Dawn's Digression.

Been Awhile.

2009-05-01T21:18:00.002-06:00

So. Hi!

I got pregnant in April. If you're reading this, you already know my beautiful baby boy, John Alexander. He was named after our brothers. I hope I pick up blogging again. I could use the outlet, but this is it for now. He's beautiful and being a mother is harder than I ever could have known.

I'd do it again.

Bummer.

2007-03-11T20:03:00.000-06:00

Our sperm donor has decided he won't be donating to us anymore. Something about how he would be missing important times in the child's life and then something about how this is an exciting time in his life. Something like that. Tracy is a million times more upset than I am. It takes a lot for someone's behavior to shock me. This didn't do it. I'm annoyed, though. Here I am about 10 days before ovulation and having to get set up with a sperm bank so that I don't miss a cycle because he "changed his mind".

I'm trying to be upbeat. For the most part, I'll say my attitude is good. For the most part. ;) There are some advantages of a sperm bank over a known donor. One of the disadvantages is, of course, cost. Genetic material. All of that.

I thought I had something to say, but I guess I don't.

Here's to hoping the bank can process our info at the speed of light and to a good try in March.

Yay For March!

2007-03-07T20:41:00.000-06:00

Well, February was not our month. So, I made a list of things to do until I am knocked up or things to be grateful for:

Drink wine. I want to try a new wine every week.
Use the hot tub.
Eat badly.
Scoop the cat box. (Um. Maybe that is something I shouldn't look forward to. I'm sure Tracy will appreciate it, though.)
Be selfishly self-centered.
I can use this time to lose a pound or two.
One more month of symptom-free classes
One more month of quiet time with Tracy. We're only a year into this relationship, so now we have at least one more month to enjoy the honeymoon.
Take Xanax.
Take Aleve
Get my abs in better shape. I think the reason why my back has been hurting is because my abs are so weak. This is not good. I would like to have my core in better condition before being pregnant.

I love Spring Break. I wish every week was Spring Break. ;) I feel so much more relaxed. This is pretty silly since it is only two nights of class, but it makes a difference. I can't say I've done much that was useful this week. Drank some wine. Watched some TV. Did some laundry. Went to the gym.

I've been to the gym 3 times this week. This sounds good, but twice was today. The first time I went today was to meet with a trainer. The second time I went for pilates class, but it had been moved to Tuesday. :( I was sad. So I did 20 mins of cardio and then I went next door and got my nails and eyebrows done. Why not? It's only about me a little bit longer. I might as well enjoy these little things.

Oh! I went to the acupuncturist this morning. She poked me for anxiety. I didn't feel the needles, but I could feel burning around where she put them in. Groovy. I have an appointment with the chiropractor on Saturday. The doctor told me that something in my spine effects some nerves or something somewhere and she can do something and make me more fertile. I pretty much think "whatever". My insurance pays for it. I increased my insurance coverage for this year to cover a MiniMe, so I might as well use it, yes? Sure. Why not. I've never been to the chiropractor.

Suzy came over for lunch yesterday, and I had the best time ever. I hadn't seen her since...November, I think. This is a damn shame because I love hanging out with Suzy. She is easy to be with and fun. She positive, funny and smart....all things I enjoy being around. Quite a change from that dinner I went to a couple of weeks ago. :)

So, I'm doing good. We were bummed about the baby thing, but didn't cry or anything. Just said, "Well, here we go again!" We're working on attracting the baby to us. He/she will come when it is time. I just hope the time is soon! Relatively soon.

Pilates Hurts

2007-03-01T09:20:00.000-06:00

I went to dinner with friends the other day. It felt like 3 hours of hanging out with Debbie Downer from SNL. Lord have mercy. I tell you what, the world sure is a miserable place when you set it up that way. Apparently, the entire world is against this couple. Good things come to others, but not to them. I think they need to watch The Secret. (Not that I have, but I have it and intend to. haha) You attract what you exude. I've been having mood issues. I've been listless. Which is part of the reason why we were out with them. I've been really bored and needing human interaction. Hanging out with them did not help my mood all that much.

This reminds me. I haven't been writing down 3 things I'm grateful for each day. I even have a journal just for that. Yikes. This journal says to come up with 5. I have to up my daily dose of gratefulness! ;)

I joined a health club last week. I am sadly, sadly out of shape. I've gained back every ounce of weight I've ever lost and I feel grody. When I was there Tuesday night, a Pilates class was starting, so I thought "What the heck?" and joined in. Oh, my. What a pitiful display of flexibility and strength. I have zero of either. I was shaking and kept having to sit out parts of the exercise. I just couldn't do it. It must be exactly what I need, though, because my entire midsection is sore. I hurts to laugh or cough. This may explain why my back has been hurting. My abs are just too weak. Boo hiss. But. I intend to go back every Tuesday for as long as I can. Tomorrow is yoga, and I haven't decided if I feel brave enough for that. I suppose I should probably go.

I have my second and last midterm tonight. I do not feel good about it at all. If I'm pregnant before school starts in summer, I'm not going to go. I have zero motivation and as soon as I see that positive, I know that my mind will be anywhere except school. It already is. I may elect to not take classes in summer even if I have conceived. I only have a few classes left, so I don't worry about me not finishing. I've worked too hard for too long at this point. But maybe I need a break. I haven't had a semester off in a couple of years. Besides, I need to enjoy what is left of quiet time with Tracy.

