but still...he is a really good puppy for his age. Oh, and he doesn't bother my cats, which they thoroughly appreciate.

Found a new duvet at Linens 'n Things. On clearance. Yay! I bought one a couple of months ago that is flannel and it's a total cat hair magnet. Of course, I expected this, but the thing on my bed was insufferable.

I think my pork chops are ready. See, I'd even rather cook than study. *tsk tsk*

Little Distraction

2006-02-12T14:37:00.000-06:00

I will do anything to avoid studying. Right now I am engrossed in Little House on the Prairie. I always wanted to name my daughter Caroline after Laura's mom. Thought it was a nice name. She could go by Cara. :) Then my aunt named her daughter Carole. Oops. So much for that.

Should I ever finish reading Chapter 1, I'm gonna have me a Coke Float. I've been wanting one for days, and my weekend off the Atkins is almost over. I hope this is the jump start I need, cuz I've been feeling icky for several days now. Ugh.

I have yet to come up with anything for my "Faith" card where I'm supposed to determine where fear is holding me back and I should have more faith. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, is it? heh

Aww. All the townschildren are collecting tin and iron for the town bell. *sigh* What a great show. They brought all their toys to the blacksmith to be melted. *sniffle* Sure is a little bell. Mmmm. Bread. Ma made bread.

I slept until 2 today. About 13 hours of sleep. Yucky. Dawn tired.

NyQuil Rocks

2006-02-11T23:22:00.000-06:00

Howdy.

I've been feeling a little crappy the last 24 hours or so. Just wiped out. I slept for 12 hours last night and still barely stayed awake during my test review. I'm sitting here with JackJack watching tv and eating vitamin C. No time for sick right now....I have two tests this week. One Monday and one Tuesday. Doesn't sound so bad except that I haven't cracked the Cog. Psych book. During the test review session the TA says the class is a GPA killer. Wonderful. *sigh* So, I guess I know what I'm doing tomorrow.

Ahh. I'm getting a little groggy. I took NyQuil tonight. I must sleep and sleep hard.

Okay, let's check out my "Best Year of Your Life" card for the week. Last week was the inner child, and I have to say, I really don't think she is suffering. I could have done better for her last week, but I think if I feed my inner child any more, I'll quit showing up for work. That would be bad. Well, by showing up I mean walking down the hall.
*drum roll please*

Ugh. "Have Faith". "Identify an area in your life where you're being held back by fear." Great, I'm actually going to need to think on this one.

I was hoping to have a decent entry tonight, but I need to pass out now. *yawn*

Not Annoyed

2006-02-11T09:30:00.000-06:00

Oh my gosh. Sleep.

I must have passed out a little after 11 last night. I felt like I had taken an ambien, but nope. Not even a drop of alcohol last night. I slept so hard. *yawn* You know, maybe I'll go back to sleep for awhile. I don't have any plans until my test review at 2.

I woke up with a puppy next to me. A cute puppy. My cats are NOT impressed by JackJack. Quite pissed. Goofy cats. Especially since JackJack hasn't even approached them.

I'm cold. I think I should go back to sleep. :)

Annoyed

2006-02-10T21:59:00.000-06:00

I'm so frackin' annoyed.

Annoyed, I say.

Exes are a beating. A huge beating. I'm supposed to hang with Michele tomorrow. She called me tonight and said Helen wants for Michele and I to come over tomorrow afternoon. I said no, which was apparently very confusing. Patti & Helen were our only couple friends. I'm just not comfortable hanging out with Michele and Helen. I don't want for anything to seem like it was, and I don't trust Michele not getting caught up in a moment. Also, what positive could come from that interaction? Um, none. And after the conversation I had with her tonight, I'm not sure I'm seeing any positive in hanging out with her tomorrow. *sigh*

Return to Innocence

2006-02-10T08:56:00.000-06:00

For some reason, I'm digging this more than usual this morning.

RETURN TO INNOCENCE (Enigma)

Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

Return To Innocence

Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Don't be afraid to be weak,
Don't be too proud to be strong.
Just look into your heart, my friend,
That will be the return to yourself;
The return to innocence

If you want, then start to laugh.
If you must, then start to cry.
Be yourself; don't hide,
Just believe in destiny.
Don't care what people say,
Just follow your own way.
Don't give up and lose the chance
To return to innocence.

