Dawn's Digression.
Friday, May 28, 2004
I've been meaning to post for quite awhile.
The truth is that I've been pretty numb. I've been enjoying that numb because if I choose to feel anything, I don't know how I will hold myself together. I am emotionally drained. My well has been sucked dry. I just keep on keeping on, because I know that if I don't, the negative things will win. I can't have that.
I'm finally at a place in my life where I am doing things right for myself. I feel like I am making mature choices for the first time in years. Even if the choices aren't the ones I really want to make. Take leaving my job, for example. I didn't want to go. I wish I hadn't had to. Unfortunately, I could feel it was time for a change, and letting fear keep me from an opportunity would be a mistake.
My last day was alright. I didn't shed a tear. Not one. The day before, I did, though. It was the last day Judy was there. (The lady that trained me and my on-site mother.) I cried all the way to school that day. Oooooh, and how I wanted to skip school. I actually wanted to throw up. Grody. But I went. I am really happy that I lost Jennifer a few months ago. Otherwise, I just don't know how I would have made it.
I abhor my 2nd stats class. Two hours of math is just not for me. The good news is that I'm already two weeks into it, so I only have 10 left. I can do that, right?
I thought about dropping the class I start on Tuesday, but I decided that dropping a class due to life stress would be letting life win. No. I will win here. Not whatever circumstances I may find myself in at the moment. I will not sacrifice my betterment for a mental breakdown. I think I'm worth more than that.
I've felt insanely alone, lately. Like I'm all alone in this world with no ally. I'm sure that is an over-generalization, but I truly feel that way. I'm to the point where I can't complain anymore and expect someone to listen. I wouldn't want to, either. So, I'm in a spot where I am uncomfortable really talking to anyone. I can't blog, and I don't want to write. So, I try to feel nothing at all. The moment I feel, the floodgate will open.
On the upside, I've been reading I pretty good book. The one in the margin "The Myth of Sanity". A non-fiction I think I may actually make it through. I picked up a few books at the library to skim. I'll put them in the margin. I don't plan to read them, but I do want to skim and see what looks interesting and see what I may want to pursue.
On another upside, I am comfortable with my choice of Psychology as a major. I have not a freakin' clue what I'll do with the degree, but as I'm sure I've said a million times, it isn't about that with me anymore. It's about proving to myself that I can do it. That I WILL do it. That I'll follow through. A~, I think I've found my home in Psychology. I'm even reading the non-fiction, for Pete's sake! :)
The truth is that I've been pretty numb. I've been enjoying that numb because if I choose to feel anything, I don't know how I will hold myself together. I am emotionally drained. My well has been sucked dry. I just keep on keeping on, because I know that if I don't, the negative things will win. I can't have that.
I'm finally at a place in my life where I am doing things right for myself. I feel like I am making mature choices for the first time in years. Even if the choices aren't the ones I really want to make. Take leaving my job, for example. I didn't want to go. I wish I hadn't had to. Unfortunately, I could feel it was time for a change, and letting fear keep me from an opportunity would be a mistake.
My last day was alright. I didn't shed a tear. Not one. The day before, I did, though. It was the last day Judy was there. (The lady that trained me and my on-site mother.) I cried all the way to school that day. Oooooh, and how I wanted to skip school. I actually wanted to throw up. Grody. But I went. I am really happy that I lost Jennifer a few months ago. Otherwise, I just don't know how I would have made it.
I abhor my 2nd stats class. Two hours of math is just not for me. The good news is that I'm already two weeks into it, so I only have 10 left. I can do that, right?
I thought about dropping the class I start on Tuesday, but I decided that dropping a class due to life stress would be letting life win. No. I will win here. Not whatever circumstances I may find myself in at the moment. I will not sacrifice my betterment for a mental breakdown. I think I'm worth more than that.
I've felt insanely alone, lately. Like I'm all alone in this world with no ally. I'm sure that is an over-generalization, but I truly feel that way. I'm to the point where I can't complain anymore and expect someone to listen. I wouldn't want to, either. So, I'm in a spot where I am uncomfortable really talking to anyone. I can't blog, and I don't want to write. So, I try to feel nothing at all. The moment I feel, the floodgate will open.
On the upside, I've been reading I pretty good book. The one in the margin "The Myth of Sanity". A non-fiction I think I may actually make it through. I picked up a few books at the library to skim. I'll put them in the margin. I don't plan to read them, but I do want to skim and see what looks interesting and see what I may want to pursue.
On another upside, I am comfortable with my choice of Psychology as a major. I have not a freakin' clue what I'll do with the degree, but as I'm sure I've said a million times, it isn't about that with me anymore. It's about proving to myself that I can do it. That I WILL do it. That I'll follow through. A~, I think I've found my home in Psychology. I'm even reading the non-fiction, for Pete's sake! :)
Dawn, 6:54 PM