I've been extraordinarily cranky the last week or so. I haven't been this cranky in literally months. I'm acting on the assumption that my hormones are just out of whack and have been keeping it in check. I'm not really irritable to outsiders, but poor Tracy has been irritating the crap out of me. She isn't doing anything differently or acting differently. Every little thing just makes my head want to explode. Very annoying. I'm making myself crazy. This too shall pass, though! I'm not concerned. Just irritated. haha

An Ounce of Gratitude

2007-02-21T21:31:00.000-06:00

Over the last couple of months I've fallen away from my Debbie Ford a little bit. I am working my way back there. Not as quickly as I should, but I will get there.

I was just watching Oprah and she was talking about how when you are truly happy for others, their successes become yours, too. You vibrate at a higher level when you focus on positives instead of negatives. I see how this is true. I've spent a long time being jealous about what other people have. So and so has money. So and so is skinny. So and so has the perfect yadda yadda. God, how defeating! A subtle change in my attitude has made a huge difference.

Example. I saw a high school friend last weekend. I was always jealous of her. Thin, pretty, smart, popular....And I expected the same feelings when I went to see her after 13 years. But there was none of that. I watched her perform in her band. She was smiling at her husband and looked like she was having the best time. She looks happy! I caught myself smiling. I realized that instead of jealousy, I felt an enormous amount of peace to see that she had grown up happy. She's still thin, pretty, smart and bet you a case of Diet Coke she is more financially well off than I am. She also has a Master's Degree. And I think, "Good for you". I am honestly thrilled for her. I'm also thrilled for me. Her life is different from mine. Not better! I am grateful for my blessings. And I am grateful for the hard times that got me to the place I am right now. Right here on our bed in the house of the most amazing woman I have ever met in my life. And not only do I think she's amazing, I think she thinks I'm pretty great, too.

I hope I reme mber this. :) If there are times when I don't, I will come back and read this because it is all true. I also need to remember to enjoy other's successes and happiness. It really does make a difference.

The Return of the Digressions?

2007-02-12T21:37:00.000-06:00

I've had the blog on 'lock down' for about a week. I did this because I thought I was going to blog about some things that I'm not ready to share with the world at large. It's in my nature to share, and not being able to write or talk about what is on my mind feels like strangulation. So, I changed my mind. I'm going to share and hope I don't regret it later on. :)

Things are good. Really good. We got new carpet. The animals are good. The house is good. The family is good. Work is good (well, as good as work can be!). The relationship is great. I have to remind myself sometimes that things can be good and I don't have to wait for something to go wrong. Maybe it never will! Who knows.

I quit taking one of my medications back in November because Tracy and I have decided to start a family and Trileptal is not a drug you can take while pregnant. I've noticed some subtle differences, but nothing to be concerned about. I'm a tad more moody, and I've had some mini bouts of mild depression. The moments of hopelessness have been few and far between and I am very thankful for that. I've just been coping with the moods as they come and remembering that it is only a mood and will pass. As of right now, I would say I will not go back on the Trileptal unless my symptoms get much worse in the future. I think I'm handling it fine without the chemicals.

I'm trying not to get too worked up about trying to conceive. My cycle sent me for an ugly loop this month and it is looking as though I won't be ovulating this cycle. There goes one month of trying. Because of my odd cycle this month, I'm wondering if last month was an anovulatory month as well. This throws a little wrench in the plans, but certainly nothing to get worked up about, yet. I'll just keep peeing on sticks and hoping for that second line that says I'm about to ovulate to appear. I suppose the longer it takes to conceive, the further I will be along in my schooling.

Last week, Tracy told one of her friends about us TTC and her friend told us that they had been trying as well, but are on a break right now due to the massive expenses involved. It was really nice to be able to talk to someone who knew exactly what I was talking about.

I'm very grateful that Tracy has wonderful friends. Between the two of us we have a great support structure, which is amazing. Sometimes you find friends in places that you never thought you would and sometimes you lose friends that you didn't think you would. Rachel has decided that she no longer wants to be my friend. I don't recall all her reasons, but in a nutshell her reason is that I'm a mean negative bitch. Tracy and I talked about this. I read her the email Rach sent and asked her if she perceived me to be the things Rachel said. Tracy said that she doesn't see that in me, but maybe that is who I am around Rachel. Rachel does bring out a few things in me. None of this is her fault, it is just leftovers from the dynamics of our past relationship. Based on the things she said to me, I don't like who I am when I am with her. And I don't want to be that person. Rachel did what she needed to do, and I don't fault her for it at all. I think things could have been handled differently, but hindsight is always 20/20. A very sad result of this 'parting of ways' is the impact it has had on my relationship with Suzy. Or I should say the relationship I had with Suzy. I love Suzy to death and hate that we are barely able to speak anymore because of Rachel. That totally sucks.

A really good friend at work found out she was pregnant about two week ago. I've had a ton of fun talking to her about her pregnancy and sharing the info I have with her. We laugh all the time at the things I have to tell her about being pregnant and getting pregnant. In her case, the pregnancy was a surprise, and she has no idea how the whole conception thing works. So what does she do? She asks me. The lesbian who is not and has never been pregnant. Just way too funny.