That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence.
©1993 Enigma

Thirsty.

2006-02-06T15:44:00.000-06:00

I am thirsty. The refrigerator is far. I have a cat in my lap.

I need a haircut. Since I started wearing it down it has become more knappy. I have knappy-head.

I went roller skating again this weekend. How fun. I wish I would go every weekend. I think it's really good for the soul. Good for the body, too. When I stood up to go in the kitchen a few minutes ago, my left thigh really hurt. I limped. haha

Do you see this picture? This is Jackie, Rachel and Suzy's new puppy. I call him JackJack. I get to babysit this weekend! Yay! I do not think I will be returning JackJack. I've been a bad friend and haven't met JackJack, yet. I saw his picture for the first time today and shed a couple of tears. He looks just like my baby girl. JackJack and I are gonna have the best time. We're gonna go to the park and to PetSmart. I'm going to feed him stuff he's not supposed to eat. I'm gonna teach him to sit. Or attempt to. And when Suzy comes to pick him up, I'm going to hide him in my closet and tell her he ran away. I already love hims. I will put him in my purse and we will go everywhere together. For two days, anyway. Mine. JackJack MINE.

Had a kick ass time at Tonya's SuperBowl party last night. I even managed to watch a good 15 minutes of the game. I most likely spent most of the party making a giant ass out of myself as I usually do when I'm inebriated. Unfortunately, I think most of the people at the party have only seen me when I'm drunk. They still talk to me, so I must not be tooooo horrid. haha At least the liquid courage makes me friendly.

Did I ever mention how friggin' cool the Gretchen Wilson concert was? I don't think I did. First of all, Gretchen is smokin'. Second of all, she has a great voice. Kinda hard to tell sometimes with the type of music she sings, but she did a couple of really good covers. It was fabu.

I've been having a bucketload of fun lately. Bucketload. That is a lot, ya'll. ;) I have everything I need and more. I have come to the conclusion that I am the luckiest person to ever live. Still paranoid I'm manic, but oh well. Lucky am I. *sigh* *looks off into space* I don't know if I've ever felt this kind of happy. Not for more than a couple of days, anyway. I'm so calm. Peaceful. Every single night I take a peek at the stars. It's become a new thing for me. I find the Little Dipper and then continue whatever I'm doing. I really hope to learn constellations some day.

Okay, so the song I've been listening to way too much is Everything I Need. I want to learn to sign it. Mostly because it will be easy. haha I've got the chorus, at least. Hmm. I am seeing now this really isn't something to be all that proud of. Oh well. It makes me happy, and that is good enough.

Cause everything I need
Is right here in my hands
Right here in my hands
Right here in my hands

Let's see. I said I'd learn 5 words a week. I'm gonna tally up tonight in class and see how I'm doing. I caught myself signing at someone in the bar Saturday night. haha Just a word. I think I did it again yesterday, but I may have dreamed it.

Speaking of the bar.... I think I'm being converted to bar trash. ;) I went out last weekend. Then Thursday night was Chick's Happy Hour and I went out again this Saturday. Oy. That's weird, hunh? I like standing around and watching people. People are hilarious.

Off I go. I must shower.

No Ferrick.

2006-02-03T12:42:00.000-06:00

Well, I have failed miserably to find a date for Ferrick, so it looks like I won't be going after all. I can't decide if I'm bummed or relieved. What this means is that I have no plans tomorrow and I can lounge around and watch movies. Catch up on some housekeeping. Make passionate love to my iPod. Oh, I know. Maybe I could do my homework or read a chapter in that Cog. Psych book. That might be good. A nice low key weekend. ahhhhh. Yes, please.

Goodness, my belly hurts today. Shit. I'm gonna have to go to the Dr, aren't I? Oy.

In other news: 184.5 This would make me the thinnest I've been since.... Wow. Long time. Scary. Maybe the late 90s?

The Longest Time

2006-02-02T07:09:00.000-06:00

Did you know that Billy Joel sang all parts of The Longest Time? He sang all parts seperately and then laid the tracks on top of one another. Very cool song. Wonder if he performs this song live? How cool would it be to see Billy Joel in concert?