I Gots A New Name

2007-02-12T21:30:00.000-06:00

I went ahead and posted that post because I've lost one too many long posts in the last few years and I am not interested in re-typing. Nope.

I changed my last name to Tracy's! I have finally gotten rid of that stinky surname that I have no connection to or affection for. So, when the time comes that it is decided I'm going to be a momma, we will all have the same last name. Ain't that cute? The fact that I've changed my name seems to have confused a lot of people. I guess people don't realize that you can change your name to anything you want to. I could have changed my name to ShaNaeNae, and that would have been perfectly fine and legal. One person asked me if this meant we were getting married. One person wanted to know if she had to go to court with me since I took her name. Somebody couldn't understand how we could have the same last name and not be married. Um. Two different legal processes, people. And it ain't legal for lesbians to marry in Texas. When I've told people that we do not have wedding plans, they seem somewhat taken aback. I would marry Tracy in a heartbeat and would probably cry like a little girl. However, I don't feel like I have anything to prove. I love Tracy with all my heart and I will rub her head every night until one of us passes (and God, I hope I go first).

I'm a completely different person since I've been with Tracy. Not as negative. I've learned to look for the blessings in things that really aren't all that great. I'm finding the ever-elusive silver lining and I'm diggin it.

I'm not going to lie and say I'm not disappointed about my cycle this month. My little heart is all broken. My due date would have been my Granny's birthday. There is still hope, I'm gonna keep on peeing on sticks until Tracy sends me to a twelve step program for pee sticks.

Oh! Remember my friend from Sprint? McJenny? Her twins are due in July!!!
How exciting.

I apologize to anyone who reads this and wishes I had told them in person. It's not like I'm announcing a pregnancy or anything....just that one may be coming soon. There was one gal that I was worried about sharing the information with, but she made it easy for me.

Debbie

2006-12-07T21:52:00.000-06:00

I did an odd thing last month.

I went to a Debbie Ford seminar. Completely outside my realm of the possible and essential. I learned some stuff, though, and I'd love to go again. My mom went with me which was both amazing and odd. They suggested we work together for a few exercises, and I was completely uncomfortable. For one exercise, I was so uncomfortable I cried and thought about telling the assistants I couldn't do it. I did it. I didn't want to. I don't guess it turned out so bad.

I haven't been practicing my DF, lately. A million excuses, which is all they are. I found additional strength while I was at the seminar to use my voice, but have since lost it. I'm too afraid of others' approval, which is f'ing ridiculous if I may say so. And even if I mayn't. (hehe. that a word?) I felt incredibly motivated and like I had found my 'gift'. Notsomuch. How is it that I get so beaten down? So stupid. Argh. Oy. All that.

Looks like Tracy will be coming to bed soon, so I'm gonna have to go. It's just too weird blogging with someone sitting next to you.

I had a dream about a high school reunion the other day. A few of my old friends and acquaintances were there. Stephanie, Madison, Melissa, Julie. Had a freakin' weird dream about Julie now that I think about it. She was playing her flute, and I was trying to watch her do runs, but she wouldn't let me or something. Odd.

Uh oh. Here she is. I'm a pumpkin!

Poopy Post

2006-12-07T21:34:00.000-06:00

Well, Hi.

It's been so long since I posted, I figure I've lost most of my audience. I don't mind. I imagine Melody and Madison might check here at some point, but I'm cool with that.

I had a dream about Michele last night. She wasn't really dead, she had just been 'away' or whatever. I was talking to her and I asked her, "So, what are you doing? I mean, how are you doing anything? They took all your stuff! You don't have anything anymore." I can't remember her reply, but the dream was disturbing enough for me to blog about it. In the dream, I went to spend some time with her (It seems like it was early morning, like about 4am) and Tracy got really mad at me. Threatened or something. My grief over Michele dying has never been about "but we could have been....". *thinking*

*thinking*

I think about what we could have had if things had been different years ago, but there was no turning back in the last couple of years. She lost all the trust I had.

My grief is about, "what a tragedy". I thought about her parents a lot on Thanksgiving. How did they spend their first holiday without her? Then I remembered how she felt so betrayed by them and I get mad. But they did the best they could, just like I did. I miss her sometimes. I've found recently that the memories I have aren't always of the really bad times. Sometimes they are of the sweet, romantic things she did for me that we all know I am such a fan of.

Michele made me who I am, and I will always owe her that. She made me the mean callous bitch. The mean callous bitch that understands and knows what there is to be grateful in for in life. The one that sees there is an upside. I know how to be grateful for all the intricacies that make Tracy Tracy. It's the tiny things I see, now.

A couple of months ago, Tracy and I had to drop my car off for an oil change. It took awhile for me to check in and be ready to go for breakfast. When I got back in the car, I apologized and Tracy looked at me like I was a mental case. You see, something like this would have started a fight with Michele.

I've learned a lot about myself and what it means to be me. I absolutely abhor that I left Michele, but this tells me I have some strength about me and I can say "enough is enough".

Not too long ago, someone insinuated that I thought I was over her dying. Ha. I didn't bother to correct that person, but I was insulted. Like how stupid does he/she think I am? The death of someone I loved and MARRIED and I think I'm over it in 3 months? Seriously? That is the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard. I was genuinely offended by that. If there is someone reading this who has been in these shoes, or even a relative of these shoes, give me a shout, because that is horse shit. Leaving her or not, I had implied responsibilities and I'm going to assert that unless you've had the experience you don't have a damn idea how it feels.

I think this is something I'll be dealing with for a long time. I also think "So what?" It is freaking expected, and it is okay. It is a trauma, as many life events are.

Long Time No Blog

2006-10-10T10:16:00.000-06:00

Melody says I need to post because she gets angry everytime she sees that last one. So, I guess I'll post.

I got a hair cut. It's okay. I don't hate it. Mom says it makes me look younger. I don't need any help with that, but I'm not complaining. The one thing I'd like you to notice about this picture is that you can see my eyes. Woo hoo!

Tracy and I had a party on Sunday. Good Lord. First off, I need to give some major props to my woman. Tracy has been cleaning her tail off and the house looks marvelous. We're going to try our hardest to see how close we can keep it to this. We shall see. Anyway, Tracy counted 44 people that showed up. The first couple of hours of the party were NO FUN. None. It would have helped if we had all the food ready, but we didn't. This is largly my fault for not thinking ahead to how much work that part would be. Lesson learned. Either A) make people bring stuff or B) do not offer food. I'll buy some chips and a veggie tray and throw it out. There ya go. But this whole sandwich thing beat my ass down. I'm sad because I really didn't get to talk to my friends that were here. That sucks! The party got better, though, once I had the food out. I was finally able to have a glass of wine sometime around half time of the Cowboys game. So, I think the party went well. I think.

Tracy is amazing. She's great. I can't figure out what I've done to deserve her, but I am thankful. I am very happy living with her. The first couple of weeks were quite difficult for me. Not because of her, but because I was adjusting. Still am, but I'm starting to get an idea of how she likes to do things. We're still feeling each other out on some of those ordinary household things. We're also learning what we mean when we say something. Like if one of us is being smart ass or is actually serious. Just one of those things in young relationships. I just can't figure out why she hasn't been permanently snatched up, yet. Again, I'm thankful, but confused. Perhaps her head will start to spin in a couple of months... I don't know. She's the best, though. This is a picture of us at a Rangers game a few weeks ago. I actually went to 3 Rangers games this year. Add my hockey games to that, and this is my sportiest year EVER. EVER. haha

This reminds me. I am grounded from hockey. Live hockey, anyway. I kinda spent too much money on tix last season and Tracy has asked if we can not do that this season to save money. I'm down with that. I shall miss my hockey, though. It just isn't the same on TV. Not even half as entertaining. In an effort to get myself more excited, I've started playing fantasy hockey. This is mostly stupid because I don't have a clue what I'm doing. I just thought it might be a groovy thing to check out. As of last night my team is in place 11 out of 12, so I'm excited. Anything that isn't last place is a freaking miracle. haha I'm also playing Fantasy Survivor. My tribe has been coming in dead last. I'm hoping I made up some ground last week. I hope.

Let's see.... what else. Um. School. School is okay. Not doing real well in my Stress Management class, which I think is a total hoot. Okay, there is a lot of pitiful in there, too, but still. Who makes a bad grade in Stress Management? haha Oy. Health Psychology is going well. So far I have an A+. It's been awhile since I had one of those, so I'm feeling pretty spiffy about it.

This is a picture of our cat Bernie. He's hilarious. He talks and has a huge attitude, but is the sweetest thing you'll ever meet. He was a huge hit at the party.

I'm Gonna Smack Somebody.

2006-09-26T09:54:00.000-06:00

The fact that Melissa called me out during Michele's funeral service is still really eating at me. I think about it too much. I lived with Michele and her alcoholism for a long time. I put up with things I'm sure Melissa doesn't have a clue about. I tried harder than I have ever tried in a relationship and it was all one-sided. I think it is crap for Melissa to come into Michele's life for freaking 8 months and find fault with me for leaving.

I was ignored, screamed at and taken advantage of. Michele tried to kick me out of my home almost every other weekend. I used to feel sick when I was driving home because I never knew what would be waiting for me. Michele might be watching Cops while making dinner and doing laundry, or she might be in the bedroom stewing. Sometimes I would sit in my car when I got home trying to work up the courage to go in. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of. I started hiding alcohol myself. I kept it in the bathroom linen closet and would go in there and drink on the nights when she was drunk. I kept bottles of wine under my bed and in my closet. Sometimes, I would even drink on my home from work so that when I got home, I wouldn't care so much if Michele was mean.

I've been called fat and lazy. I've been told over and over how I'm not good enough. How I don't measure up. My accomplishments weren't anything to her because she had done better things in her life. Oh, and let's not forget how I'm self-centered because I don't volunteer within the community. Michele and I exchanged words that I can't believe came out of our mouths. Who the hell does this Melissa think she is? Who gave her authority to judge? And better yet, why would she think it is okay to fault me in front of the entire church?