Feeling dramatic.

2006-02-02T00:50:00.000-06:00

When Tracy and I saw Gretchen Wilson a couple of weeks ago Blaine Larsen opened for her. The cutest little boy. I can't remember how old he is, but I think it is around 21. At the most. Anyway, this song made me really sad. How Do You Get That Lonely. I know I'm redundant. I just know where I've come from..... I know how you get that sad. Death seems so much easier sometimes. Like why do you exist? They say suicide is selfish, but unless that someone knows how bad it hurts to live, how can one say it is selfish? That's not fair. Look, I'm not suicidal now, but if I were....... Dammit. Why should I live for you? Sucks. If my life is a piece of shit, what is the point in living it for someone else? When you figure this out, let me know.

"I said we pray.
pray...
oh yeah, we pray....
just to make it today."
~MC Hammer

Love, Man.

2006-02-02T00:27:00.000-06:00

I fucking love my iPod.

You could have steam train...
if you'd just lay down down your tracks
you could have an airplane flying
If you bring you blue sky back
All you do is call me,
I'll be anything you need.

I've been meaning to blog all day, but believe it or not, I've been working. No, really. Don't be a smart ass. I have.

Mom asked today if I need an iA meeting. (iPod Anonymous) I do. I haven't been this enthralled by anything since my last post. ;) Seriously. I can't name the last time something made me his happy. Well. Er.

haha

We'll be nice. ;)

I am the fucking happiest to ever happy around.

Shaddup. Let us never speak of this again.
Until tomorrow, when I brag again.

Why do the cats run when I sing? Damn cats.

Did I mention to ya'll that some chick bought me a beer at the other day? Weirdest damn thing ever. I got a free hot dog the other day, too. This leads me to believe that wearing my hair down is a good thing. I don't get this. My hair is a frizzy friggin' mess. Whatevah. If I get hit on and free hot dogs, I will do whatever is asked. I'm cheap like that. What cha gonna do?

I hate school this semester. And it's not even so much that I hate it. It's that I don't give a rat's ass. I'm sick of it. Sick of showing up. I've been doing this shit for....um...how long, FM? My GOD. At least five years now. I'm treading water. I'm just tired. I know what I want out of my future, and it's within my grasp....makes this harder by the day. I actually had to repeat my proposed daughter's name to myself the other day in order to get to school. I just know this is what she needs. Otherwise, I think I might just forget it for now. I'm tired.

Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm <--- Crash Test Dummies

2006-01-31T17:09:00.000-06:00

Off I go to my institute of higher learning. Gotta try to do my homework before class starts. Oops. Unfortunately, there is no opportunity for inernet tonight, but if you're up and about say around 10:30 look me up. It's Ambien night again.

When my brother got online this morning, I actually had to ask him if we talked last night, and if I had said anything weird. Dude. I was jacked up last night. Never did drink my cognac. It'll be there tonight. And I've been looking so forward! DERN!

:(

2006-01-31T08:56:00.000-06:00

I dreamed about Ginny last night. I have been missing my children a lot lately. A lot. Even Darcee. ;) I miss them so much I can't even blog anymore about it. :(

Ambien no friend tonight.

2006-01-31T00:08:00.000-06:00

Ambien night not so much my friend right now. People keep talking to me. And I haven't even started my cognac. Oooo. I want ice cream so bad. It's cold in here. I was burning up when I got home. I want company to come play with me.

Whoa, I can't do this. I chat at you tomorrow!

~D

La, La, LaLaLa, LaLaLaLaLa <-- Smurf theme

2006-01-30T20:20:00.000-06:00

Thanks to the person sitting next to me in Cognitive Psych, I am now configured for wireless access in class. You know what this means? It means I sit here and do whatever it is I would have been doing at home anyway. Like blog.

There is something I've been meaning to blog about, but now that I have time to do it, I can't remember what it is. I'm sure that whatever it was, it was deep and meaningful. Just sure of it.

New rule. Someone is required to be online Monday nights to entertain me through this class. Is this too much to ask?