I did the best I could. As usual, my best wasn't quite good enough. I guess maybe it seems like it was easy to leave. So easy I did it twice. I gave that woman another chance. And another chance and another chance. Anyone that knows me knows I struggled with that. And we know from the last posting that I still struggle with it. Leaving Michele made me question what I thought I knew about myself. It also told me that I think I deserve good things. I deserve to be loved and treated well. Now I know that I have a backbone and don't have to take shit from anyone.

Dammit.

Lost Beans.

2006-09-19T21:26:00.000-06:00

I seem to have lost my beans. If you see them running around town, please capture them and bring my beans home.

These last few weeks have been harrowing. My coping style seems to be "Survival Only". Which, I know is better than the alternative. My mind is just so freaking busy and I can't keep up with it.

Michele's death has made me ask the some old questions again. You know the one.... am I a shithead for leaving her? If I still lived with her, it would have been me who found her and me taking care of her bills and stuff. What kind of shitty ass wife do I make? I couldn't wait out that last 8 months, hunh? Why not? I had already sat through some pretty nasty times. What would 8 more months had been? My comfort with that is that Melissa apparently had some gifts to share that I wouldn't be able to help Michele with. I'm glad she had that the last few months of her life. I'm glad she found her spiritual place in life. Can a death be considered a miracle? *nods* Sometimes. Michele wasn't going to get better. I'm not sure she had the funds to be able to deal with the medical problems coming her way.

Here's my deal. How can you marry someone and promise to share your life with them when you know you aren't well. Thank God we made up a little right before she left for OK. There's an "I love you" that I will regret not saying for a long time.
So, if I'm a shitty wife, what the heck am I doing here with Tracy? Will I leave her, too, when stuff gets hard? I don't believe in that. Sometimes, though, what you believe in and what you do are two different things. Is half-ass all I have to offer anyone? That can't be right.

Sometimes I think I'm okay and I understand that life goes on. It should. Other times, like tonight in class, I feel anxiety. I find I want to run home to bed and crawl under the covers and go mimi. Wish that was an option. Right now I just need a cushy bed or couch to lay on where I can see the rocky mountains in the distance. Little birdies chirping.

Ouch. My Head.

2006-09-13T08:05:00.000-06:00

Reasons I feel like crap today:

I am hung over. I haven't been drinking as much the last couple of weeks, and last night I was having a bad Michele night and drank too much.
I moved in with Tracy last weekend, and the stress is trying to kill me. I have so much to do and just don't have the time to do it in. I have a LOT of stuff to do next week, and I am not at all happy about that.
My work computer is having serious issues. I can't use it to check my work email, which is a huge problem. I'm using Outlook Web, and it sucks.
I'm having my depression symptoms. I could give a shit about anything. Well, I guess that isn't true. I just don't have any motivation. The thing up there about having a lot to do? Well, I'm not exactly making a lot of progress. All I want to do is sleep, and I'm not going to get away with it since I cohabitate.

The move went pretty well, I think. Tracy has been working her tail end off to make space for me. Poor thing. She hasn't complained about anything yet, but MAN. I'd hate to hear her internal dialogue. haha My internal dialogue isn't that great, either. I'm not used to having someone around. I feel so watched. And managed. I didn't think about it, but even when I was with Michele, she was often in her own world. This shall be fine. Adjustment period. I bet Tracy feels a bit watched as well. Living with someone is hard.....I forgot about that! Like she expects things to be done at certain times. (Not that she said this.) I'm used to doing things when I'm damn well ready. Good thing I love the freaking hell out of her.

Tracy is the best listener EVER. The other day, I was feeling really anxious. And I told her. She didn't holler at me. She told me to keep talking. None of that crap about how her life is so much harder than mine. Or that I needed to get the hell over it. Really cool. I felt all better after I talked to her about it. Who knew?

Michele

2006-08-30T22:45:00.000-06:00

I don't know where to start, so I'll try the beginning. Sunday night before last, Patti and Helen called my cell phone asking for Michele's parent's phone number. Not good. Apparently, Michele's drinking problem had become even worse than usual.

Hmmm. The long version isn't going to happen. You're going to get the tiny-broken-into-odd-fragments version, because that is what my attention span says you get. So there.

Michele's parents came to get her and take her to rehab. I took the animals. P&H were going to take care of the house. Michele passed away her first night in Oklahoma with her parents.

So Bored

2006-08-17T22:35:00.000-06:00

Oy.

I am so bored. I am watching a completely rancid movie that is getting ONE star from me, but for some reason, I am refusing to turn it off. *shiver* I have been bored for a few days, now. Even when I'm working, I'm bored. Nothing amuses me or entertains me.

I guess I'm ready to go back to school. I guess. I am so bored, I don't even have anything to blog about. UM.

Tampons were invented in 1929, but not sold until 1936. Why the 7 year wait? Seems like an awful long seven years to me.

Um.

Frank is now 6 pounds, 6 ounces! He's HUGE! He went in for snip snip the other day and it didn't seem to phase him in the least. He was groggy for a couple of hours and then started running around like a madman. Crazy dog.

Work has been better this week. I've been working late quite a bit, and it is paying off. Tonight was 6:30. I think I worked until 7 on Monday and Tuesday. Something like that. Wow, how interesting.

I think I'll go to bed. Early night!

Yadda Yadda Yadda

2006-08-14T22:35:00.000-06:00

A good friend of mine called me mature today. This is kinda bizarre since I'm not exactly well-known for a high emotional IQ. I thought this was nice, though. Her saying that made me feel really good. (Actually, I just had a thought. She said I was 'being' mature about something, not that I am mature. I'll just take the compliment and run with it. Sounds good.) Another friend mentioned the other day that I had really surprised her recently with the way I've been handling things.

This acknowledgement has gone a long way with me. I am one of those people who need praise. I hate this trait, but I've learned to deal with it. It isn't going to change. Anyway, I've been trying so hard, very hard and I been charting new territory in terms of understanding and patience. Maybe it is an age thing. Maybe it is as simple as the fact that I am in love and will do what I have to do in order to make it work. A little patience now is going to pay off for what I hope is the rest of my life. I try to remind myself what it might be like to walk in another's shoes. Those shoes are not any more comfortable than mine. Different shoes, different suckies.

I am sure I am completely beating you down with it, but I continue to be blown away by my relationship. Completely blown away. (Besides, I'll need this documentation when I'm ready to "rip off her face with my fingernails".) Things slide into place so easily. Rationally, I realize that we're in the honeymoon period, but this is a damn good honeymoon period and if this is any indication of what I get to deal with in the future, I will take it! And run and run and run. Real fast. Or, you know, fast for me, which means walking briskly. As cheesy as it sounds, I feel like Tracy was put here on the planet just for me. :) Isn't that the most selfish and stupid thing you've ever heard? haha My woman is going to be well taken care of. (When I'm sane.) Well, in terms of being loved and physically taken care of. She's kinda on her own with the money thing for now. How come I never win any of those random "Win $50,000!" contests? I am lucky, though, because this obviously doesn't mean enough to her to make her run off screaming. I am hoping that she will help keep me grounded with my finances. This shouldn't be a problem since she enjoys directing others. :)

I may want to hope she isn't reading my blog, hunh? hahaha *shrug* I don't worry about that much.

So....

Frank is going for snip snip tomorrow. My baby. waaaah! I hope I don't cry. That would mortify me. My poor little man.

Oh! Day three of the prozac. I realized a few things.

-This is a bad, bad time. Tracy is busy dealing with her own stuff and can't be there for me now. OR rather, I'd be a bitch to ask for it, and I don't wanna be a bitch!
-Yes, I can do this alone. But why should I? I have a girlfriend. Her job is to deal with my mental angst. It comes with the package. So, why am I sitting over here by myself being a nutjob when I could at least enjoy the benefits of someone being there to keep the drinks coming?
-I would rather be bald than deal with being a nutbar. I think. Well, today, anyway.
-My brain likes Prozac.

So there ya go. You never did get any of the interesting blogs I teased with, hunh?

My apartment complex has smart frogs. They are out very very often at night. When Frank and I go for our nightly walk, they will see us there and be very very still. Even when Frank gets close, they don't move. I'd like to think the frogs are smart enough to know that if they move, Frank will see them and decide they are yummy.

There are skunks in Corinth.

I am thirsty and out of cold water.

August has a MILLION birthdays. I am currently on birthday present strike. I told Suzy the other day not to get me anything, because I am not going to get her anything. (Her bday is the 29th, Rachel Sept 2)

Oddly enough, I haven't felt like drinking in days. Saturday night, we went out to eat and then to the bars. I had a Diet Coke and rum. It was nasty. Then I had a vodka sprite. Grody. I did have a margarita at El Fenix on Sunday afternoon, and I would like to take this opportunity to say it was the best margarita I've had in a long time. Seems like I've only had nasty ones lately. Sunday night we went to a ballgame, and what I really wanted was Diet Coke. So, this is what I had.

I'm kinda excited about my birthday this year. But for the lamest reason ever, I think. I don't give a crap about presents. Don't care all that much about dinner. It's Labor Day weekend, so folks are always out of town....this is all fine. Cuz you know what I wanna do? Hang out in Corinth for the weekend and watch TV. hahahaha I'll probably request my usual cake. My parents will probably take us to dinner. *shrug* Low key ROCKS.

We're having some kind of football party in October. Does this mean I'll have to provide snacks for a bunch of people and clean up after them? *sigh* Please, please tell me 3 weeks will be long enough for me to get unpacked and settled in. I cannot have people in my home otherwise. Not good. OMG, that just really freaked me out. You've got to be kidding. 3 weeks. People in house. My stomach hurts. Well, more than it did 5 mins ago, anyway.

I'm An Inconsiderate Dumbass

2006-08-12T14:10:00.000-06:00

Who needs/wants to vent.

I did the stupidest fucking thing. I signed up for one of those Alb3rts0n's cards. Not so stupid. I put my address as the Corinth address. The ex has not moved and I got mail at the new addy. DAMMIT.

Now I'm terrified regarding what other cards I changed. I know I was in a mood that day. Good God. I have no idea what I changed. I guess I could go through all the websites and see what I did.

Inconsiderate, inconsiderate, inconsiderate.

I'm also pissed as a weasel in a blender. I am so tired of watching my step and biting my tongue. Exhausted. Doesn't change the fact that

I'm an inconsiderate asshole

but. OY!