The VC Andrews book is not good. I can't make it through it, and I'm refusing to read ANYTHING else until I do so. As a result, I haven't been reading anything at all. I suppose I should give up. I'll just feel like such a traitor throwing in the towel. I suppose I should have quit reading that trash years ago. Perhaps I should move on to the juicy lesbian novel Suzy influenced me to buy.

I haven't busted Michele reading this lately, so either she's gotten crafty or knocked it off. I'm not sure why I have such an issue with her digging around in my blog; it's actually very stupid.

Last weekend, I was hanging out with one of Ruby's friends after we had gotten Ruby and Jessica to bed. I was sitting on the couch with her and she said some things to me that really shocked me. I can't remember word for word, thanks to the ASC, but I do know she said she thinks of me as a very strong woman and that she admires me. I hope I didn't give her a funky look because I was really shocked to hear this. How can that be someone's opinion of me? I'm one french fry short of a happy meal. I'm sure she knows that it took me forever to leave, since I was moved out when I saw her last year as well. It just struck me. I wonder what my definition of a strong woman is? Do I not think I'm strong because I got myself into that situation in the first place? Because I trusted when I shouldn't have?

Digress: And speaking of trust..... I still trust. What is up with that? You'd think I'd learn, but I don't seem to have as many trust issues as I thought. Perhaps I am well medicated? Medication can't fix everything, so I'm not sure that can be it. This makes me think I'm a dumbass. Or not. I had some reason for not trusting Michele besides the drinking. I caught her in several lies, but didn't call her on it. I took note of these things. I didn't think for one moment she would cheat on me. That's not her style. It is her style, however, to believe something isn't a lie based on a technicality. For example....perhaps a technicality that we weren't 'together', but 'hanging out'. It can't possibly be cheating if you're not together, right? Mmm Hmmm. Now, I'm not saying this is necessarily something that occured. Just an example of a technicality. Which, BTW.....how long were we hanging out, anyway? Great Scott. We met in July. Had lunch in September... The next August, we went to San Francisco, but were STILL hanging out. Um. Hunh? Yes, I'm obviously bothered by this. I want to know why my self esteem was so low that I coached her that I would accept that type of treatment. Very sad.

Anyhoo, in an effort to tie that together.....If I am a strong person now, I was not then. Proof that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Hear me roar. Or not.

Why isn't anyone online? I'm dying here!

Good Weekend

2006-01-30T10:49:00.000-06:00

I had the most awesome weekend. Unparalleled.

I went to a kick ass Stars game on Saturday with a co-worker. We had friggin' awesome seats. Modano scored the winning goal during the shootout. Which, by the way, I don't think is fair to say. What about the other 2 guys who scored during the shootout? Why does Modano get all the glory when the other two did the same thing? *shrug* Whatever. I don't know jack about hockey. Then, Saturday night I went out to a bar with Tracy, Tonya and Renee. I seriously thought I was gonna fall asleep standing up before I left for the bar. I was a little subdued, but I get that way when I'm in a new place. I don't like new places.

Oh! And some of Michele's friends were there. Ew. I was uncomfortable for a few minutes because I was afraid they would ask me questions, but they didn't. Well, one did, but that was after I walked up to her and asked how she was, etc. I have got to contact Patti & Helen, but once again, I fear questions.

Mom and I are going to see Sheryl Crow. We got pretty decent seats. That'll be cool.

I'm supposed to go to Houston this coming weekend and I SO do not want to go. Thinking about my schedule this week KILLS ME. KILLS me. Dawn so tired. Mom called me this morning and mentioned something about picking me up on Friday. I was all, "hunh?" Dad's birthday dinner. I knew about dinner, but not about her picking me up. Saturday = Houston Sunday = Super Bowl party. Monday, Tuesday = school. Somebody call the waaaaaambulance!

I'm out of Diet Coke, cheese and cat food. When the HELL am I supposed to go to the store? *stress*

Random question. If someone told you, "You'll be a great catch in two years," would you take this as a compliment or no? I'm thinking this is not a compliment. Does this mean I'm not a great catch now?

Dawn hungry. She not want to eat. As soon as I eat, my stomach will hurt. I guess I haven't complained about this in awhile. We'll keep it like that. *next subject*

Er.

Still loving the nameless iPod.

Ouch! Just burned myself with chicken juice. I jumped up and down and everything. Looks like I'm going to live, though.