I'm wondering if I didn't screw up here. Like maybe I shouldn't be moving in, yet. Is Tracy ready for this? I don't know that I can say she is. This is a really happy time for me, and I'm not sure I want to share it with massive loads of sadness. You know? I'm just mad at myself right now and frustrated. It will pass.

Stupid Cheap Day

2006-08-09T22:48:00.000-06:00

I had a little bit of an icky day.

First of all, I didn't go to bed until almost 4:30 am last night/this morning. Getting up for work was not quite a joy. I was good until, say, 2pm. Then I wigged out because I haven't seen a human since SATURDAY. As lovely as this is, I was SO lonely today. I called around yesterday looking for a lunch companion and found no one. I totally freaked today, though. I ended up crying and calling Rachel. When I get a case of the 'crazies', I pretty much always call Rachel. She is my "go to" on this. She kills me. We talk for about 4 minutes and she asks, "Um, are you taking your meds?" haha I guess I hadn't told her I quit the prozac. Then she wanted to know what exactly it was I was thinking when making this decision.

So, anyway. Rough day. I wanted to blog about it earlier, but I suddenly have no desire. Alls well that ends well, and my day ended with a nice conversation with My Tracy.

So there you have it.

2006-08-08T00:21:00.000-06:00

I want chicken fried rice.

Now.

I've been hungry all day every day for two weeks. *pout*

Good Day

2006-08-07T20:18:00.000-06:00

I had a great night! Talk about productive! It was crazy. I went through all my clothes and threw out stuff I didn't need. I didn't throw out half as much as I wanted to, but I did it! I finished organizing my music and put all my books in one place.

Yesterday, I organized my office a little. I shredded a couple of years worth of bank statements or organized random bits of paper I had all over the place. Mementos actually went into the memento box. Greeting cards went in the greeting card shoebox. I separated music and computer CDs and separated my books into fiction, non-fiction and self-help. I packed biographies with fiction. Because they fit there. Plus, I'm a rebel.

I went through years and years of photos. I drug through every drawer in this apartment...Every hanging file folder to find my photos.... I finally have every photo I own in one of two boxes or one of my many albums.

It feels like a million bucks to have a cleaner place. I even cleared off the bookcase next to my bed that has been bugging the crap out of me since I put it there. I originally put it there for my stereo so I could play a little mood music when my woman came over. *waggles eyebrows* Ahhh.....Memories. ha.

I might have gone a little nuts with the vacuum cleaner tonight. I vacuumed the window sill. The TV. The lamp shade. I wanted to vacuum Frank, but he just wasn't into it. I'd like to vacuum the cats. I hate their hair. They need to do something about that.

We had rain today and I was terribly inspired! Frank and I ran around and opened all the windows and moved the couch. Then I realized it was only 4:15 and I should be working. I did go back to work before I became involved in the organization marathon.

Speaking of organization...I think I learned an important lesson the other day. Don't ask Tracy if we need/want something. The answer will be yes. The trick, I think, is to just throw everything I own away before I get there. I think I'm getting there. ha.

So, get this. I talked to Michele today and it was a decent conversation! I've actually been missing her the last month or so and have wanted to call her, but the last few conversations with her were on the hard side, so I've been afraid to go there. It was nice to hear her talk. I can tell she is doing well, and this is sooo fabulous. I am hoping life for her is now the opposite of what it was.

So, I had a good day. This is a tad different from my recent days. I've been angry, ambivalent and moody. I haven't given a good damn about anything. I've felt very self-centered. I'm actually not sorry about that one. I am the only one who knows what I need and as we know I know.... I'm the only one that can give me that. I do this every now and then. I get fed up with people and I get all "F YOU!". *shrug* Ain't no thang. Everyone is used to it.

Dammit!

2006-07-30T22:41:00.000-06:00

"Dammit! This grim parade of sorrow called life!"
Stephen Colbert just said this and for some reason it cracked me up. Yes, I am easily amused.

Tracy's surprise birthday party was Saturday. It was an awesome party. The pictures I took when she walked in the door did not come out well at all, so I'll post one when I get it from her dad. Seventy-nine people showed up. That's a bunch of people! I even had family representation. Mom, Dad, Laura and Jerry went and got to meet all of Tracy's family. As far asI can tell, it was a complete love fest. I am not surprised at all. We have fabulous families, so there you have it.

I've been meaning to blog for a long time. I open this dialogue box almost every day, but when it comes down to it, I don't end up typing anything. I'm counting the days until I move in with Tracy. I believe it is now 50 days or less. At least, I have to be out of this apartment in 50 days. Actually, I believe that is 7 weeks from today. Mom asked me a couple of weeks ago if moving in with Tracy is what I really want. I didn't even think about it. I didn't and don't need to. I have never been more sure of anything. It is amazing how well things fall into place when they are meant to be. Everything is easy.

Week one off Prozac! Not dead, yet! Haven't wanted to kill anyone! haha I have been scrubbing the shower/tub when I shower, though. heh

Frank is a gassy dog. Just thought I'd share.

Denzil

2006-07-25T22:09:00.000-06:00

My grandfather's name is Denzil. Who picks up their newborn baby and decides to name him Denzil? I was just thinking about this because my dog's name is Frank. Who names their dog Frank? What's up with that?

I'm going off my Prozac for awhile. The hair falling out thing is really getting to me. Sometimes when I vacuum, I have to turn the vacuum over and CUT my hair off the beater bar (kudos to Melody for knowing the name of that pieces part) because it is smoking. I'm kinda freaked about it. I'm not sure how this will work out, but I'm thinking there might be some really dramatic blogs in the near future! Tracy is pretty busy the next couple of weeks, so she probably won't be around as much to deal with the backlash. I figure it is better to do this before I move in and while I'm not in school so I can freak out alone and in peace if I need to.

Skinny Men

2006-07-25T20:55:00.000-06:00

"I like skinny men. Skinny men who smoke weed, so when he get the munchies, we on the same damn page. That's what I'm talkin' about. You get a nickel bag and I'll get a 5-piece and we're a couple made in heaven!" ~Roz on Last Comic Standing.

Life Phase #327

2006-07-18T20:45:00.000-06:00

It feels like I have been through a bazillion life phases; it is a constant state of change. This time last year, I was starting a new job and living with my wife. Now, I'm preparing to move out of my apartment and in with my girlfriend. Certainly not something I would have seen coming a year ago. Change is good. Indeed, change has been a friend to me. I'd hate to think where I would be if I hadn't allowed myself to make changes when they needed to be made. But at the same time, change is stressful and exhausting. One of my friends said to me the other day, "When I know where I'm supposed to be, I just like to hurry up and get there." Me, too. Now that I know where I'm going, I'm ready to be there. I'm trying to ensure that I'm not treating every day until I get there as marking time. I seem to function pretty well amidst change. Sure, I get all anxiety-ridden, but there is nothing new about that...I'm a little ball of anxiety, to be sure. I'm not sure if it is faith, love or stupidity, but I am not all that concerned with the change moving in with Tracy will bring. I am constantly shocked when I realize that I seem to be in an adult relationship. I can bring things to the table without having to worry about a fight. Part of that is that I've learned to keep my damn mouth shut until I've thought things through. You wouldn't believe how hard I've worked on that one. I have to physically bite my tongue sometimes. But, whatever works, works. And it is working.

Frank is amazing. I am so proud of my little man. He is doing really well with his potty training, in my opinion. He didn't have a single accident today and went out of his way to find the puppy pad in my office he wanted to use. I think it might be time to start decreasing the number of pads I use. Dare I? :) He is now running up the stairs to my apartment. When I brought him home, he couldn't even make it up the first one. I had to pick him up anytime there was a step. He makes the cutest little running leaps. And I love to watch him problem solve. I watch him figure out ways to make things work the way he wants them to and I'm just so damn proud. Did I already say that? I might have. He's also gained some serious weight. I wouldn't doubt that the chubby little guy is 4 pounds now. Cousin Jack stayed with us while his mommies were in Mexico. Frank enjoyed having someone to play with, but the selfish Momma that I am, I'm glad to have some of his attention back. I missed my baby!

I was sick for a week. It sucked. It was pretty much the entire time Jack was here. I'm sure Frank would have driven me nuts if Jack hadn't been here, but I was incredibly frustrated. I actually cried one day because Jack kept peeing on the carpet, I didn't feel good, Peanut threw up ON the bed and on my clean laundry and I needed to be working, yet felt like sleeping. I was sooo stressed and beat down. Tracy came and got me and the boys on Friday and took us out to Corinth so she could watch everyone and I could get some rest. Can I just say that 5 dogs are WAY too many? WAY. Tracy and I will have 3, which is still over my dog limit, but I'm certainly not complaining. The 3 cats may kill us, though. Cats are so particular. Tracy's cat has the biggest attitude I think I have ever seen on a cat. Bernie is about 8, I think, and is a giant fur ball of entitlement. That is Bernie's house, DAMMIT. He smacks up all the dogs. And me. Bernie and I are going to butt heads. But in a loving way. While Bernie and I are butting heads, Peanut will be peeing on something and Boobies will be hiding under a bed, no doubt. At least the birds are low maintenance.

We went to see Melissa Etheridge in concert Saturday night. I really wanted to see her, but didn't want to fork over the cash for it. One of Tracy's friends got sick and decided to GIVE her both tickets, which was beyond kind and generous. When we first got there I was unimpressed, but she played for a long time and her closing set was quite magnificent. A good time was had by all. Here is something that I thought was strange. She closed with "Keep it Precious". Nice, but different that she closed with a slow song.

Work has been difficult for me the past few weeks. I have been getting myself in quite a bit of hot water. I'm not sure how much of it is me doing things incorrectly and how much of it is me having to take a hit for things. It is actually beginning to beat me down. I've never had a job where my performance was an issue. Never. I am trying to do everything right, but somehow I manage to mess something up. The crappy thing about my job is that everything I do relies on what others do and I'm a coordinator, which means that my job is to make everyone happy. This cannot be done. So, if I don't piss off one person, I'm going to piss off another. Bad for my psyche.

Rogaine

2006-07-10T00:50:00.000-06:00

Is there really a difference between Rogaine for men and Rogaine for women? I see that it costs more for women. What a shock. So, what's the deal with that? Do we not have the same hair or what? I don't get it.

My hair is still falling out. I pulled out more today than I have any day thus far. Sooo grody. I hope Tracy still loves me when I'm bald. It might be a tough call.